I think I'm a functioning addict

[NC4SeekingHelp]

Hi all,

Not sure what I want from this, but I feel like i've reached a point in my life that where i can realise I'm a functioning addict. Late 30s.

I drink and smoke cannabis on a daily basis. I'm a "professional" (whatever that means) who earns around £60k p.a.. I have a wife and 4 children.

I am third generation (that I know of) addict. I grew up with my mum in a council estate, dependent on benefits. When I was 13, my mum turned to drink and I ended up looking after my 4 year old brother from age 13-16. I missed 50% of school between ages 13-16. It got so bad the school at one point thought I'd left. I had to rely on two of my mock GCSE exams for two GCSEs due to living in a rural area and my mum either disappearing or being too drunk to take me in.

I bottled all of this up in my teenage years and have only told a handful of people in real life. The school only found out when I told them why I'd missed my GCSE exams.

At 16, my mother tried to commit suicide and set fire to our house. My brother went to live with his Dad and I went to live on the college campus while I completed my A Levels. I hated my mum but no one could see why. I told everyone the house burning down was an accident as I felt so ashamed.

Today, I couldn't be more proud of my little brother. He's now a professional sportsman and earns great money and is so kind.

I meanwhile have not stopped smoking weed since I first picked it up at 16, apart from on holidays abroad. I drink everyday have done for the last 13 years.

I am ashamed of the person I have turned out to be. I swore down I wouldn't turn into my mother, but yet here I am, an addict. The only thing I have managed is to keep a reasonably paying job and a loving wife and kids.

Everyday I feel like someone is going to realise how shit I am and my whole world will fall apart.

I think it's a good thing that you have come to realise what's going on and have admitted it to yourself. That feels like the first step.

The next question is, what do you want to do about it? Do you want to stop? If you do and you are serious about it then talk to your wife about how you feel and get some professional help. Attend a support group where you will have access to lots of people who are dealing with the same things and will be able to point you in the right direction.

Stopping and removing this from your life will be really hard work but worth it.

You have a lot to be proud of yourself for.

You have sacrificed a lot for your brother and it sounds like he's doing really well.

You have recognised you want to change things and only you can change them.

Aside from these two things that you are unhappy about, your life from what you have written seems to be going well?

Do you want to stop smoking weed and drinking?

Is it a lot or just one drink etc etc. whatever it is, you seem to have had enough of it.

Can you reduce and see how you get on or will you go full I am done and stop it all At once?

Someone will be along soon with better advice than me I am not great with words but I wonder if you need to also recognise the good you have done with your brother and be proud of yourself and focus on the good things too aswell as the things you are changing. X.