Want to stop

[Help2014]

Myself and my husband are addicted to cocaine. We both 100% want to stop as we get nothing from it snd i have attended SMART recovery session online/completed the worksheets but we just can’t put it in to practice. We didn’t do it one weekend night last week and we felt so good. I feel utter shame, weak and selfish. I want so much more out of life and I’m constantly paranoid the police come to my door. Is that likely. I judge myself so I would appreciate no posts of that nature please.

It's extremely unlikely the police will come to the door. Unless you're committing bigger crime or dealing on a fairly large scale.
You're going to have to change the people you are hanging around with if they are also using. And block all the dealers and other users numbers. It's really difficult to quit with temptation so close.
Could you go away for a week or two, somewhere nice and outdoorsy. Not a party place, even like a Buddhist retreat or something? If you were absolutely unable to score, within a few days the psychological side might die down a bit. Making it easier to stay off it once you get home. If using coke is linked to booze (I know mine was) then going somewhere with no alcohol as well would help clear your heads.
It's not easy and you may well slip up. But as they say, treat each day as new and fresh.
I wish you both the best x

What does that mean?

In response why don’t you stop to that extent?

How often are you doing it and how much? Are you drinking as well as taking coke?

Pretty much every weekend. Usually 3.5 g between us. I do drink but not problematic. I usually arrange to get Coke without having had a drink. Could go without it tbh

The police would only come to the door if you're dealing it, blasting music or arguing loudly or if children are in the house and someone reports you.

You should go to rehab

You should consider going to CA meetings, even in the next town/city if you're worried about being seen in your own area. I can recommend Elliot Wald - the hypnosis expert on Instagram/tiktok he also does a podcast and the menace to sobriety podcasts are interesting too. My stepbrother started off as a cocaine addict if you don't address it itl spiral till your taking bigger amounts, more often and may even be dry sniffing to get through the day. Your relationship will crumble, you will wreck your finances, could lose your job and most certainly your children if you have any.

Addiction is an awful, awful beast.

Talk to your GP. Or, Google narcotic support in your area & make contact.

Join Facebook groups for support.

Tell trusted friends & family, they can help support you.

I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to do this alone. There is help available. Seek counseling if need be.

You have made the first step by acknowledging you want to quit, so that is fantastic. It probably won't be easy but it can be done.

Wishing you all the best.

i know all the practical advice about what I should do. I just don’t know why i crave something I hate. We have plans to go away this weekend so first step. I feel it’s an escape as I have a caring role for my mother with Alzheimer’s and work etc. we increased use when my father died/husband‘s mum died soon after. Lot of trauma unresolved in my life too. No excuses, I’m responsible for bad decisions but just some context. Thx for feedback

Sorry but the only way you will kick this habit is to go to rehab for a few weeks and stop making excuses

“Your relationship will crumble.”

and so will your septum.

The thing I asked for was no judgement and there you go. You have maybe done me a favour as you have added to my shame snd i will get back to Smart recovery. Thank you everyone for your kind snd supportive messages

You have to know the right people to get hold of it. If you’re going to certain venues to get it then simply stop going to those venues and make a new social routine for yourself. If you’re getting it brought to your house or going somewhere specific to pick it up you will have had to contact someone to do this. Can you get rid of all their contact details from all your devices and wherever it’s written down?

Can you look at going to counselling? For your past trauma?
Going away for the weekend is a great idea. If you use at weekends then you know you can go without the majority of the time. So it's about replacing that bad habit with a good one.
Save the money you would spend on it for a holiday. Not a party place obviously!
The sheer fact you say you don't enjoy it anymore and want to quit is a very strong position to be starting in. So think of the positive side.
Every day you don't use, it will get further away from your mind after a while.
If you want to check in here each day with us to help keep you on track that might be helpful?

Hi OP no practical advice I am afraid but wanted to message to say sorry you are going through this. I have a close friend who is a cocaine addict and it’s very difficult . As pp said if you’re only taking cocaine on the weekend then hopefully you are in a stronger position than some people who may use everyday as you know you can go without. Hope you’re feeling ok today. X

Thanks for the practical and kind messages of support. I have used this weekend but I am attending a SMART meeting tomorrow as I’m so scared of the police knocking the door, the impact on my family and my own health. My motivation is there, I completely want a different life. I do lots with my family and they are well cared for in so many areas and it doesn’t stop me functioning (I’m not in any shape of form excusing my behaviour) but the guilt and shame I feel is crippling me. I don’t know why that is not enough to get me through this. On the positive, I have a plan, I have spoken previously at a few smart meetings and feel confident to own my addiction, I just hope I can do it x

Morning OP thanks for the update. The reason why your guilt etc that you mention is not enough to simply stop is because the cocaine is addictive. It sounds like you are doing really well to recognise that you have a problem and also to take the steps needed to seek help and put a plan in. Really hope you can do it too.

I had a further look at Smart recovery and completed quite a few of the worksheets along with my husband. We made the decision to stop and we managed to go all weekend which is something we haven’t done in years. I found it ok, some cravings but manageable. Last weekend the same and really wanted to use on Saturday but did something else. Was so proud of us. This week discovered there is a potential I have cancer so knocked for 6. I didn’t even think about getting coke but my husband came home with it. He felt under the circumstances we needed a night off from it all. I can honestly say I have no interest now in using after this blip as I want to be prepared for what comes and be healthy physically and mentally. Those 2 weeks I felt I could look myself in the mirror without the shame xx

So sorry to hear about your health issues and really hope you're alright. Sometimes a diagnosis can be the lightbulb moment that gives you the motivation you so desperately need in order to change, (it happened with me, as had been drinking dependently for 10+ years, then was diagnosed with cirrhosis).
Sometimes going to residential rehabilitation works brilliantly, but once the individual leaves, they can find it extremely difficult to live life on life's terms outside of the bubble.
12 Step, SMART recovery, (which you mentioned you've engaged with) and Lifering are all beneficial mutual aid groups, but perhaps it's time to access tailored support, through organisations like Change Grow Live or Turning Point? (Google local drug and alcohol services). You get free, non-judgemental treatment and some services offer counselling as part of their aftercare support.
As you've experienced, it's one thing to stop, but it's another to stay stopped. Advise you to invest as much time as you can into your recovery; think how much time you've invested into your using and if you can spend even half as much into recovery, you're giving yourself a chance.
Addiction is an absolute beast. Ignore judgey people who say 'why can't you just stop?', as they obviously don't understand how the brain chemistry changes and how dopamine receptors work. Find your own 'safe reward', whether that is chocolate, the gym etc. (but be careful of cross addiction), and use it when the cravings are intense.
Lapses/blips are common; learn from them and move on. Just try not to let them take you right back to your former using behaviour.
Communicate effectively with your OH: explain that their using around you is extremely unhelpful and if necessary, remove yourself from the environment if they insist on doing it.
Wishing you the best of luck on your journey.
From an 11 year sober recovery worker/addiction specialist.