How can I move past DH's alcoholism/addictions

[helpnstuff]

DH and I have been married 11 years and together a lot longer. We have 14-year-old DD and 10-year-old DD. We were with each other for a couple of years in our 20s and then split up. He got back in touch with me when we were 35 and we ended up in a relationship again. But when we got together the second time I realised he had developed a drinking problem, which he claims was the result of giving up cocaine and cannabis. He didn't drink every day and not even every week, but he would binge drink to the extent where a few days will be wiped off. On one occasion when I was pregnant with DD who is now 10 he went missing for a few days and the police found him asleep in the car. I put a message up here about it when it happened people were very supportive. Time moved on and the binges got less and less to the extent that I would say they probably happen a couple of times a year and he normally gets drunk one night and sleeps of the next and barely touch a drop of alcohol at all the rest of the time. He's also held down six figure salary which he gave up to study last year and that has also plunged me into a bit of anxiety because I am worried about money and how we going to make every pay for everything. He always says things will turn out okay. He tends to do a lot of grand plans. I find myself doing things I don't really want to do But last night he went to a concert in London not far from where we live. I didn't go, but I waited up. This morning, he smells of booze again. The thing is his episodes are few and far between but when they happen they plunged me into such stress and anxiety. I don't know what to do with myself. I have had quite a demanding career but I'm now going through the menopause, and I'm really struggling with things. I can't actually cope with many things and I still remember some occasions where we've had to call an ambulance because he's been so drunk and on one occasion he was in hospital on a drip. He says he's been off the booze but some of his behaviour is still so secretive and I don't know how I can reconcile myself with it. I love him but I don't really know what to do our lives on affected by this on a day-to-day basis, but I do feel I may have developed some anxiety and a few issues as a result of all of this.

I'm not sure he really acknowledges the effect it had on me and he sort of size. My anxiety is to do with my childhood which to some extent is I'm just a little support.

He is an addict, it doesn’t matter what the drug is. You should split to save your kids from it.

Has he ever reached out and had any professional

He's had some help Bansheed and dusty how is that helpful?
I've explained that he is largely dry.

. I love him but I don't really know what to do our lives on affected by this on a day-to-day basis

What else is there to say, put up with it or get out.

Been there done that - walk away. I was always on edge and that went the second he left.

What do you want to do? How do you want to live?

Can he do rehab and then issue a hard ultimatum. Mean it.

From what I understand, when they break that ultimatums and you leave, that is when they sort themselves out. It is heartbreaking

I think your anxiety will leave when he does. Your trust is shot

He's certainly not got the patterns of a more "typical" alcoholic, and I have known a lot. Is he exercising restraint, or what we call white-knuckling it, during his dry spells? It would be useful for him to understand why he still needs to drink on these rare yet disastrous occasions.

I know that the Al Anon advice is to detach with love - I guess to accept that this is part of who he is and, on some level, he's gaining something from it.

Thank you hunting that rings a bell - he says he's proud of having given up alcohol but more the drugs. I wasn't with him when he was taking drugs. He did go to some narcotics anonymous meetings.
So much is going on in my life- I've had to go self employed - and I'm going to retrain in another profession

Okay I know someone who drinks like this (but worse, when the binges happen). I think you need to almost put the alcohol aside in your decision making and recognise your partner’s drinking is not something you can control. You cannot get any guarantees that your partner will not drink again - and in your case it sounds like he isn’t even trying to abstain and doesn’t want to. So these binges will continue to happen - and that’s his choice. But even if he does decide he will stop - there are still no guarantees that he will never drink again. It’s very difficult & that’s just the reality.

So the question you need to ask yourself is whether you can live with the anxiety. You clearly don’t trust him in relation to alcohol - entirely understandably I wouldn’t either - so can you live with that? Only you can answer that question. I agree with others that your anxiety would reduce if you left him. You may decide you still want the relationship - but a relationship without trust in a big area is difficult, so if you decide to stay then you need to think how you will support yourself to stay sane within that level of stress. You will need to develop some detachment skills if you want to continue the relationship without carrying all that anxiety and damaging your own health.

There’s nothing wrong with deciding you can’t do that and leaving. There’s also nothing wrong with staying - but just know how you will protect yourself if you do. You cannot control his drinking.