I was not sure where to post really, but just wanted to chat to others who may have been faced with a similar situation.
My dd began dating her bf, who is 19, around 6 months ago, and quite soon it was clear to me that he does unfortunately have quite a few issues that he most likely should be seeking help with.
I do know that my dd trauma bonded with him and she too had been through some MH issues, but had been seeing a therapist and seemed to be doing better than she had in a while. Until she met him that is.
Although I didn't see them together that much, it was very clear he was not treating her well generally. Screaming at her for no reason amongst other things, but also constantly loaning money.
My dd is very wise with money and always has been so this is when the alarm bells started ringing badly when she wasn't able to manage with the money she had, all of a sudden it was going missing and just out of character things like this.
So, after me getting her home and sitting her down and having a proper talk, she admitted that he has a very bad gambling problem. So much so that he has gambled away his tuition fees plus extras needed for accommodation etc going forward into the new year. I have no idea why his parents (who it would seem know about it) have given him access to a lump sum, but now it's all gone. He has lost high number hundreds in the last few weeks alone .
Firstly I was quite taken back that a teenager could be this addicted in such a short time, as the legal age is 18 and so he's only been able to get into casinos (this is what he seems to prefer) for just over a year. But I know that if there is a will there is a way.
I don't know what I am asking in all honesty, I think perhaps I'm just quite surprised by the addiction, it's not something we have faced before.
He has been really mean to dd and according to her they are still dating, but on a break. She knows he is no good for her and she knows she has no future with him, but she says she cannot understand why she keeps giving in to this pull to keep returning. I know the more I push against him, the more she will push against me.
He has stolen so much from her too, her earpods she saved for months to buy, clothing, cash, forced her to transfer money to his account with a promise to pay it back. He has not paid back a penny of it to date.
Then I found myself wondering, how does a teenager that had become so addicted so fast, turn himself around? He knows he has a problem, but seems to think it will sort itself out. I know it won't. Dd knows it won't.
I'm writing a novel now. I will support my dd and try my very best to help her ease herself away from him, as that is all I can do really. She has actually suffered because of him as I was giving her a small amount of spending money, which I have stopped now, as I know where it will be going. So she is going without. If they eat out, he makes her order a meal and he eats half, then pays her his half, so she doesn't even get to have a full meal when she is with him. But it's all OK in his eyes because he paid his half....
I think I also needed to get this off my chest, hence me posting. It's like a triple whammy, my dd meeting someone who is being abusive, plus he has some serious addiction issues (he smoked cannabis and sometimes does cocoaine) , and she is in a trauma bond.
It just feels a lot to deal with and to be supportive in the right way.
Anyone have any wise words for me, or is this just a time thing....?