Kicked out my 18 year old daughter an feel terrible

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Hope it's OK for me to post as a dad.

My 18 year old daughter has been addicted to ketamine for a while now and it is getting worse.
It has ravaged her and she has completely changed from the girl she once was.
Her and I were very close and now she can't stand me.

Her mum and I split up in 2017 and it was a messy divorce.
She came to live with me and my new partner and we all got on well.

When she hit 15 she got a boyfriend and that was the first time I found out that she smoked some weed with him.

The weed had an impact on her school life and she started not caring about education.

She dropped out of school at 16 and couldn't be bothered doing anything.

She would go out socialising with her step sister and their friends but not much else. I later found out that weed and cocaine were being used by them and all of their friend group. I went mental at them.

I gave my daughter a job working with me at my company to give her some stability and structure. She refused to come downstairs to work and instead would stay in her bed and work while lying under the covers with YouTube on in the background.

Over the last couple of years she would disappear out the house in the middle of the night, I would be worrying about where she was going or who she was meeting. Turns out she was meeting drug dealers to get more drugs.

She has been brought home by the police 2 or 3 times in the last couple of years.

Recently things got worse and she would start stealing money from the house to buy or pay off drug dealers.
She is addicted to ketamine and weed.

I have had to pay off drug dealers 3 times for her.

A couple of months ago she was on drugs and started smashing up the house. She started smashing pictures and throwing my wife's things out the window.
I threw her out of the house and said she would have to go and love with her mum who lives around the corner.

She stayed with her mum for a couple of weeks and was getting drugs delivered to the living room window.

She has admitted that she is addicted to ketamine but says she will never stop smoking weed because it is a good thing to take.

I have had her at therapists, councilors, meetings for addicts, Dr's appointments, she is on antidepressants and anti anxiety medications.

A month ago she went to rehab for 28 days and left after 18 days.

I visited her at rehab and she was doing well, it was like my daughter was there again, I could actually have a normal conversation with her. Then the second week she wanted out, she was saying that she wanted to move back in with me and my wife when she got out because she thought heruks house was not clean enough for her.

She didn't like some of the men in rehab. Also some drug dealers from outside were messaging her saying that they had some ketamine waiting for her for when she gets out.
Unfortunately there were some not very nice men there so I had to take her out.

She appeared fine when she got out for the first 2 days, then she went full steam ahead and was back on the ketamine and weed. She was taking it in the house and it was literally all over her face.
I took her phone and laptop from her so that she had no communication with the dealers. She did not appreciate this.
I locked her devices away in a filing cabinet but she managed to break into it and got them out. Again she ordered more drugs.

I found out and tried to get her phone and laptop from her, she started hitting, kicking and biting me.
She also punched my wife, kicked her in the stomach and pulled out hair from the back of her head.
I was trying to control her and hold her down while she was throwing punches and the bin all over the kitchen floor.
I held her down and my wife called the police and they arrived quite quickly.
She was shouting and swearing at the police and calling them names. They arrested her and took her to the station.
She was out at her mums within an hour.

She is no longer allowed in our house and is no longer working for me.

She said she will never talk to me again because the police were called on her.
But what was I to do when she was smashing up the house, assaulting me and my wife in front of my wife's mother and other kids in the house???

I feel bad, can't stop thinking it's all my fault (even though I have always given her everything she needed over the years), wondering if I could have done things differently etc.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?

Not been in your situation, but I believe you have done the right thing. Take care. X

Honestly I think you have done everything and more in your power to help her. It must be so hard to see your daughter like this, she is not prepared to make any changes so I don't see you had any choice. The violence would have been the limit for me to.

Addiction is a monster, we are helpless when the addict loves their drug more than us and has no desire to quit.

I had a friend on heroin and I know how useless everyone is in the face of it. He would also steal and lie and do anything to keep using.

I am sorry this is happening to you and your family.

Sounds like you’ve been a really proactive and loving Dad. You have 100% done the right thing. My parents were in your situation when my DB was 16. It continued on and off until he was 35! I can hand on heart say it pretty much ruined my DM and probably DF life. Paying off dealers, picking him up from the hospital after an OD, windows put through. I went NC first when I realised trying to help an addict is the pathway to madness. I sought help from here and then
https://www.turning-point.co.uk/support-we-offer/friends-and-family
I learned about the 3 C’s and releasing with love. Eventually I convinced my parents to do the same and tell DB that they loved him but his actions and continual returning to drugs made him hard to love. Whilst that was still his priority we’d be no contact. An addict will use every mode of manipulation possible and can guilt trip like no other. I supported my parents to hold firm and let him try and hit rock bottom himself. He did … eventually.

Hugs to you. It’s bloody awful but don’t set your self up for a lifetime of it.

Thinking of you, and wishing you the best. You absolutely did the right thing, hard as it was. You are also responsible for the safety of the rest of your family, and calling the police was the best option. You free the line at violence, and that was 100% correct. It sounds like you have done everything you can to support your daughter, and setting clear boundaries now is no bad thing.

What you are going through is really tough. I’m so sorry you find yourself in this position, and I also feel sorry for your daughter. She sounds so angry and miserable. Are you having therapy for yourself? I think it’s really important that you are being supported through this. It’s exhausting loving an addict. A therapist who specialises in addiction could help if that’s accessible, or going to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting.

