Sympathy for alcoholism

[bitofashit]

I have a friend who I've known for many years, but not a close friend. More a friend as part of a group.

This person has been a heavy drinker for many years but the last few years it escalated and caused great distress to their partner and children, culminating in their break up.

They are now very ill (has had numerous hospital admissions over the last couple of years) and I'm just struggling to feel sympathetic.

Facebook is full of messages of support (the majority of whom I doubt know the full background) and I'm feeling guilty about not feeling much sympathy when they had so many chances to say "I'm an alcoholic and I need help". Their partner offered to pay for rehab/therapy numerous times and they refused it, blaming the health issues on everything except drink.

Am I being too harsh? This situation was inevitable and I'm torn between feeling so sad that they've ended up like this, and angry at what they put their loved ones through (who I've ended up closer friends with because of supporting through this)

I also struggle with the ‘alcoholism is an illness and we must be sympathetic’ narrative. As a (now adult) child of alcoholic parents, I just don’t have it in me to be patient and understanding.

I knew an alcoholic who treated me and other people around them really badly. I don’t have any sympathy

It's an illness but you are right to feel angry. But it is an illness. Doesn't mean you have to he involved. I wouldn't be able to. You can empathise and still not have any involvement.

Both of my uncles were alcoholics, one got clean after a near fatal heart attack and the other died from sepsis/liver failure. Both in their 40s when this happened, and I've seen what my cousins have had to deal with. Behind every alcoholic is a trail of devastation.

I have no sympathy whatsoever, it's entirely self inflicted. Everyone makes that choice with drink initially, same with drugs. It's their families where my concern goes.

My father died of alcoholism and was a nasty, vicious, violent person to boot. I feel sorry for the families of alcoholics, especially children and also the medical staff trying to help them, because addicts are difficult to deal with. Not alcoholics themselves.

While I think in my family there is a genetic component, I do not buy into the narrative of an illness that strikes out of the blue and is out of their control.

Also the (adult) child of a (now deceased) alcoholic. And recently lost a friend to alcoholism. I do see it as an extremely destructive illness and unfortunately part of the illness is difficulty accepting help.

It’s devastating for the people around them and it’s devastating for them. They’re not having fun. They are addicts. It’s easy to see it as a choice, but it isn’t, it’s desperation. People don’t drink themselves to death, lose their very selves and relationships with those around them by choice.

My step dad is an alcoholic. Thankfully, my mother divorced him earlier this year.

I do agree, to a certain extent, that substance abuse/addiction overall can come from trauma.

But he never tried to quit, he just got progressively worse to the point where he couldn't hold down a job and developed a porn addiction too! He is a crappy person without the drinking too

So, no, I don't feel sorry for alcoholics - I'm only sorry that I had to spend my childhood around this man, and I am sorry for my mother, who is a beautiful and educated woman with a wonderful career but still decided to put up with this joke of a 'man'.

No sympathy from me either ,i cannot understand at all how any parent would choose drink over their children.
Also i have seen the destruction an ex friend caused by drinking , they became a nasty piece of work , no loss to me but i saw how their life became and how friends and family walked away.
I also don't consider it an illness.

My best friend, my ex, is an alcoholic who's starting a home detox in the new year. He's actually a lovely, lovely man, non aggressive and hates the fact that he needs alcohol to stay normal.

I think the difference may be that his path was laid out to him as a child, surrounded by alcohol and alcoholics.

I am supporting him. No more than I can afford, but he is determined to do it, as his liver is already a bit fucked.

I think what I'm trying to say is that not all alcoholics are pieces of shit. So many are people who've self medicated for years then it gets out of control.

I would feel sympathy to a certain extent, because whatever the reason for getting to that stage, it must be an absolutely miserable state to be in, amd incredibly difficult to pull yourself out. It's easy to say that someone had umpteen chances to ask for help if you've never been in that position yourself. Having said that, some things that addicts do are probably unforgivable.

Very little sympathy here for alcoholics and their enablers. I hate that alcoholics anonymous is anonymous, why does everyone have to protect and support the addicted person, this support drains those who have no control over the addict or their addiction. The anonymity protects the addict to the detriment of those sucked into their turmoil.

The addict gets sick, and suffer, long lasting ill effects, which requires support from whoever has been identified as the support prop in the family. Often the support props have no choice over all of this, they are just forced into that position.

It's the addicts support network that I feel sorry for. All addicts are narcissists.

No sympathy for those who choose not get help which is readily available
Daughter and ex wife of an alcoholic
Goes for all addictions
I can understand how easy it is to fall into but it's a self inflicted illness which needs hard work to overcome and in both my encounters they were completely unwilling to try .

