Addicted to cocaine and drink

[FlakyBrickTiger]

Hi, I'm not sure what sort of response I am going to get but here goes.
For the last 12 months, probably more like 2 years my partner has become addicted to cocaine and also drinking every night. He has become a functioning addict. He has told me that many lies over and over and I don't know what to do. He has suggested therapy but sessions together, is this going to be enough to make things right and make him stop? I am too ashamed to tell anyone so I am all alone, no support and nobody to turn to. I just don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated? He said I need to understand but because I have never been there in my life I don't know how to 😔

I’d go to the couples therapy so he can witness an outside perspective of what this is like for you.
What are the reasons for wanting to stay with him? And also, re nobody knowing, I’m not saying sing it from the rooftops but please know this is not your shame to carry x

He's suggested therapy. 100%, go with him, whatever else its a first step to the help he needs. Stand by him.

I'm not sure what advice to offer but you really need to think hard about why you are staying. Is this the life you want? You cannot save him from this, only he can. He may even need a residential rehab spell. Even that may not help and you could have years ahead of lies, relapses and misery.
Do you have children? If you don't, I would signpost him to the local addiction services and try to get yourself away from it. Do you have somewhere to go?

Can he go to his GP? He needs addiction help . Therapy is great but really he also needs help from people who deal with drink/drug addiction and stopping/withdrawal.
I have a family member who was very similar to this . They lie over and over . But the only thing that helped was a local live in rehab. They needed the strick structure to stop. And after trying at home they needed help with the withdrawal stage as they did get quite sick. Which made them start using again.
Does he have close family you can tell who he may listen to ?

I think 'stand by him' is dangerous advice. Live with an active addict is horrendous. By all means by there for him, but OP should feel 100% free to leave the relationship if that suits her best.

Couples therapy is not advised with active addiction. He needs abstinence and individual therapy before you can even think about working on your relationship. And he needs to take all the responsibility for it himself. He can start by going to his GP. You do not have to stay in the relationship if you don't feel that's what's best for you, and your children if you have them (not what's best for him). Best of luck x

Yes, probably clumsy sorry, was just thinking he's admitted his illness/addiction and prepared for therapy and will need support. But the op has likely suffered a hell of a lot.

I left my alcoholic partner after 10 years together and my only regret is that I waited so long to do it. I joined an alcoholics partners support group as post as one if his failed attempts to give up. It helped me to leave him ultimately. I loved him but didn't to be dragged down with him.

As did I after ten years with an active alcoholic. Wish it was sooner. Not one regret that I left.

Why couples therapy ? His addiction isnt your remit
You trying to get him to stop does not equal "relationship" problems & even if there are problems, his substance abuse is all his.

I have huge regret that I waited so long. I wasted a lot of my youth. My life has been great since though.

I second looking at what you are getting from this.

If you are living together and/or have kids then I would make steps to secure your own financial security, save money in case you need to leave. If you don't live together then don't move him in. If you have kids I would expedite the above as it's so so damaging for the children to live with addict parent.

You say dp so I'm guessing not married..that's good.

Honestly, you can support him but if you do so you should do it from a distance. He needs to do this himself without depending on you or his recovery will be dependent on the quality/status of your relationship.

You also need to protect yourself. Physically, emotionally and financially. Are you not living your life because you are 'waiting' for him to recover? Don't. Don't wait for him. He may never recover and if he does then the likelihood of all happening again if very high.

So true. It's almost like he is trying to blame the relationship and say if we sort out our problems then I will simple quit drink and drugs .

I'd walk away
If no children, I'd find someone without such problems
If children, I wouldn't want them growing up around this

Yes, it goes without saying that if there are children in this relationship you must leave / get him to leave so they're not living with an active addict.

I found this quote very powerful, cannot remember who to attribute it to:

Because when we talk about addiction, we have to talk about collateral damage: the mental health of the kids and adults surrounding the addict.

I would separate until he was actively engaging with help and support and sober. That means seeing his GP, changing his lifestyle and involved in a programme.

Why should she? He doesn’t deserve it.

He has been very clear about his priorities, so to use her on top of that is despicable.

The supply chain for coke is full of murdered and raped people. And he is paying for that. Everyone who takes coke knows it and still snorts away, that is indicative of their character.

I think you should leave him, in a “put on your own oxygen mask first” sort of way. This attempt at therapy is so transparently an attempt to suck you into fixing it, so he can sit back and enjoy his addiction, worry free.

You are being played here OP. Just walk away.

Perhaps go to a na meeting with him?

Why not get solo therapy for yourself?

Why do you need to understand his addiction, he is transferring accountability. Why doesn't he need to understand the repercussions of his addictions and how it affects those around him.

If he is an empty shell of a partner, someone who needs propping up, what is realistically in it for you?

Are you his beard/nurse/ PA/ Housemaid or his life partner.

Can you leave him, with the option to reconsider if he ever get clean?