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Original poster

Boyfriend gambling.

2 replies

Angel0602 · 11/06/2024 12:44

I feel so disheartened. I was in a very toxic relationship for years with someone who had multiple addictions so I know what addictions do to people but this time i really thought id found some one who did not have these issues and I could just relax knowing there is trust there. In the first few months of our relationship there was once I noticed something, we spoke about it and i stupidly ( especially after my past) thought that was the end of the issue.
Fast forward to a year later and here comes the defensiveness/ missing money/ things not adding up so decided to trust my instincts ans call him out on it bluntly so there was nowhere to hide. Shock horror... " okay I've put the odd bet on here or there but I'm not mad gambling" so I push further because that still doesn't add up. ( we're saving for a house, have a 5 month old baby) and he has another son from pervious relationship.. Admittedly things have moved quickly, but we still live separately and are just trying to create a future for us as a family so feel like I have a right to have some insight into his expenses and he does mine due to planning to buy a home together.
Told him outright I didn't believe him and if he has nothing to hide I want to see his online banking, I've lived enough to know when I'm being lied to and whilst I'd never normally request this sort of invasion of privacy, I can't buy a house with someone I don't trust financially.
Then the messages "I'm sorry" "ive actually spent xxx on gambling but im ashamed and have closed all my accounts" " ill do better by you and sons" messages started flooding in but I know addictions and I now feel I can't trust him. He tried to lie to me at the beginning. He is on a full time wage living with his mum and dad and pays out a little over £200 a month, he earns over £2000 and yet asked me to lend money 2 weeks after him being paid. That's how I instantly knew something was wrong. I'm not sure where I go from here. My reaction Is further intensified because of past relationship, and I feel lik3 my dreams of a family home are about to be shattered in front of me.
Not sure whether I'm just looking for support or want some sort of advice so go ahead with anything. I feel so deflated right now.

OP posts:
Froniga · 11/06/2024 13:44

Angel0602 · 11/06/2024 12:44

I feel so disheartened. I was in a very toxic relationship for years with someone who had multiple addictions so I know what addictions do to people but this time i really thought id found some one who did not have these issues and I could just relax knowing there is trust there. In the first few months of our relationship there was once I noticed something, we spoke about it and i stupidly ( especially after my past) thought that was the end of the issue.
Fast forward to a year later and here comes the defensiveness/ missing money/ things not adding up so decided to trust my instincts ans call him out on it bluntly so there was nowhere to hide. Shock horror... " okay I've put the odd bet on here or there but I'm not mad gambling" so I push further because that still doesn't add up. ( we're saving for a house, have a 5 month old baby) and he has another son from pervious relationship.. Admittedly things have moved quickly, but we still live separately and are just trying to create a future for us as a family so feel like I have a right to have some insight into his expenses and he does mine due to planning to buy a home together.
Told him outright I didn't believe him and if he has nothing to hide I want to see his online banking, I've lived enough to know when I'm being lied to and whilst I'd never normally request this sort of invasion of privacy, I can't buy a house with someone I don't trust financially.
Then the messages "I'm sorry" "ive actually spent xxx on gambling but im ashamed and have closed all my accounts" " ill do better by you and sons" messages started flooding in but I know addictions and I now feel I can't trust him. He tried to lie to me at the beginning. He is on a full time wage living with his mum and dad and pays out a little over £200 a month, he earns over £2000 and yet asked me to lend money 2 weeks after him being paid. That's how I instantly knew something was wrong. I'm not sure where I go from here. My reaction Is further intensified because of past relationship, and I feel lik3 my dreams of a family home are about to be shattered in front of me.
Not sure whether I'm just looking for support or want some sort of advice so go ahead with anything. I feel so deflated right now.

I’d finish the relationship. The trust is no longer there and a gambling addiction is not conducive to saving to purchase a house together.
Put this behind you and thank God that your past experience allowed you to pick up on it sooner rather than later.
Take care and look after you and your little one

weredormouse · 11/06/2024 13:52

I’m really sorry you’ve just had this land on you. It’s a big emotional blow. Definitely look for advice AND support, as you’ll need both. I mean advice from qualified people, and support from people you know, much more than anything on here, however well-meaning ;)

Look after yourself and your baby first. You’ll find lots of resources online telling you how to look after the gambler. But you come first.

I have a mortgage and kids with a gambler (the mortgage came long before the gambling) and honestly, I can’t recommend it at all. Even if he never gambles again (unlikely) it’s a constant source of stress. And could go really, really wrong.

The fact that he’s only told you about the gambling when you called him out doesn’t sounds like he’s reached the point of quitting. Sorry to sound harsh there. But it sounds like your instincts tell you the same.

Find out about local and online resources for people affected by others’ gambling. Gamcare have a women’s pathway which they’re developing and already has a fab online group. You can get referred by a quick call to the main gamcare helpline. You can also get one-to-one support for free - they can refer you for this too.

Your partner can obviously access support too. I’d really recommend that he does but ultimately only he can choose.

A big thing I wish I’d realised when I found out is just how much emotional energy this crap situation uses. Go easy on yourself. Get as wide a support network as you can. Wishing you all the best x

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