Enabling

[dogcheck]

How do you convince a family member to stop enabling? They are even buying (and paying for) the alcohol! We are constantly made to feel guilty for letting loved one die - we simply can't get through to this person that supplying alcohol to someone with severe dependency issues is the wrong thing to do.

If my parents are anything to go by, I’m afraid you can’t do much. It doesn’t make sense to the rest of us but it is a common dynamic in co dependent relationships. The power of the enabling behaviour in my experience outweighs all the logical reasons not to do it so it carries on happening. Sorry if that’s not very helpful! It’s heartbreaking to watch, I know.

It feels like we are dealing with 2 people with no ability to control their actions, I understand the alcohol dependency but the enabler I expect so much more of - this is severely impacting them too! How can they expect someone to give up alcohol when they can't give up enabling? So alcohol-dependent relative phoned up the enabler crying that they had no alcohol, enabler found it too upsetting and so brought some around. I mean what the actual fuck is that all about - they call it empathy, I call it weak. And then there's all the dysfunctional behaviour around trying to pretend this isn't happening - what would happen if people found out - well if they die, there will be no hiding it, the drinker says they'll die of shame if people find out. We've already had a suicide attempt - which the enabler tried to hide out of shame. And now when they could do with being committed because they literally are drinking themselves witless - we have no evidence of past attempts. I'm so angry - angry that the enabler is fucking this up, angry that we are being judged as uncaring because we refused to enable, angry because this is not going to end well. I know a few people who drink heavily but are functional - there is not functioning here - there's no working, there's drinking and driving, there's staying all day in bed drunk...so much despair.

I really empathise and can relate to your anger and disbelief. I recommend Al-Anon which is for people affected by alcoholics.