He's back on it after all this time

[SoDifferentNow]

Too long, won't read: ex is back on booze, we could lose everything - complex family situation, new girlfriend involved for Ex. WWYD?
Have NC'd for this. My ExDH ( separated for 3 years) is now living with his girlfriend fairly near by. We have 3 DC, 18, 16 & 14 ( boy, boy, girl). I have always done all the caring / raising of my DC, they all still live with me. EXDH and I have had a calm, friendly relationship all this time but it is after many years of his mental health crises and addiction recovery ( mostly alcohol) oh his part.
Apart from falling off the wagon here and there ( zero tolerance approach from me every time - it was us or the booze) he has managed to stay tea-total for many years.
Last night my DC went to their dad's for a pizza and to see his new place / meet his girlfriend. He is openly drinking again. I have no idea how much his girlfriend knows about his past. She is a drinker ( gin by the looks of it). They gave my 16 yr old DS a shandy and my 14 yr old girl gin and lemonade, i suspect to embroil them in collusion so they wouldn't say anything. My 18 yr old refused.
Because 2 of my DC have extra needs, I was a SAHM ( mostly) for a long time - having returned to full time work 3 years ago. I am co-director of mine and my husbands business though and, as such, our house finances are still very entwined and reliant on his much bigger earning potential with the business. It is true to say that EXDH would never have achieved what he has with the business without my strong support for his mental health and addiction problems ( his own brother is in a home for people with alcoholic dementia, his mum and sister both have significant alcohol problems), I have given everything to keep my husband well and my home a stable environment all these years. When we split, it was incredibly amicable and we have remained really friendly through it all. I am sick to my stomach with the knowledge of EXDH's inevitable spiral into alcohol abuse and mental health problems ( it is the pattern he always follows - I have lived it a number of time). It will destroy the DC's relationship with him ( he is not the most able father at the best of times - present but not emotionally so, selfish with his time and insensitive to how this upsets them ( particularly our DD 14). It will also see us lose our home ( large-ish mortgage still that I don't have the earning potential to support. The trouble is, one of our DC's is physically disabled and needs the care suite and adaptations to the house that we have created through the years, so moving house will be so difficult - it took us two years to find an appropriate place for him to have everything he needed as he grew, he was 6 then he is 16 now and at a school just down the road that he can get to just in his electric wheelchair). I smelt the alcohol on the kids when they got home ( anyone else that has ever lived with an alcoholic will understand how fine-tuned your sense of smell becomes). They told me what had taken place. There's lots more to this ( I have suspected he was back on the booze because of familiar behaviours here and there) but I don't know how best to handle this in our new position as ex's when he has someone else in his life. My kids and I could lose everything. I will cope whatever, I am strong, but it could really fuck things up for us.
What would you do?

Apologies for length of post but it is a nuanced situation. Thanks for reading.

Start separating your finances asap however complicated. He's an addict and can't be relied upon. Housing - universal credit? Council? Get proper legal advice asap. Even amicable as your relationship has been, you need those ties cut.

In an ideal world-
I would look for ways to disentangle myself from him on all levels. I would consider all possible ways of owning the house without his input. I would sort out counselling for my kids if you haven't already so they know that none of this is their fault.

But in reality I haven't a clue what I would do. I'm sorry you're in this situation though op. It sucks.

I might consider one message to the partner warning her of past experiences if you think there's a chance it would help her then I'd disengage from him as much as I possibly could. You can't help him. You know this.

This is almost exactly what I was going to say.

You need to be in a place where your ex's addictions don't affect every part of your life - kids, finances, housing.

Good luck.

There's not a lot you can do OP in terms of influencing him and his behaviour, now that you're separated and he appears to have an enabling new partner.

So, number one, I would think long and hard about how you can separate your financial situation from his asap. Get all the advice you can on this so you can make informed decisions. Make an appointment with a solicitor, check which benefits you will be entitled to as a divorced person with three dependent DC, one of whom is physically disabled, and get the ball rolling on a divorce. This should be relatively straightforward since you've been separated for 3 years already.

I agree with the others that financial separation is absolutely vital. It's absolutely no coincidence that he has chosen to be with someone who drinks. This gives him permission to drink.

I would be absolutely livid at him giving your children alcohol. I would be so furious that I wouldn't want them going there again. He has not got their best interests at heart.

I would be absolutely livid at him giving your children alcohol. I would be so furious that I wouldn't want them going there again. He has not got their best interests at heart.

Yes, I second this ^. Selfish fuckwit twatbadger!!

You might have an Al-Ateen group near you, OP, to support your children with the alcoholism side of things.
I’m sorry your hard work over the years to maintain stability and a safe home has come to this. If it’s any comfort you’ve got them through a huge proportion of their growth and development and hopefully they have a healthy, full “bucket” of values to help them through whatever happens next. You’ve done an amazing job.

@HairyFeline @cheezncrackers @determinedtomakethiswork @Motnight @User5653218 @SataumaMeddler
Thanks all, I really appreciate iate you reading through such a long one.
You're all right, I'll of course, I do now need to completely disentangle our finances. There's a whole load of difficulties that I could mention but it wouldn't change the fact that it is the right thing to do to protect myself and the kids for when it all goes horribly wrong.
I had hope to get the kids off to Uni before we split the finances, that way we could sell the house without it causing so much strife for the children, especially as it is a do-er upper that I have been working on for years. Still lots to get done before it's saleable.
I hadn't thought of counselling for the kids, not specifically alcohol related, I shall look into that.
Thank you all for being so supportive.

@cheezncrackers

Yes, I second this ^. Selfish fuckwit twatbadger!! 😂😂😂

Are you divorced already or just separated?

Both of my uncles were alcoholics (one dead at 47), and I lost my gramp at 60 due to heavy drinking. My poor cousins had horrific upbringings with mums who chose to stay for whatever reason.

He is never going to be someone you can rely on, and the downward spiral is going to happen sooner rather than later if he's back on the drink again. Given how my cousins have grown up, I'd also consider if exposing them to his addiction is the right thing. Contact may be doing more harm than good.

@User5653218
Just separated.

@Bluebells1970
Il appreciate your thoughts but ExDH has been stable since the kids were tiny. Not the most available of dad's but loves the kids to bits and they know it.
The DC's are nearly all grown now so he has kept it together well and been an excellent provider all these years ( with strong support from me).
It's more a problem of it all going to pot now. The DC's are old enough to decide if they want to remain in contact with their dad, at this point he is still functioning well. It's just that I know he won't be able to sustain it and it will all go pear shaped.