DH codiene addiction

[MakkaPakkas]

DH has ended up with a bit of an addiction to neurogen plus (taking 8-10 a day). He'd had this problem before and has slipped back into old ways. I could see he was doing it, I've been seeing huge packs of them lying slightly hidden (I've not been snooping but they're just rammed up behind his computer, in the bin etc) since at least January and I've been worrying about him. His job is very stressful, he runs a small company and its been on the edge of going bust now for a while.
First I was waiting for him to talk to me about it. Then I was waiting for a 'good' time to mention it & ask how to help. I finally broached the subject a couple of weeks ago and he's decided to come off them. Last time he stopped dead, and told me it was fine. He now says it was awful and so he's tapering. It's been 3 weeks and he's now on his 4th pill free day.
I'm just posting in here as it's not something he'd like to be known amongst our friends and family so my usual support network is unavailable. Anyone else supported a partner though this sort of thing?
I'm sympathetic and I love him and he is a great husband and dad, but also I'm really annoyed that I've been having to pick up the slack all summer as well as listen to him whinging about it and that I've had to spend so much time worrying about him.

Codeine is an opiate and potentially just as addictive as any other opiate. I can understand that it has been hard for you to deal with this, but you knew about it, he was making next to no effort to hide it, and you did nothing for six+ months. I don't think I could ignore the stress and pain of someone I love, whose livelihood is under threat (and alongside that my families income as well?) turning to a drug - legal or not - and just wait several months for them to mention it.

Honestly, if he can be convinced to speak to his GP or to a drugs counselling service, I think that would be immensely helpful for him, and then you won't have to hear him "whinging about it". It's sad that you had to pick up the slack whilst he became addicted to a drug to get him through the day whilst his business was struggling to survive. With some proper help you won't have to do that either.

@Quveas I can see how I come off uncaring in my post. I just need to let off steam and I am worried about him.
I don't think he'll go to the doctor's (I have suggested it) but he is doing well so far with just me for support.

I think he needs professional help. I remember coming off codeine, it was awful, and I hadn't been taking it that long. I felt extremely agitated and anxious.

@HotPenguin what sort of thing would have helped you from a partner? I'm going down the road of distracting him, making sure he's got good food & plenty of coffee. Chats when the kids are out of the way.
I totally believe in his ability to stay off it, he's a very capable person.

I'm sorry but believing in his ability to stay off it - or some replacement- is delusional, and I mean that in the best possible way. Once an addict, always an addict. He will always be managing addiction even if he never ever touches any drug again. And as you've discovered, there are enough legal options available (including alcohol) even if he never ends up on a street corner. Every addict really means that they'll never touch "it" again. He's already twice down this road. You have no reason to trust there wont be a third, fourth and fifth time.

If you really mean that you want to help, then he needs to hear the truth and how you feel. Honestly and brutally. You need to stop ignoring the telltale signs and confront him. You have to stop playing the game on his terms. And, because he's an addict, he needs to understand how far you can go before you break. If he loves you too, that will hurt. That hurt is good. He has to want you and the kids MORE than anything. Then you can insist he gets help. There are professionals. You aren't one and you need your own help as the partner of an addict.

And quite separately from that you both need to look at employment, the business and prospects. Because stressors don't disappear. And addictive personalities seek relief when stressed, and that doesn't mean table tennis.

Support doesn't mean ignoring it, or playing into it. Tough, but balanced, love.

Well, at the moment he's not had any for nearly a week and I'm wondering how to help him with the depression he's feeling. And how long it might go on for?

I get depression myself and really I just have to look after myself as much as possible and wait for it to pass. I'm thinking this will be the same for him except there's an easy way out (codiene) so want to support him to live through this bad bit without it.

He is honestly not an addictive personality, he's 50 this year and has never had another addiction (aside from coffee/caffeine, which most of the world's population live with) and he's had stressors and access to addictive things throughout life. He's really a great person, far more competent than I am.

