My wife's vices, how do I help

[Annon1986]

My wife and I have been together for 14 years, when we got together we went out alot and enjoyed partying. Now we are in our late 30s we have a 2 year old boy, and he is amazing. But she still wants to live like she is 21, it means that most weekends I look after our boy while she is hungover, she smokes weed everyday and says she has no plans on giving up. She had a very difficult childhood and she says this is why she needs to smoke weed to forget the past. I always thought that she would outgrow smoking/drinking but it seems to be getting worse. Any advice

In any relationship there needs to be a compatible approach to life's priorities, standards and parenting.
If there is a big difference and one isn't happy you should be able to discuss it and resolve that to mutual satisfaction.
If she isn't listening to your concerns and doesn't want to look at constructive solutions then you should consider if this is how you want to live and if your DC should be growing up with a parent who is high and hung over all the time.

Personally I wouldn't raise a child with someone like that.
It might be her normal but there are better ways to deal with past trauma and she should hear your concerns, consider her child and look at alternative ways to cope.

Personally I would dole out a bit of tough love. Times have chagnged and your DS needs her sober and with it in the mornings. Some boundaries like, weed at the weekends only and by negotiation, as you are the one picking up the childcare. I would also suggest you put forward the idea of talking to someone (a therapist) to help her address the troubles she had in early life. You sound like a great dad and partner by the way.

I couldn’t live like this. It isn’t healthy and as your child grows up they’ll be exposed to it and that could be quite damaging to them.

Could you visit an AA group for support? Or speak to your doctor to see what they advise?

I have tried to encourage counselling / therapy but hasn't seemed to work. It's interesting seeing posts on here about people feeling trapped, coz I feel the same coming from a family where our parents / grandparents have stayed together it feels hard to make a decision like splitting up. I can make it work but I just feel I have to do so much, which make me feel resentful

Might be a good idea to discuss this with others who have experienced similar / are experts.
https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/advice-for-the-families-of-drug-users/#:~:text=Support%20for%20the%20family%20and%20friends%20of%20people%20who%20use%20drugs&text=Your%20GP%20can%20give%20you,a%20person%20who%20uses%20drugs.

I know there is support specifically for families of people who drink/take drugs too much. This link is a start but there are various.

It would be useful to know what your future might look like if you stay if she wants her crutch and won't let it go. How does it affect the kids, what can help her change (though doesn't sound like she wants to).

Personally I can't see how you can stay in love with someone who puts all the adult responsibilities on you, you've effectively got another dependant! I'm 22 years into my relationship and I think we're still going strong because the respect is there, without that the love would die and it would be miserable and lonely being in the partnership.

I wouldn't want someone stoned looking after my two year old. I would talk to her about her behaviour and try to come to a compromise; cut out the weed smoking when caring for your son and try to drink less.

Does she drive, in which case she could end up with a ban as well as potentially injuring or worse still killing someone if she's smoking weed daily.

She needs to want to be a good mum herself, no amount of talking, promises etc will do that. I'd leave her to it and carry on being a present parent. She's had a traumatic childhood, she nay not know how to parent, so buries herself instead. It's actually not your job to rescue her.

It is your job to rescue your child though.
I can't imagine this isn't damaging and what is he learning about relationships and being an adult from this.
He shouldn't have to inherit her problems

Your poor child (and you). She desperately needs help. I couldn’t raise my child around drugs and an absent partner.