DH cocaine relapse on the cards…

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I have namechanged for this.

My DH stopped using cocaine and drinking alcohol in July after being admitted to hospital with cocaine-induced psychosis. It’s been a rocky road since then and I thought he was doing well until we attended an event in March which he got incredibly drunk at.

He said it was a one-off but since then his drinking has continued to increase and he’s now regularly drinking again. He hasn’t used cocaine again as far as I am aware but has reconnected with the “friends” he promised to cut out of his life, the friends he would have regularly taken cocaine with.

DH is aware that if he ever takes cocaine again I will end the marriage without hesitation, however he is putting himself at risk of a relapse by socialising with these people again, he is going out drinking with them this weekend.

Has anyone been in this situation before and could share their experience? He says he has no desire to take cocaine and therefore it’s not an issue but I think he is incredibly naive to be reconnecting with these so-called friends, however I am done policing his behaviour as all it does is cause me great stress. He is an adult and he is free to make his own choices and therefore deal with the consequences.

Hi, I can relate to what you’re going through so much, my H had a cocaine addiction about 10 years ago and had a bunch of ‘friends’ he did coke with. Once he got clean he knew he had to cut them out otherwise the temptation and risk would always be there and he would lose everything.

This reconnecting with old mates has trouble written all over it. Drugs will re enter and damage his life and all around it. The fact that he feels entitled to meet up with them after everything that’s happened is really disrespectful to you and in your shoes I would give him an ultimatum- if you contact/ meet up with them we’re finished. Sending support. X

I was meaning to ask as well, has he been to any sort of rehab or Al anon/ NA groups? These are really good for refocusing and helps people in recovery identify risk factors and how dangerous they are but he has to want this himself. It sounds like he is very vulnerable to a relapse so giving him the stark choice- friends and drink, potentially coke and no wife vs cutting contact & potential to repair marriage while going to NA might give him the shake up he needs.

When my son abused drugs, I turned to www.famanon.org.uk which is a 12 step program for the families/friends who are affected by another’s abuse of mind altering substances. They have a helpline, a forum, literature, UK wide online and face 2 face meetings.
I had to use tough love and addicts have to suffer the consequences of their poor choices, to stop enabling.
The 3 Cs of addiction are…
You didn’t CAUSE it
You can’t CONTROL it
You can’t CURE it
Boundaries are also vital to protect yourself, otherwise addiction will significantly impact on your wellbeing and bank balance.

Thank you both for your responses.

DH has now been socialising with his old crowd every weekend again, just like old times. He has not taken cocaine again yet and to prove this he submitted to a hair follicle drug test last week which came back clear for everything. However, this doesn’t make me trust him anymore. All it proves is that he had not taken cocaine again up until the point of the test, it doesn’t stop him taking it this weekend, or next, and I can’t keep drug testing him for every time he goes out to prove it.

After the incident last summer he was referred to addiction services by the mental health team but because he was no longer using when he seen them they weren’t interested in helping him. He did not attend any groups or meetings and is not interested in engaging with them at this point.

Can I ask what sort of “boundaries” you have put in place @serene12 ?

At this stage I feel like it’s just a waiting game until he inevitably uses coke again and our marriage breaks up.

The most significant boundary that we had to put in place was, if you go out and use drugs we will evict you and use the Police. Our son was only 18 at the time and our other sons were younger, so we had to safeguard them from all the awful behaviour that comes from the family disease of addiction. Our son was looked after in a supported housing project, where there were strict boundaries.

This was a few years ago, he has never returned home, but is welcome to stay for a few days. He has a degree and works. He actually thanked us for throwing him out! he said that he wouldn’t be the lovely man that he is today if we hadn’t used tough love.

Hello my partner has relapsed 2 weeks ago. I feel miserable. Hes hiding it (terribly) ive barely seen him and im alone 99% of the time. Cant stand the loneliness and empty days he used to fill. Im sat struggling with all the memories and hopes for a good life. He saw me yesterday. Faked an appointment to pop out. I found a pipe in his pocket whilst he slept. I havent even said anything to him because he was delusional last week and seeing things

Hi @Rudemum18 how are things now?