Re the financial job situation, that will be fine. If the business fails it will be psychologically bad, but it won't sink us financially and DC house etc will be fine.

Are you an addict/spouse of addict @Quveas ?

Op your husband will find help at a narcotics anonymous meeting. There will be others there who have experienced the same thing.

"Once an addict always an addict" is absolute crap and is not supported by evidence. Infact, addiction is the mental illness with the highest recovery rate.

OP, it's your call if you do or don't want to stand by him. If you do, the kindest thing you can do is to support him to get help from somewhere that allows him to understand the function of the opiate so he can find an alternative. Until he's worked that bit out, he's likely to keep relapsing.

Lots of substance use services will have support services for partners. Have a look at what your nearest service offers to make sure you have what you need to support him

Oh and OP you can reassure him it's normal to feel really crap in the days following achieving abstinence. The taper was absolutely the right thing to do, but at this point he will be depleated in various feel good neurotransmitters which will make him feel physically low. Time, rest and alternative activity will help get through it.

Others have suggested NA. Some people love it, others don't. There are alternatives such as smart recovery or individual therapy via your local addiction service. Recovery is never a one size fits all approach

I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself here. This isn't his first rodeo, and chances are that it won't be his last. He may just be hiding whatever he's taking from you because he knows that you know..........

I'd insist he engages with professionals over this, because whatever he did last time didn't work long term. All the paths that led him to addiction are still very much present, and he needs to learn entirely different coping mechanisms. The chances of him doing so alone? Slim to none, being brutal.

Once an addict always an addict" is absolute crap and is not supported by evidence

I thought that meant that it is treatable, but abstinence is necessary as once addicted to drugs or alcohol social using or drinking is no longer possible.

I've been through this with my ex. It has not ended well at all. Id be saying you get professional help immediately or pay for private help and ensure he gets drugs tests or he leaves. Please, please, please listen to me. It ruined my life, my children's lives and his life is now in the toilet. No access to the children, in prison and its progressed to a heroin addiction. Go hard with this, no "I can do it myself" shit because they can't. I've been through that many times.

@Andante57 "once and addict..." is a myth perpetuated by people who favour a disease model of addiction, which is pretty well rejected by most people who work in the field. Imagine how depressing, disempowering and demotivating it must be to be told you are going to be an "addict" till the day you die?!

Many people do move past the "addict" state of mind (and I use that word only as it's in the thread. It's loaded with judgment and horribly stigmatising).

That's interesting @Restlessinthenorth . Maybe it would be more correct to say he's developed a dependency on it.

Many people do move past the "addict" state of mind (and I use that word only as it's in the thread. It's loaded with judgment and horribly stigmatising

Thats interesting. Admittedly my information is from some years back, but is current thinking that those dependant on drink and drugs can use socially again?
I have to say, it hasn’t ended well for those alcoholics I’ve known who’ve done that.

Some people do go on to be able to use socially. Many don't but it doesn't mean they remain in addict state of mind. It's like cutting out sugar....early days you need to be very vigilant and hyper alert to avoiding when experiencing cravings etc. once you've developed alternative patterns of behaviour it's just normal to not focus on it without having to have it at the font of your mind. Neurologically, it's about laying down new pathways for new behaviours and letting the old ones die off.

The key is always understanding what you are getting out of using and find a different, less problematic alternative. Often means dealing with underlying trauma

Its different for everyone depending on how many they were taking and for how long. If he really was only taking the amount he says and not for long, then any depression related directly to withdrawal shouldn't last too long.
However its often the case that codeine was masking pre existing depression (its very effective at dulling all types of pain) and when you stop taking it you start to feel again.

Is this thread still open guys for advice ? Thanks

Well its popped up on notifications so some of us who were on here before will see your post.

