I left my husband a couple of years ago and it was an absolutely horrific situation. I tried to go back to allow the children to grow up in a family environment but the price was too high...suicidal ideation was constant for me because of the dynamics of the relationship. A lot of it is due to sexual abuse, as a child and as an adult prior to meeting my husband.
I am trying hard to coparent with him in the best way possible but I find myself being retraumatised when I am with him. He buys loads of sweets and cakes and they are always around....when I am upset I reach for them amd it helps me to cope as the sugar lifts my mood.
However, I come away feeling ghastly.
My body is one of the few things I have control over and I am allowing myself to fall backwards. I need to get divorced, but he doesn't want to. I don't want to be tied to this man forever. My sons are with him tonight and I feel as though I've let them down by sending them back for the night.
He just does as little as possible, with everything, and it affects my self esteem because it means my beautiful sons aren't being properly cared for.
I tried asking for help via CAFCASS and the family courts, but they just dismissed it as different parenting styles. I feel defeated and I can't sleep.... menopause doesn't help. I can feel my gut touching my legs when I sit down and I feel rough with it. Actually, I feel disgusting. I lost my self control and it has really upset me.
If I could avoid it, I just wouldn't go, but then the boys would miss out....he does take them out but it's never anything special....they ask for as little as possible and if he's feeling generous they might get something.
I feel so powerless and ashamed of using food to cope. It makes me feel so ashamed. I have to go in a few hours and I am going to take some fruit tea with me...I am hoping that will help.
I don't know whether anyone can relate to this, but I don't want to go back to being the person I was when we were together. The environment is toxic for me. I can't day this to him without causing stress and upset, but I need some support.
Thank you for reading this, I just needed to get it out there.