Addicted family member...

[ManchesterBeatrice]

Sorry for the slightly general headline. But my sister is a drug addict, prescription, drugs, but gained illegally on the black market.

I need some advice on how to hold my boundaries around them, they are constantly asking for money, and also behaving very selfishly, which I understand is part of addiction.

It's almost like I exist, only to be talked that, complained at, and asked for money.

I'm trying to establish boundaries, but don't want to cut them off completely, I'm also struggling with feeling guilty, and like I should be doing more to help, but I honestly don't know what to do.

Does anybody know any good resources for other family members of drug addicts? Or good books I could read about boundaries?

You must not give her money. If necessary, buy her some food. I’m afraid you have to harden yourself and look after yourself (I’ve learned from experience). There must be a website similar to al-anon Look at Narcotics Anonymous or ask at your GP surgery. Finally, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help. Only your sister can decide to get treatment and give up drugs. You can’t do anything about it at all.

Hi, i don't have any books or resources however i have been through a very similar situation with my sister. (Her addiction is Alcohol). I had care of her children for five months.
Decide a list of your boundaries, for me it is I will never get into a car with her driving, I do not have any deep conversations and if she visits they are limited to two hours, i do not lend her money if she asks for groceries i will get a her a shop. Once you have decided your boundaries, you stick to them.
You will feel guilt as the world tells you that they are an addict and don't mean their attacks on you.
Some boundaries that may work based on your post are:

1. If they ask for money for specific items offer to order them the item, or send them to a food bank if they are asking for food.
2. Also say that you will only have in person contact when they are sober
3. if they are talking over the phone and behave in a manner you don't want them to end the conversation. The thing about boundaries is to communicate them initially to the person and to say they are not negotiable. Also you need to point out that these boundaries are being put in place because of their behaviour and their current lifestyle. If you receive backlash then you just try and remain strong. I will be thinking about your situation. Also know that my sister has been sober for about 6 weeks and so far the boundaries i have put in place to protect me are working i just constantly reinforce them when she undoubtedly crosses them.

Thank you so much for this, it's so difficult isn't it.

The world tells you that that addict is not at fault, which I do agree with to a certain extent, however, as the relative of an addict, you have to deal with such a lot, and you are a victim in your own way.

Those boundaries sound really good, I think I need to be better at establishing those.

the issue is that they don't think they have a problem, they intellectualise their drugtaking, and try and talk their way out of it being a problem. It is worth saying. There is an extremely high level of intelligence, which, in many ways has been their downfall as they think they can out think addiction.

I read something about the four behaviours of an addict, being victim, fear, guilt, and hope.

And I really recognise those my sister. A conversation can circle around her being the victim, trying to scare me with threats of suicide, trying to make me feel guilty for not doing enough, and then trying to give me the hope that she is going to get better.

I'm also very interested in what you say about, no deep conversations…

How have you navigated that?

And if you don't mind me asking, what kind of context were the deep conversations?

This is something I'm also navigating.

@TealBee Also, apologies for another question but have you established any boundaries for instant messaging, that's the problem with our instant world. And those messages can throw you off, stress you, make demands etc.

I'm actually a recovering addict but when it comes to messages if it's WhatsApp can you archive her chat, then only access when you have time to engage / respond?

@ManchesterBeatrice Those are great questions, It has taken ages to deal with those 4 behaviours some help has come from creating my own support network who also knew what was going on that way you aren't on your own. I just made sure that that network family.
Deep conversations at the moment include anything to do with the social services involvement, erm my relationship with my partner my sister believe she should know everything. I also refuse to have any political conversations with her just because she turns it into an argument but thats just a personal one. I tend to keep the conversation to silly things like me dropping eggs at work or missing a bus that sort of stuff.
The victimisation is a hard one as addicts can be quite narcissistic in their behaviour so will try and make you out to be at fault, so when setting boundaries i just say "for me to participate in this relationship there needs to be boundaries and these are mine, if you feel you can't or that you don't want to then we can't have the relationship you want" something like this.
Instant messaging is hard as they can see you have read so unless you want to go text only then this will be hard but you can still reinforce your boundaries over it. If it becomes a place they use to attack then sadly block is your best friend.
I do think the thing that has helped me the most is just making a list of the things that i need and not negotiating on them. I really hope that this has helped