Worried about alcoholic friend should I reach out?

[Penny1365]

I’m really struggling with what to do about an old friend, and I could use some advice. We’re in our late 20s, and while the rest of our group has moved on married, starting families, buying homes she seems stuck in a destructive cycle. She was always a big drinker, but now I’ve heard things have gotten much worse. She’s now lost another job due to drinking so she is unemployed, drinking litres of vodka a day, and struggling with suicidal thoughts. Her parents are also alcoholics so she does not have a good support system.
A major trigger for her drinking is a toxic ex from about five years ago. Even though the relationship ended, he still contacts her sometimes even when he’s in other relationships. He constantly gets her hopes up that they’ll be together again, even though he has no real intention of ever being with her. Every time he reaches out, it sends her into a downward spiral even if she has gone a certain length of time sober. He has a professional job and, in my opinion, takes advantage of her vulnerability and mental health struggles.
I used to be there for her when her drinking got bad, but it got to a point where I felt drained and had nothing left to give. I stepped away about a year ago, but after hearing how much worse things have gotten, I can’t stop thinking about her. I feel sick at the thought of something happening to her.
I have this horrible feeling that it’s all going to end really badly, and I would feel terrible if something happened to her and she felt alone or thought that I didn’t care. At the same time, I now have a young family, and I don’t know if reaching out is the right thing to do. Part of me wants to try to help, but another part wonders if she even wants to be helped. Do I try to reconnect, or do I have to accept that I can’t save her?
Any advice would be really appreciated.

I think it could truly be a wonderful thing to reach out. Sometimes when mental health is rock bottom it’s so hard to get up especially when so many people in the support system have turned there back.

If you don’t want to risk being made to give more than you can just keep it clear in the message.

’Hi X, I hope things are going ok. I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. I know I’m not there any more but I do continue to care and want the best for you.’

It depends how things ended but if you do care and fear something might happen then you’ve not really got anything to lose by trying to get in touch occasionally.

Oh that's really sad @Penny1365, no wonder you're struggling. I don't think I have any great advice, as hard as it is you can't save her, and you need to be honest with yourself about what you can actually give in terms of time and care.

Does she have any other support? And do you have mutual friends you can talk to?

Contact them? Yes
Give them a call? Yes
Get in touch? Yes
Communicate with? Yes

Reach out? Reach fucking out? Arrghhghghghghghghgh!

Hi, i'm not sure what advice I can give you, other than to say that, if she stops drinking now, she has a chance of living a normal life. Unfortunately my sister drank like this through her twenties and thirties. She's now in her mid forties and has end stage liver failure. It's hideously sad. She's cut herself off from all family and friends and lives alone. Last week we found out that she had moved to a new area, but we don't know where she is. Although she has now apparently stopped drinking the damage is already done.
End stage liver failure is an absolutely awful way to go.
In your situation I would be tempted to contact her ex and tell him to leave her alone or at least explain what his contacting her does to her. I would also try to connect her with help and really encourage that. A great book is "how to help an addict whilst keeping yourself sane" or something like that. It's really useful at explaining what happens to someone with an addiction and also when to accept whether you can help or not. Help is pretty much down to helping them access services, but not attempting to be their therapist. I would intervene and really push for her to get treatment. Perhaps go to the drs with her if she doesn't mind you taking her. Her self esteem will likely be rock bottom and she'll be feeling a failure, as though she is completely left behind compared to her peers. It's also likely that she has other issues that have caused her to drink in the first place and that she's deliberately avoided dealing with them or facing them. It can be really frustrating dealing with an addict as it can take multiple attempts to get clean with many relapses, which you have to not take personally or see as them being lazy/lacking willpower. It's a long and tough process. I would also give her lots of compliments and encouragement. She likely needs that more than anything right now. Sorry if this isn't that helpful, but it's just hard to know how to help at times. I feel for you though. My parents were also alcoholics.

Thank you for your reply, I have contacted her ex on many of occasions trying to explain however resulted in me being blocked! I have also suggested to her that I would go to the doctors, AA meetings, referred her for counselling and also suggested going to view flats for her to rent (when she had a job) so that she could leave the toxic household but all my suggestions seem to fall flat. So sorry for what you have sent through with your parents and sister it really is awful.

Do avoid getting too emotionally entrenched though as that will do neither of you any good and you definitely don't want to have to field drunken phone calls or texts at all hours. If you are too supportive you risk burning yourself out. So i would restrict is to:

• Telling her ex to leave her alone if that's an option
• offering to meet for a coffee during the day and then asking directly if she is getting any support with her drinking and what services has she contacted. Offer to help her connect with some. Also, offer practical advice such as planning out her weekly schedule, getting a job and filling up her time. Schedules are really important. Don't make the suggestions for her though. She has to come up with her own ideas.
• don't be a sympathetic ear to listen about her ex etc or anything that causes her to wallow. You're not her counsellor or therapist..she needs someone trained.
• don't over commit. An hour a week for a coffee/swim/activity planning or a walk is more than enough. Once a fortnight or a month would be good, unless you get her to join you at a weekly exercise class locally if she lives near you as that gets her out the house, but doesn't entail her telling you all her problems.

Bless you for trying. Unfortunately it's really hard to walk in and solve someone else's problems, let alone someone who really struggles to make changes themselves.
I would just reiterate that they could have a good life ahead of them if they are able to move forwards and just say that you would like to out things in place to help that, but ultimately that they need to want it too. The drs would be the first port of call. They can give out prescription drugs that help make alcohol less enticing and can also address any mental health issues. She can also self refer to the NHS online herself, so perhaps help her do that. If she's unwilling, then tell her when she's ready, you are there to help. But the longer this goes on the harder it gets. Motivation doesn't just appear out of nowhere. You have to kick start it. Knowing how to do that comes with professional help.

Best of luck to you and to her though. It's not easy. Also, don't feel guilty if you are unable to help or need to walk away again for a bit. X

I think that is where I went wrong previously being too supportive, and it completely consumed me. Which is one of the reasons I distanced myself. I was suggesting coffee, lunch, and sober activities regularly, but she was showing up drunk or tipsy every time. I was just at such a loss for what to do.

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.

Could you contact adult social services? On the basis she is a vulnerable adult and have them visit?

Thank you for this suggestion. It’s just knowing how to go about it without seeming as though I’m overstepping the mark, especially when she still lives at home with her mum and dad albeit in a very toxic and dysfunctional household.

Can’t believe you actually took the time to type and post that. It’s a commonly used term now, deal with it ffs.