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Can a recovering addict manage a relationship

19 replies

foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 16:09

Been seeing someone for a few months , was great at first like most things are
Then a few months in he told me he was recovering from coke , he had attempted suicide a couple of years ago and gone briefly to rehab and was now doing well , weekly therapy etc because he has so much trauma from his childhood if he doesn't go he feels he withdraw into himself and shut the world out .
Last week he got upset and told me he was so tempted to relapse and get a line as he feels so much pain and is always hurting.
I've been as supportive as I can , totally there for him I understand depression and although he's told me some of his past I don't know it all except he said he's never been loved and struggles accepting being loved.
Cut forward to this week , I've peed him off in a arguement and he's decided he's hurting to much and he's now chosen to completely ignore me , no contact at all.
Of course I'm hurting , I can't keep texting I don't want to beg him to be with me and I can't pressure him either.
The last few weekends he's pretty much slept all the way through them
, then messaged all groggy when he has woken , he's having some health investigations he's worrying about too but he's told me he ended his last relationship because he couldn't cope with being cared about.
Do relationships like this ever work out or am I best to stay not contacting even though of course it's hurting like anything

OP posts:
thatwassociopathic · 24/08/2023 16:11

Having lived this life for 16 years, I'm exhausted listening to you and couldn't do it again. Fair play to those that could but I would run a mile looking back. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it ruined my life and my kids childhood

userxx · 24/08/2023 16:20

For your own sanity walk away now. Infact run. Dont look back.

longwayoff · 24/08/2023 16:40

This is just the beginning OP. Walk away, he will slowly escalate the tantrums/sulking until 'look what you made me do'. Leave him now. You cant fix him but he can break you.

foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 16:42

@thatwassociopathic I'm
Sorry to hear that , how are you all doing now ?
This is what I'm feeling , get the heartbreak over and done with because the coldness he's able to show and detachment is off the scale

OP posts:
foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 16:42

@userxx thank you

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foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 16:44

Thank you @longwayoff , he's already saying it's me arguing with him that's made him
Withdraw into himself and not know how he feels except hurting
So I think the blaming is already starting to happen

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Incognitoergosumlol · 24/08/2023 16:47

You need to walk away and don't look back - he could use you as a guilt free excuse to relapse ( if he hasn't already). I think anyone in recovery needs to be able to manage themselves first before contemplating a relationship and he does not sound remotely ready....

MyBrewMyShoes · 24/08/2023 17:31

Run.

foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 18:03

@Incognitoergosumlol I wish I would of known from the beginning before I had developed such strong feelings , I know I have to stay away from the replies here aswell , it's just so hard being completely ignored though it will be best in the long run. Sometimes it seems like he enjoys being so wounded by his past as a way of just being "it is what it is "

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foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 18:04

@MyBrewMyShoes I think maybe whilst he's ignoring me I should block his number

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NeverAloneNeverAgain · 24/08/2023 18:13

Yes it is possible to have a functioning relationship in recovery. I don't think what you are describing though is a functioning adult. He needs to reach a point where he has dealt with his past traumas and developed whatever coping skills he needs to mitigate the impact of these on him. The substance is a symptom not yhe cause of his behaviours - the problem is him. He needs to deal with him.

foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 18:19

@NeverAloneNeverAgain this makes sense too , he said the coke helped him deal with the feelings and now the therapy stops him withdrawing into himself but he does that still so I don't think he has found a way of coping with it aside from weekly private therapy which is great that he does that.
Maybe him saying he's put his walls up with me is just his way of ending it like he did to the last ex , I just have to accept it and block and move on don't I

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foxlover47 · 24/08/2023 18:19

I really do appreciate the replies from you all , thank you

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Blueturtle15 · 30/08/2023 12:34

This is he typical cycle unfortunately. I had a friend who dated an alcoholic who also had a history of cocaine. He was around 5 months sober when they met. He would sleep all weekend. Have intense mood swings. He'd be so up and down she became so anxious and distressed. She was often distracted and I could see she didn't get the joy she once had from life. He sucked her energy away and there was always a drama around him. Everytime she came round he'd either given her a silent treatment. Was verbally abusive and kicked her out his house to walk home alone or she'd have other suspicions like women and money issues. He'd speak to his ex still who he'd treated terribly too. But I guess the ex was still bonded to him and hurting. It was all a mess. Everything you've said is the exact experience she had.

I have also discovered this week my partner has a coke habit. I am in shock

userxx · 30/08/2023 13:14

He'd be so up and down she became so anxious and distressed. She was often distracted and I could see she didn't get the joy she once had from life. He sucked her energy away and there was always a drama around him. Everytime she came round he'd either given her a silent treatment.

Yep, yep and yep. Exactly the same with my friend. It really is heartbreaking to watch someone withdraw into themselves.

You know what you need to do about your own dilemma.

longwayoff · 30/08/2023 15:39

Oh blueturtle, I'm sorry to read that. Please take care of yourself before him. No one else will. Good luck.

foxlover47 · 02/09/2023 23:27

@Blueturtle15 oh god , are you ok ? I'm so sorry to hear that , I can't imagine it was easy to find out :(
Your friends experience sounds so so similar , I think it's done now I found out he's back on the dating sites on Thursday and he's ghosted me since I told him I knew
I hope you're ok

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Blueturtle15 · 04/09/2023 08:31

I'm OK but sad and struggling to make a clear choice. I'm so sorry. Sadly they are all the same. Attention. Drugs and money issues. How are you? They tend to ghost because they stick their head in the sand rather than face life x

longwayoff · 04/09/2023 11:41

Losrs and users both of them, ladies. Move on, good luck, be careful in future.

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