Betrayed after 12 years

[JustMe829]

We both stopped smoking 12 years ago, or so I thought. Five years ago I caught him and he confessed he’d been occasionally smoking, maybe a 20 pack a week. He swore it was over but for the last while I’ve smelled it off his clothes. Today, I happened to look out the front window and saw him returning after walking the dog. He opened the car boot for no reason - that’s how I caught him 5 years ago, hiding his cigarettes under the spare wheel. Then today, he shut the boot and I saw him spitting out gum in the neighbour’s garden! I confronted him, he denied it, I pushed, he denied it, I said I could smell it, not to treat me like a fool and to tell the truth. I basically had to treat him like a school kid. He said he’d been continually smoking, maybe a pack a week. He’s lied so much for so long, I’m sure he’s wasting a lot more money than a pack a week, plus he’s putting his health at risk and we can’t honestly buy any insurance products as non smokers! Added to that I’ve spent the last three years fighting off breast cancer and have just found another lump. I want to thump the living shit out of him. Need advice/suggestions/opinions. Four kids in the mix aged 5-11.

Christ, I thought this was the place to come if you wanted some support. Clearly, I was wrong. I have no one to turn to - no one. My mum, dad, big sister, best friend and closest cousin are all dead. My cousin just died at the beginning of July from cancer. I have absolutely no one left and this message board was my last resort. I must be fucking invisible. Thanks for nothing, you shower of gossips. I guess my pain isn't juicy enough for you all.

Wtf? Have you had a load of abusive comments deleted? What’s going on!?

hUH?

With all your bereavements and your current cancer scare, it's kind of understandable that you're very angry. I've got to say, though, this is hardly likely to make strangers feel like putting effort into supporting you, is it?

I wonder if you gave your husband any space to tell you why he's restarted the cigarettes. Sounds like you might be a tiny bit stressful to live with.

I think it's that OP didn't get any responses @Babadook76

It would be a deal breaker for me. When dh and I met at 25, he'd just given up smoking and wasn't sure he was going to keep at it. I told him I couldn't be with a smoker and he's not smoked since (20 years later)

I had a friend growing up whose df used to sneak around smoking because the DW didn't like it.

My dh has started smoking again after 10 years, so I feel your anger/pain.
I don't smoke and never have, so I can't see how puffing on a cigar/cigarette can make everything good in the world.
Nothing I can say will make him give up, he has to do it because he wants to.
I am not shy in telling him he stinks though and I will continue to let him know I don't like it. I do not kiss, hug him or anything more, so abhorrent do I find the stench.
He's made his choice though 🤷🏻

I’m just seeing this now, @JustMe829

I’m so sorry about your cancer. I wish cancer got cancer and died. I’m pulling for you - when do you go to the doctor?

As for your husband, quitting smoking is monumentally hard for some people. But he definitely should’ve been honest with you instead of lying about it. I’m guessing he was ashamed of himself.

If you need to pass those insurance urine tests, there’s drinks you can buy on Amazon that will flush & cleanse your system - the catch is you CAN’T SMOKE for however many days until the the insurance person comes to your home for your interview. Not even one tiny little puff.

You’re in my heart - try to concentrate on yourself because you’re the most important person in this conversation.
Try not to forget that. ❤️

Instead of lying to you he should have been honest and said he doesn’t want to quit. You can’t force him too. I know you have cancer and so you think that should be enough to make him stop but that isn’t how it works.

You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do .

There's a lot to be said for keeping a cigarrette addiction a secret as that puts a huge limit on how much one can smoke. You would have done better to have left him to his secret.

If you were a smoker yourself, I don't know why you don't understand how very, very much that addiction takes hold of one.

Sorry to hear about your cancer and the new breast lump.
The cigarette thing is a handy distraction but you'd probably be better served by pulling together rather than pushing him away. Unless he was useless last time round as well.

What's he like outside of the smoking?

you sound very controlling.

This post has literally just appeared on my feed..

I think you need counselling. You have so much that has happened to you, this is the straw that's broken the camels back. I really do hope you're okay, cancer just needs to do one.