Alcohol damages your brain and removes the nice bits of the person. If you weren’t a shit before you drank, you turn into one.

Drunks are startlingly foul. The damage they do to their families well exceeds any self-harm. Exceptions exist, and I hope everyone gets one of them.

Leave the compassion job to those the alcoholic hasn’t hurt, beggared, hit or burdened.

We have alcoholics in the extended family. My sympathy is reserved for the children, who had to live through their parent choosing booze over them.

No sympathy from me either, as the child of an alcoholic parent I always struggle when people call alcoholism an illness. To me alcohol is an addiction the same as cigarettes or drugs - it's a choice, illness is not

In all honesty this person isn't nasty when drunk, but the fact is that they had every opportunity to seek help and refused to. Has always been extremely popular and drinking aside, a lovely kind hearted person who would give you the shirt off their back.

I'm just feeling guilty because so many other people are sending messages of sympathy to them thinking they're ill (which they are, but not many people know why). In addition lots of people apparently blame the partner for breaking up with them, not realising what had gone on before.

It's an emotionally confusing situation.

It's wild to me that people are saying they have no sympathy towards alcoholics. Alcoholism is not a choice, it is absolutely debilitating and is the result of untreated depression/anxiety/other MH issues and/or trauma.

Happy people do not drink themselves to death. Mentally unwell people do though.

Yes there are those that overcome addiction, there are those that suffer mental illness and/or trauma and turn it in to a positive. Just like how there are people who get cancer and end up fundraising and there are others who die from the same type of cancer. Everyone's body and mind react differently.

To have no empathy towards those suffering from addiction makes me feel quite sad. What a horrible way to be.

I am sympathetic to an extent ( have to deal with quite a few alcoholics through my work) but also find them incredibly selfish. I do so bloody much for them and there's never a word of thanks and then sometimes just a load of abuse. It's sad but then they always tell me that they used to lead normal lives, have jobs etc and I realize it can actually happen to anyone. It's very sad. My lovely friend turned to drink ( and possibly drugs) after her marriage broke down and died prematurely leaving three young adult kids. I also have numerous colleagues who have lost siblings young leaving kids motherless. It is really sad. It is an illness/ addiction and I'm sure most would love to lead a normal life if they could overcome it.

I used alcohol to overcome social anxiety, and quickly realised I'd been doing it for 22 years and had no idea I couldn't function without it.

I've stopped drinking altogether now and found it easy as I was never physically addicted.

I've never been more miserable though and hate sobriety, I have no friends and don't leave the house, the last time I had agoraphobia was 22 years ago and that was the beginning of my drinking, it gave me the courage to go outside and talk to people and live life, now I'm just trying to get through life.
I need alcohol to be normal but I knew it had to stop.
I wouldn't expect any sympathy because I wouldn't expect anyone to understand what alcohol did for me.
I look back at my 2 decades of drinking and know that was the only time I will ever be happy.

There are lots of people, problems and situations to feel desperately sad about in the country. With regard to alcohol addiction, it’s a slippery slope. There are choices along the way, many many choices. Even towards the lower end of the slippery slope when alcohol use becomes alcohol addiction (whether physical or psychological), there are choices to be made to an extent. I do feel sympathy for people who are on the slippery slope downwards to the point of no return, but of course there are also very nasty and selfish people within that cohort who happen to be bad people. There are also people within the cohort who desperately want to be better people better parents better partners, but really don’t know how to escape the addiction. Help is there but it’s not always obvious or evenly spread round the country. Of course the greatest sympathy must go to the families of addicts who are beyond the point of no return.

To me this is very similar when people have severe mental health issues like schizophrenia or major depression. If you are close to them and offering help it is so natural to be furious when they don’t take it. I have lived with a parent who has behaved so badly it makes me so angry, and I know if they take their meds and stop drinking it would make everything so much better

but they are ill

mental illness is just so much harder to understand, and addiction makes even the kindest people incredibly selfish. But I have to keep reminding myself that they have disordered thinking, and they are in pain

A couple I know have both died within weeks of each other due to alcoholism.

I was torn between sympathy and exasperation that they wouldn’t help themselves.

Most of my sadness is for their two young adult daughters who lived with it and now have lost both parents.

Alcoholism is certainly rooted in unmanaged mental health problems, but at some point you have to choose to help yourself.

I am an adult child of alcoholics. I have no sympathy. None at all. It is incredibly selfish to drink and drink to the point that you hurt the people around you. There are other options for dealing with the underlying reasons people have bad relationships with alcohol. There is never an excuse for how much harm an alcoholic can inflict, especially on a child who has no choice to leave.

if they get sober and try to be a better person, then I would try to offer a second chance. Until that time, it’s best to keep your distance.