It has been 9 days since I found out my partner of 5 years is a cocaine addict and has been hiding it for the entire relationship.
It all came to a head when he got arrested on my birthday weekend (he was driving under the influence and I had no fucking clue). The shock over it all was immense and it getting to the point now where reality is catching up with me.
For some context, we have been together 5 Years, have a child each who love each other like sisters and have just all bought a house together 6 months ago. We have had a wonderful relationship up to this point, very much each others best friends (or so I was made to believe) and our life to date has been wonderful. So many beautiful memories I have lost count. Very much thought we were in it for life, marriage on the cards, the lot.
Then this happened. He explained that he was an addict before he met me and he hid it for the entire relationship. Nobody else knew, apart from his dealer and he’s tried multiple times to come off it without success for any longer than a couple of weeks at a time. The hit of the financial impact has been so sore for me to take. He. Was spending on average about 300 per week, and I have also this week found out that he has dipped in to our personal savings to feed his habit, and not paid on to the joint account since the beginning of December.
For a few months, I have been unhappy but couldn’t quite put my finger as to why. He has been depressed, stressed, over tired, never home, always working late all down to what I thought was pressure from work and the general house housing stress, and what I also thought was his adhd getting worse (now I’m finally starting to understand that he never had adhd in the first place - his personality on drugs is all I’ve ever known). Im coming to terms with this all making sense, there has been so many realisations I’ve had to deal with this week and it’s all been too much for me to cope with.
I am an ex addict myself (tramadol), have been clean for many many years and he knows everything about my past I have pretty much unveiled everything to this man. I have never lied to him, not even a white lie, and he knew I had trust issues when I came in to the relationship due to my past. I had begged him so many times never to lie to me and he knows that he’s truths I can take and respect over a white lie any day. He knows this. I cannot understand why on watch he never came to me about all this I feel sick to my stomach and torn in two directions knowing that he had been through this all alone, and that he continued to lie daily over something he knew I would completely understand.
Since his arrest he has been giving it 110% addressing his depression, coming out to family and friends, trying to make amends. He felt suicidal last week and devastated over what he had done to myself, our kids and his parents. He has told his boss and getting support at work. He has had his bloods, physical check, referred himself for drug counselling and has been to mental health suppprt groups.
I can’t believe how different he looks already and i feel so awful for even thinking this but as he is getting his body and state of mind back and getting all this help I can just feel myself withering away after having the life I believed I had ripped from underneath my feet. I am heartbroken beyond belief that he could hurt me so much, the one person I learned to trust with my life.
I know that people on here have been through similar, please can anyone offer me some words of comfort because I am blinded by this pain and the confusion, the anger and the shock of it all is just too much for me to bear.