Thank you for replying…..I just wanted some advice and didn’t know where to turn …..might not be the right place so sorry if it’s not. I’ve been taking co codamol, codeine for 4 years since almost losing my daughter, she’s fine now but I think it left me so anxious and these really lifted my mood…..it just spiralled from then, trouble with my partners drinking and aggression (he’s much better now so I’m not blaming anyone else)….. anyhow over time I’ve needed to take more and more to feel normal, not even for that same warm euphoric feeling anymore and that’s what’s so bad. I’m totally disgusted at myself and so ashamed to say I’ve very recently started to struggle facing people even in work so I tried cocaine….I’ve been using it for a few months now and am starting to feel like I need it to have confidence, I know it sounds ridiculous and I know I have to stop it all I just don’t know where to start and feel so on my own ….sorry for long post

I can only really speak about codeine, and my advice there would be to start a tapering plan ASAP. If you Google it there are loads of examples, but basically you reduce by one tablet a day and hold that for 3 days, then reduce another and hold again. It takes a while but its very effective and avoids withdrawals.
As you've stated cocaine as well your overall situation may be a bit too complex to fully self manage, so I'd suggest you get some support from a substance use charity. Again, Google the options.
On top of the practical stuff, at some point you will need to deal with the issues that led to it too. Codeine masks emotional pain and you will need support to manage that in future without it.

Thank you so much …..your right it’s the underlying stuff that scares me….It’s coping without it to rely on for normal life problems…but I’m going to do this and stop making excuses to “do it later”….. I let it get to this so I now need to face life without being on it or worse the cocaine. To be fair I feel I really can drop the cocaine, it’s the codeine that worries me more …..I’m going to look for a local meeting and build myself up to go to it x thanks again appreciate the reply

If you can bring yourself to, it might be a good idea to tell your GP you've developed a cocodomol dependency, its very common snd you can say you started it for headaches and found yourself taking it every day. Tell them you want to taper and ask for codeine phosphate on prescription. This is because with OTC codeine, you'll be taking in a lot of paracetamol (or ibuprofen if you take nurofen plus) both of which are really harmful to your liver and stomach in excess. Codeine alone from the GP is safer.
As for coping without it, I won't lie, if your problems are still there they will come back sharply without the edge taken off and you may be very vulnerable to relapse or cross addiction, such as drinking too much. You can prepare for it though. Partly by trying to tackle the underlying issues, but also by bringing in some healthy alternatives. Eating really cleanly, excercise and vitamins are (boring!) but really helpful. Take vit D, magnesium and B12 as all might be on the low side.
I wish you all the best and if you want to drop by for moral support I'll come on here and respond.

Thank you so much, and you’re right I should speak to the doctor. I did try a few months back , I only got so far and lost the courage, I just told him how low I’m feeling and he put me on a low dose anti depressant. I wish I’d have been completely honest back then….he didn’t ask if I was taking any medication so I just thought I may feel better with these and not want the co codamol but it’s not worked like that …..I can’t believe I’ve let it get this bad I really can’t. Today I’m really trying, I’ve had 2 30/500mg strength , normally I’d have taken 6 by now so that’s a start ….but I have to keep with it now no going back. I’m going to just get the codeine and not get anymore co codamol ….it’s been too easy to get with family giving them to me and I’ve also bought them wherever I can (awful I know) I can’t believe what desperation has had me doing. I really need to get out of this I’ve just got to stick to it…..there’s always an excuse why I’m putting it off but I’m not making anymore excuses, I’ve got children I need to be healthy and happy for. Thanks again for your reply I do appreciate it.

Its a very easy addiction to develop. Lots of people who start codeine based painkillers for headaches end up dependent and taking more and more. Its also very easy to keep it up and hide it so there isn't always the incentive to stop you get with other addictions.
Its great you've made a start this morning but from 6 to 2 is a big drop all at once. Its easier to avoid the withdrawals (which will have you running back because you will feel so rotton) if you go very very slowly.
So, if you'd normally have 24 in a day, say, go to 23 for 3 days, then 22 and so on.
You can work out how long it will be for you to be free of them and have that as a target date. It will seem very far away, but honestly being patient is the best way to succeed.