Loving an addict

[OneTaupeLurker]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone has any experiences or advice to give about being with an addict. It's abit of a long one but basically my partner admitted to smoking heroin and he'd become addict. He is getting help from a drug support group and gp. He's recently started on espranor which is helping with the withdrawls. He's only a week into this recovery. The problem is I'm wondering if I'll ever truly trust him again and am I always going to think he's going out for drugs. I don't want to accuse him and make things harder for him. At what point do we put ourselves first? I feel like I'm being selfish but I can't help but think what about me? He says he's depressed but what about my mental health. I've dealt with everything whilst he's been out doing drugs no help no nothing at home. But he doesn't seem to think about that. Has anyone had a similar experience. Do things get better?

When dealing with an addict it is crucial to set very clear boundaries. As women I think we find it hard. Personally, my relationship with my DH changed virtually overnight when I set my first boundary. I was encouraged by my counsellor at the time. My first question was, how do I set a boundary? Start with something quite easy. For example, "When you get loud it makes me anxious so in future I'll go and have a bath/go to bed/go somewhere quiet."
In respect of the situation with your partner, I think I'd split up. Perhaps a trial separation or counselling first, but what I'm hearing is a lack of trust. Continuing with the relationship may just prolong the pain.

Yes definitely a lack of trust now I find myself questioning everything he says and does now.

If you were my daughter, and you told me your partner had decided to go out and buy heroin, and was now an addict, I'd advise you to leave immediately.

He can recover but will drag you down in the meantime.

Addicts are so deceptive and so manipulative. You’ll lose yourself entirely inside his disruptive patterns of behaviour that won’t change until he confronts the root of his addiction and proactively tackles this.
Very few addicts achieve this. Being with an addict is soul destroying. And often, they simply swap vices and consider this ‘success’. Then you’ll get guilt tripped for being unhappy with the new vice and gaslighted with, “Well, hey, it’s not heroin! I no longer use it and I did this for you!” You’re coerced into accepting the new addiction because he's supposedly ‘recovered’ from the old one, the ‘bad’ one. There’s so much crazy making behaviour around addiction and you can never just relax and be with the person and enjoy the relationship. You cling onto the crumbs of love. They become everything! It’s fool’s gold, an addict’s love.
You can falsely empower yourself with coping strategies and therapy so that you feel like the addiction doesn’t have power over your relationship but that’s magical thinking. I could go on but….
You know where the MN hills are, right? That way >>>>>>>>>

You are so right, it's now turning into drink. He's drinking every night all day and drunk by the night time, but it's helping him to cope apparently. I am at the point where I've had enough and I just want to be happy again. Think I'm clinging on to that tiny bit of hope there's going to come a point where he realises how selfish he's been and what he's done to our relationship but don't think I can hold out much longer for that to happen.

Ah, of course he's turned to drink. It helps him cope with the addiction he's overcome.
That old chestnut. Oh, do I know it well. I used to get, "Don't be upset about it! Because at least I'm not doing 'the former drug' anymore. You should be proud of me!"
So messy. So psychologically messy and confusing.
Please forgive me for sounding so cynical, OP, but I was soul destroyed by my ex husband, who was an addict (still is- I just don't have any contact with him so there's this wonderful relief that comes with writing about him in past tense).
We become enablers because we are nice, compassionate people. Whether we are mothers of children or not, women are the world's mothers. To nurture, protect, and support is hardwired into our being (not all of us, but most of us are this way). Walking away will be the hardest thing you've done because it goes against your instinct to protect him. But who's protecting you? Who's nurturing you? Who is holding you?

Walking away, on the flip-side, will also be the happiest, most liberating, and smartest thing you could do.
Guilt will play its role. It's inevitable that you'll feel some guilt because you care about him. But the thing is, he doesn't feel guilty about how much he's dragging you down with him. You are not the reason he can't and won't change. You just happened to land on his timeline and become intertwined with his shitty human experience of his choosing. Untangle yourself. Find the strength and courage to do so. You will be SO GLAD you emancipated yourself from this detrimental relationship. Sometimes you just have to abandon ship, OP. You've got to save yourself.

OP if you have a child then you have a responsibility to them before anything or anyone else.

It is not safe for them to be sharing a home with an addict, especially one who is now drinking.

You worry about being selfish if you end the relationship, because you worry about it upsetting him.

Please put your child first and worry more about the effect on them of living under the same roof as this situation

Honestly, having grown up with an addict in the home I'd say to walk away, it won't get better. Sure some people manage to stay clean for the rest of their lives, lots don't. They'll always be an addict, just not necessarily in active addiction at certain times. I'm sure a lot will find this a disgusting attitude, but until someone has lived with someone and gone through years of it they can't comprehend what it's like. His priority is heroin, not you, and it won't ever be.

I’d run, fast! Mine was an ex heroin addict and had been ‘clean’ 10/15 years when we met….. except he hadn’t, and I just didn’t realise until it was too late.

he’d just swapped it for anything and everything else. Alcohol daily, weed, codeine, crack, prescription painkillers (not his), over the counter painkillers, coffee, scratch cards, hook up websites, messaging prostitutes. He didn’t do all of the above all day every day, just a selection of his choosing each day.

it was never ending. But he refused to admit he had a problem. The lies and deceit were off the scale.

we had good months where he seemed to be doing ok but he’d be set off every 6 months or so. It could be a boys night out, a good day at work, a bad day at work, stressed for ‘X’ reason, having a hard job, having no job, ‘back pain’, injury from work. Any one of these could send him spiralling.

i ended up so paranoid, constantly looking for clues to see if he was on something. I’m glad to be free of it now but it took me years.

