Hello
Firstly I don’t really know what I want from this post other than just writing something down and venting.
I am absolutely exhausted both physically and mentally
my partner and I have been together 15 years. He spent some time in prison and we stayed together, he had drug issues when he came home and ended up back in prison during covid where we didn’t see each other for 2.5 years. He came home and has beaten one addiction but found another (although not as serious as the first it is effecting me more)
we are finally in a place where he’s acknowledged his drug problem and is starting to lower his dose (he has to for safety reasons rather than just cutting off)
some days I can see he is really trying but others I still see him falling asleep, slurry, confused and unbalanced over the simple tasks which has previously been a sign of using. He strongly Opposes any use when I confront him and says it’s tiredness from working.
never in my life have I seen someone so tired they fall asleep mid sentence or while rolling a cigarette.
I work two full time jobs and am up 22 hours a day sometimes and never have that reaction to tiredness
he has no family other than me. We have no children although I desperately want them but of course can’t because of obvious reasons.
I love him to death but I don’t know what else to do. He has in family no stable job due to the nature of his work no where to go. I don’t want to give up
our home is a mess constantly and we currently have no heating or hot water. I’m too embarrassed to call a plumber until I can tidy up but it never seems to happen. I know this is silly but It’s so embarrassing (just lots of things and clutter about with no Homes and piled up washing due to no heating)
I need help for my own well-being and mental health more than anything. I know the obvious answers here are walk away but it’s not that simple. If it was it would have already happened
How can I get on top of things and stop being so paranoid about every behaviour that triggers a reaction in me? It sounds very dramatic but it’s like ptsd from seeing him addicted for so long I can’t separate anything from those previous behaviours when I see a similarity
there Is also a lot of debt that isn’t getting paid off due to high interest rates and I can’t refinance due to the amount of debt I have. If I could refinance I would save £1000 a month but this seems impossible to get a like for like balance swap these days
if anyone reads this thank you and sorry for the ramble. This has been building for months and I just needed to write it down