I kind of get the feeling it's more the being lied to that's upset you more than anything? Trust me, I have been in this situation but I actually played the part of your husband. Ultimately it was embarrassment for me that made me ashamed. My DP is also an ex-smoker and to be honest wasn't the greatest supporter of my attempts to quit - more like "well I did it so you should be able to". When he found out, we had a massive blow-up but resolved it pretty quickly by literally just talking it out. It was the dishonesty that upset him more than anything, but I was so embarrassed and upset that I just couldn't kick the habit so I hid the habit. Ultimately, he's gonna have to want to quit to be able to quit. I'm now smoke-free but because I wanted to be and made use of all the support available. And my partner dropped the condescending attitude and actually supported me!

Big hugs OP, hopefully it all works out for you.

stop controlling him . you sound abusive, dont blame him for lying

sorry but this is not your business. You can't force someone to stop smoking.

Not everyone sees posts with no comments. I only see the most popular posts in AIBU.

I'm sorry OP. He's a liar and it's disgusting.

@Fooksticks yes, dealbreaker, I agree. We both decided to quit 12 years ago… turns out he didn’t. You’ve been lucky.

@cryinglaughing I’m sorry you’re in a similar situation. No kisses or hugs is extreme though, isn’t it? Human touch is essential to a loving relationship. They don’t choose to smoke; they’re addicted. What they can choose is to address the addiction. Mine just wants to bury his head in the sand.

@DreamTheMoors Thank you for your lovely reply. I’m seeing the surgeon at the beginning of August. Thanks for your advice, had no idea. Trouble is, if an insurance company saw proof, e.g. cig in hand on FB photo, they wouldn’t pay out. No point lying; CCTV everywhere, etc. Big hugs to you ❤️

@RLmadmum Thank you so much, your reply resonates. The problem we have is he won’t talk it out. He’s always like this over the least confrontation with me, family or friends. Thanks for your empathy. Congratulations for packing it in ❤️

@ArcticSkewer Thank you. It’s hard to pull together when you’ve had cancer, may have it again, and your life partner is hellbent on contracting it himself. Plus, he stinks, he’s a liar and a bad example for the kids.

@Eve171 Thank you for your empathy ❤️

@biscuits777 Everyone considers him a nice guy. Works very hard. But very quiet, finds it hard to make friends.

@Whattodowithit88 I can make him choose between his addiction and his home and family. I’d rather find a healthy support network for me and the kids than rely on a lying addict who might end up with cancer.

@Coyoacan So he can secretly contract lung cancer and die? Of course I understand the addiction. Do you understand his responsibility to his own life and to that of his children?

@Thirdsummerofourdiscontent Damn straight. I reserve the right to control not having lying addicts close to my kids.

@carrotcakebae Get back under your bridge, troll.

@jolaylasofia I and my kids are currently living with an addict and a liar – it is very much my business. He’s my partner of 35 years, the father of our 4 children. If he dies, we’re bereft. His life insurance is void. You are an idiot.

@GarlicGrace See how living with breast cancer, 3 operations totalling 28 hours on the operating table, a mastectomy and mothering 4 kids suits you. Top it with discovering your partner of 35 years has been lying to you for 12 of them about his addiction. Then shove your judgmental attitude up whichever orifice is big enough to house it.

Someone who doesn’t smoke and drink can also end up with cancer and many have! There is never any certainly. I understand you’re angry but it’s irrational to make someone do something because it’s what you deem is what should be done. He obviously doesn’t want to quit. He shouldn’t have lied but from your responses it sounds like he lied for less ear ache rather than because he wanted to lie.

Im not trying to pile on, your going through enough but I think sometimes when we get hurt we respond quickly and it’s not always rational.

Thanks for nothing, you shower of gossips. I guess my pain isn't juicy enough for you all.

With all your bereavements and your current cancer scare, it's kind of understandable that you're very angry. I've got to say, though, this is hardly likely to make strangers feel like putting effort into supporting you, is it?

I stand by that. You're beating me hands-down on judgemental attitude but, after shoving mine in the recommended place, I'm out of here.