I have 2 children, have been with my husband 20 years since we were uni age our whole adult lives really, and he has always been someone that has issues with drink, drugs and partying but in our 20's to a degree I would join in, but its never been my thing.
Fast forward to having our children and hitting our 30s and 40s and and I believe he has addiction issues, and it varies in severity, very up and down. Currently he has taken up Vaping and its never out his month despsite me saying please not in front of the children and outside, these boundries have been ignored, its constant. We are in a financial crisis and he must be smoking 2 of the desposable vapes per day, plus beer and wine daily despite me pleading that he takes even one day off per week. He will open a beer earlier and earlier in the day but then waits for me to go to bed to continue, I find the empty bottles the next day & notice the bottles of wine that seem to dissapear. Always if confronted its anger or down played as normal and just his way to unwind, I am not normal because I don't like to drink much etc..
Things have been a lot worse in the past with staying out all night, lying and some stages bottles of whisky per week, so its been heavier, its been harder drugs (weed and coke) I think at its peak he just lies so I never really know the full extent but if I look can always find something in his pockets, bedside drawer, text messages from dealers etc.. He had he kind of job where its normalised, but I still think took it further than others.
I worry for his health, he doesn't look after himself physically, but also finances we are in a bad place right now (he has lost his job and was the main breadwinner, he is high functioning and was very succesfull) however I can't help but feel some of this stuff will have been a factor.
I think I am depressed, I am constantly trying to turn over a new leaf and change how I feel about things, and re -frame as not being worried, I feel like a nag and no fun, like I am the problem, from what I can tell he is not as bad as he was and has reason to be miserable as he is in a stressful situation currently (as am I we are about to lose our house) but even before this happened I spend so much of my time worried and sad by him. In periods when he stops drinking he is brilliant (always does dry January and this year managed longer due to a heath scare) but he has no intention of stopping, I asked with our marriage consillor if it was between me and the booze what would he choose, it wasn't me. He won't admit a problem (he has in the past). Its shopping as well, he hoards and "collects" stuff... its coming out of our ears and half of it not used or enjoyed, just seems to get a buzz from buying and posessing.
He hasn't cheated on me that I know of, but I feel like last year I caught the start, he has an ongoing text relationship with a woman, that when I was in bed he would sit up drinking and texting/calling at night and was arranging to meet up on nights out, its been down played as nothing and just friends but he found it hard to let it go after I found out, around that same time I caught him texting from a 2nd phone and setting up a 2nd instagram account, and sending dominatrix type women messages on instagram. Thats the behaviour that got us to a marriage counsillor and he was very sorry, now it gets down played as nothing happened, he didn't cheat and I am harping on and making a big thing of nothing.
He also made a big thing to me that our sex life wasn't exciting enough at this time, he wanted Dom style sex apparently, something I tried with but I feel very uncomforatble with and felt pushed into, and now very self concious that sex with me is boring. When he asked what I would like, I would like him to look after himself better and to feel more loved and secure.
We will probably have to sell our house, and I am just wondering really if starting again together some where else is just keeping going for the sake of it, but the real issue is his behaviour is a real source of unhappiness for me, and ultimatley its accepting I live with an addict or maybe there is more to life. I do love him we have been together so long, I don't want my kids to be from a broken home, divorce damaged me as a child, but when is enough enough. I am miserable and what still astounds me is what a hold he has over my emotions, when he is good I feel good, but the addiction what ever it is at the time always comes first I can see that, I ask and ask things of him, like please sit with me at and the children at breakfast but he stands at the backdoor vaping and drinking his coffee because that what he wants to do, I find him selfish. The constant lying I THINK has got better its one of the things we worked on in therapy but it is hard to trust.
Sorry this is a long one, I don't really know what to do, its been years and years, I guess I am just fed up with feeling unhappy I wonder if I should just go on antidepressants (again) and ignore his shortcomings and try and focus on the good bits and myself and the children, but it really eats me up. Trust and Drinking is very much tangled up for me at this point. When he stops drinking he is motivated and when he drinks far more lazy.
I don't know if I am the problem, or I am blowing things out of proportion I don't like a drink so I don't see why it has to be every day. The vaping bugs me, but its better than fags, but its ALL the time, its never out his mouth, it really worries me and any mention even gentle is pure rage back, so he feels judged and resentful and defensive all the time. We are not being affectionate with each other at the mo, it feels forced, back when we didn't have money problems he would do what he wanted even if that meant upsetting me, then just bought presents or made it ip to me with something afterwards, it was easy to let that placate me even though I could see through it and would rather he changed his ways, when there was money there was fun bits too that came with that so I would try to justify the sad feeling and focus on the fun stuff. I feel so sad such a lot of the time and Like I am putting on a brave face in public and for the children. I just can't see him changing so either I change how I feel and get on with it or I destroy the family and walk away.