“And it won’t ever be”. I’m sorry for what you went through, but perhaps projecting your own experiences like this isn’t the most helpful thing.

As you may have noticed, the only people replying to this are those who have had highly traumatic experiences with people suffering from substance use disorder. In other words, a pretty biased source set. A lot of the advice is uninformed and seems to presume all people suffering from addiction are the same - this is a common opinion, not helped by AA or NA (both of which have extremely low recovery rates) and a very simplistic one that helps vicarious sufferers cope. To be blunt, though, it’s not the truth. The very hardest thing for someone suffering from addiction to do is to admit that they need help. I am not exaggerating when I say the hardest. To do that, you know your entire life is going to change. You know that from this point on you will be demonised, watched like a hawk, and most importantly, are preparing to sacrifice the one thing that both your body and brain feel you need more than the air you breathe.
That is an enormous amount of vulnerability, honesty and trust that he has displayed. It flies in the face of this stigmatised attitude of “all addicts are abusive lying scum”.
Addiction is an illness. I’m not ‘being soft’ - I’m talking scientifically. It’s an obsessive compulsive sub-category. It’s a genuine and proven disease. You find people are appalled at the idea of partners leaving their loved ones when they are diagnosed with a physical illness. Well, this is a physical illness, affecting the most complex organ in the body. I would highly recommend you look into the science of substance use disorder. It is a terrible and serious illness. It has only been a week and he has chosen to do this himself. That already throws his chances of success up to more than double that of those outed and forced into it.
Please. Before you punish him for his bravest moment yet by leaving him when he’s at his worst, do some research - not on Mumsnet, where the sample pool of traumatised ex partners gives little fact and a lot of angry and pained rhetoric, but on actual medical sites. Look into attending a support group for others in the same position in your area - I promise there’s plenty, but if you feel too nervous, go to one of the hundreds of online meetings that happen every day, whether AlAnon, NaAnon, or via the drug and alcohol services in your area.
I have every sympathy for the people on this thread, but speaking objectively, they are coping with their own losses the best way they know how. I personally know of so, so many people that have overcome their addiction and have done far worse to their families than your husband’s truthful admittance has.
Even just referring to these people suffering a brain disease as “addicts”, as though they all all one homogenous group, with no independent personality anymore, is dehumanising in the extreme. I’m sure my advice may change depending on how this situation develops, but for now you are in such early days. Do the research. Establish a support group for yourself. Make sure you are surrounded by fact based advice and evidence, rather than the omnipresent stigma we have in our society. You have to seek out evidence- unfortunately many people don’t care enough to see those suffering from SUD (as it is called in the DSM-V) as being deserving enough to have sufficient sympathy or support.
My DM’s are open. Feel free to contact me. I wish you and your family nothing but the best in light of this devastating news.

You will always be second to the addition. Always.

If he has to choose between you and his addiction, he will choose the addiction every time, I promise you.

You can do better. You can find a man who puts you first. Don't let this addict ruin your one short and precious life.

I mean, he hasn’t chosen his addiction over her, has he? He’s been truthful with her and is seeking help. He didn’t choose to be affected by a brain disease but he’s attempting to get well. It’s only been a week so far.
psa calling people suffering from SUD “addicts” is about as pleasant as calling people suffering from cancer “cancerous”. Not saying you should stop, free speech and all, but you might not have realised how clumsy it is so thought I’d be helpful.

And it won’t ever be”. I’m sorry for what you went through, but perhaps projecting your own experiences like this isn’t the most helpful thing

It’s certainly a lot more helpful in real terms than anything you’ve said.

To you. But this thread isn’t about you, despite my condolences for your history.

To you. But this thread isn’t about you, despite my condolences for your history.

My history? I’ve absolutely no life experience of drugs at all so I’ll assume you’ve confused me with another poster and that you’re not just being a silly billy.

But I do recognise posts written by someone who has used a posters dreadful situation to deliver posts that are nothing more than an academic exercise, faux concern and trumpet blowing virtue signalling.

I don’t know if it will get easier. It’s such a difficult situation as on one hand you know he is going through a really tough time. But on the other hand you are a person too. You are not a rehab centre. You are not responsible for him. If you stay it won’t be easy, he has a long difficult time ahead. If you want to stick it out (as long as he is staying on the path to recovery and not abusive) it’s ok to stay. But if you want to leave it’s ok too. You can give him the option of no drugs or alcohol, and if he can’t do that then leave. Please don’t feel guilty if you do leave.

Run Run as fast as you can

1. Yes I did, my mistake. Slightly begs the question of how you would know whether my advice would be helpful or not “in real terms”, as you’ve claimed.

1. I’m sorry to say but I think you might want to reconsider the bit about being “able to recognise posts” etc. I work in the field of mental health, with a particular focus on addiction. My concern is genuine.

I appreciate you’ve “absolutely no life history of drugs” but rest assured I do - my childhood and personal life has also provided me with extensive hands on experience.

The focus of this thread is meant to be on supporting OP.

Thankyou for that. I know he's struggling and he's done brilliant for his first week and I can tell by looking at him it's not been easy. He's had a clear drug test too which is good. It's just very difficult knowing this is going to be a life long battle. Sometimes it's just hard because he seems so selfish and doesn't seem to care what he's put us through and continues to do so. He's not abusive or anything like that, when he admitted it he was broken. I'm just left feeling paranoid that he's going to go back to it.