I know it’s impossible to not feel guilty but it’s important to have boundaries and not let your daughter hurt you or your wife. It’s ok to say she can’t be in the house when she is being violent and calling the police was the right thing to do.

You said your divorce was messy, what’s the relationship with your ex like now? I think the more you can repair this and be amicable with each other the better for your daughter. Even if you can’t be civil with each other I would try and maintain a united front e.g: ‘your mum and I don’t agree on lots of things but we both love you and want you to be healthy and happy’ and shutting down or ignoring negative comments from your DD about your ex rather than fuelling her fire.

In terms of rehab, deep down I think addicts have to be ready for it on some level in order for it to work. It also doesn’t sound like a great facility if she was allowed access to her phone straight away and more importantly it wasn’t safe for her. That said, people with addictions can be manipulative and so if she enters rehab again I would research the best possible place and then be firm about her staying out the 30 days unless you know for certain she is at risk. My family member had to go abroad for rehab to be successful but we were luckily in a position that made it possible at the time.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things, and I think continuing to love your daughter and letting her know that’s the case (while maintaining boundaries) is really important.

Good luck. You cannot change this, only your response to it and how it affects you. I hope things do change for your daughter and your family though. It’s brutal.

My mom is an addict, and my dad died of an overdose.

She needs to decide to stop on her own. Abusing you and your wife is not ok.

You did the right thing.

You did the right thing.
She will say she hates you, she will throw in a comment or two linking you to the drug use etc. Do not listen to her and do your best not to take it personal - I know it is personal and she is your flesh and blood but that’s the drugs talking.
Cliche as it sounds she needs to hit rock bottom and then decide whether she wants to change.
Reading your post you sound like a fantastic dad - you have taken lots of steps to support and get her help.
I would only communicate through your ex to check in but otherwise cut contact with her. She may see your support as a safety net but a safety net back to having an alternative safe space to get money and space to use drugs rather than a safety net to getting clean.
Wishing you lots of patience and genuinely the best for your daughter for the year to come.

I can identify with your situation, we also had to involve the Police to evict our 18 year old son from our home, due to similar behaviour. Your home should be your sanctuary, not a scary place. That was 12 years ago, today he’s at university and working part time. We’re so proud of him

Luckily I discovered www.famanon.org.uk Families Anonymous is a 12 step programme for the families/friends of a loved one with a suspected drug problem. I learnt to detach with love, not to enable and to look after me. Families Anonymous have a helpline, forum, literature and both online and in person UK wide meetings.

You are in a terrible situation but you have done the right thing. Isn’t it called tough love? DS is an alcoholic and I have had to cut myself off from her problems. While she is sober we are friends but I have made myself ill in the past trying to deal with her when she is drinking and will no longer engage with her when she is.

Hi there, I'm sorry your going through this, it's an awful situation to be in, ketamine is an awful drug and the pull this has on them is nothing I've ever seen, my son was addicted and I made him move out several times and had him back, he was never violent though I just didn't want it in my house as I have a younger son also. My son passed away from ketamine toxicity earlier this year, now I'm not saying that will happen to your daughter, it's rare but its possible, i have a ketamine awareness Facebook group if you want to join and you can private message me on there? I have a WhatsApp group of 6 other families who's going through exactly what you are going through and its been really helpful having other people to talk to that's going through the same thing, but I think your doing the right thing.

That would be helpful thanks.

What is the name of the group?

You couldn't have done anything else. I would have done the same thing. There is no way I'd allow that carry on in my house. As long as she knows she can come back once clean of off any kind of drug including weed for good.
You shouldn't feel guilty, she is an adult now and if she wants to carry on like that then she needs to move out and do it.

I made my son leave my house because of drugs, 6 months later he came back clean and hasn't taken drugs since. He soon realised life on drugs without family wasn't so great.

Do you know where she is staying?

You have done all you can to help her.

I wouldn't have piss off the drug dealers three times but you were caught in a situation that your daughter has created and in that turmoil you did what you thought would protect your daughter and your family.

A good beating or worse by a drug dealer may have brought her to her senses.

You have to practice tough love and that means she is understands that you will no longer tolerate her behaviour and the only way to do that is to cut her adrift.

She will either descend even further or she will find herself and gain the strength to overcome this putrid lifestyle.

Unfortunately, smoking were as a teenager may be a gateway for other drugs and it damages a growing mind.

You've done all that you can and have my heartfelt sympathy.

There is a Facebook group that you may want to join for support from other parents in similar positions as you -

📸 facebook.com/groups/1474776359317053/?ref=share&mibextid=K35XfP

Ketamine also shrinks the bladder and can leads to irreversable difficulties urinating. Something else you can tell DD to put her off. Every little helps.

I'm under a urologist for other problems, but I've been a patient a long time and know him very well. We were talking at my last appt and he said its scary how much ketamine use has increased in teenagers, and they're getting more and more referrals. Sadly, by the time the addict realises they have bladder issues, it's often too late to save them and they end up with a bag.

If you don't mind me asking OP, how is she funding this?

Wishing you and your DD the best of luck. 💐