We just can't cope with his addiction anymore

[Bettyboopawoop]

I apologise in advance as this is going to be long. Our son has addictions you name it he's had it, Since around the age of 15 he started suffering anxiety, very very bright lad, but then he started smoking pot.
Anyway we noticed his room was an absolute hovel and he refused to clean it up it got worst and worst, his behaviour started escalating, he started self harming, he was very difficult to talk too, totally closed off.

One day he was brought home by the police he'd been out smoking pot and on too of a jewelers roof, then he finished school went into college it diddnt last he didn't want to do anything, he got to the age of 19 came downstairs went absolutely ballastic smashing the house up throwing TV and throwing a games machine at his father's head we had him arrested, when he got out we said you have one more chance to change your ways if you don't you will have to leave home.

A few days later he came downstairs in front of the children with a razor saying he was going to slit his throat, we phoned the police who sectioned him and we threw him out we could not let our children wittness that

We totally gutted his room found loads of pulls, bottles of laughing gas, needles ect, he moved into a place where they had staff and I would go see him but he would be so abusive and aggressive I became frightened of him, he was taking cocaine and goodness knows what else.

He came to our house tried booting the doors in started slashing his arms in front of the other children another time can round smashed the windows in and verbally abusive for months on end this was a traumatic time for us, he would get sectioned then ring me up and tell me he was at a certain place and was going to kill himself I phoned the ward they said he's just walking down the corridor yet he had told me he was already out, the same night phoned me up to ask me why had I not picked him up and given him a lift!!!!

Anyway he's been sectioned a good few times due to his drug use and will blame anyone but himself this has now gone on for a good few years. He threatened to slash his dad's throat after abusing Xanax.

During all this we list my mum, my partner's mum, my aunt and our very close family friend as well as having a younger son who is on the spectrum and has constant meltdowns.

Anyway that's about half of the story, he ended up living quite far away from here started shoplifting ect, but we spoke over the phone and he wasn't abusive it seemed to settle.

Around a month ago he got in touch told us he was going on the straight and narrow had moved out the building he was in away from all the other addicts and was making a fresh start.

Sadly we believed it I found him a flat sorted out bits and bobs fir it, sorted him out a fridge for his Christmas as well as other bits I have for him he has now started being verbally abusive again and threatening to come round to our house, he's been getting coidene off the doctor and other stuff, I just can't do it anymore not so long back I ended up in hospital really ill and now have graves diease and an overactive thyroid I had been neglecting myself due too all the stress and his father is I'll too, we just can't cope with it anymore we really thought we had turned a corner and now we are back to square one yesterday he was threatening to come round in a menacing way, I can't let my kids go through this again and he lives closer now I wish I hadn't even believed him believed that he had changed I am sick if it.

Do we just totally cut him out if our lives now? I don't want to end up back in hospital and his dad us getting mentally unwell with it all but we can't carry on like this.

Sorry it's long I just needed to get it all off my chest.

Just too add on as well he used to constantly threaten to kill himself, sometimes he would try, once he walked into a shop told them there was going to be a fight in the park and someone was going to get stabbed then he proceeded to try and hang hi self, then very often will tell me that men with his condition have a 1 in 5 chance of dying with suscide he tells me this constantly. The amount of times he has films me he us going to kill himself is unreal

Have you had any support as the family of an addict? Nar Anon UK would be a good place to start.

In answer to your question, yes, I think you do cut him out of your lives for now. Explain that you will always love him but you can't have contact with him whilst he's still actively an addict, whilst he is abusive and making threats. You will not answer his calls, or answer the door, and if the police or hospital phone you about him, you will not respond. And mean it. I'd suggest you will be willing to resume contact when his sponsor or a drugs counsellor can affirm to you that he has been sober for over a year, that he is engaging with an addiction management programme and he is truly remorseful for what he has done to you.

Nar Anon and Al Anon call this detach with love. You truly cannot help him. I hope one day he will help himself.

Hi we have had no support as a family although I did start accessing some zoom meetings but then I became ill and everything went out the window but I will certainly look into Nar anon Thank you. You have given some good advice so thanks once again.

It's a very sad situation but you need to take of your health so you can take care of and protect your other children. Nothing you can do at present will help him. I have watched one of my mother's friends go through this. It was dreadfully abusive and didn't end (she died). Step away with love.

How horribly sad for you.

I hope you don't mind me asking...what was it like when he was growing up?

You have other children I know but from his perspective what was it like when he was little?

Are there other extended family members around...aunts, uncles, etc?

Have you ever had time with him recently when he is not using? Or is he using pretty much constantly?

He was hard work when growing up, he did receive a diagnose of aspbergers not so long ago, he was always very difficult too talk too, he cannot get anyone elses point of view, he does not want to do anything to help himself, I've begged him to take up a hobby or volunteer in a charity shop or something to occupy his mind but he won't, he just sits around all day getting drunk or drugged up. Most times he's drunk, when he's sober he's not abusive. It's hard because I grew up with my father having mental health but watched him beating the crap out of my mother in the name of mental health and my son knows this.

He had a couple of weeks without abusing drugs recently, he was just on the alcohol where he was quite reasonable till he hit the whisky.

Just too say as well we diddnt have much contact with my parents when my mum was alive as my mother was an alcoholic and my father abusive so I shielded my children from that as I diddnt want them around that then sadly my mum died and I don't have contact with my father.

OK. A lot to deal with then.

Why do you think he uses, beyond the habit?

Are there hobbies or people outside of the addiction that he values?

How are your younger ones understanding this?

Do you have a partner you have made this decision with jointly, or it all on you?

I think he's beyond the habbit now to be honest, no hobby's that's always been his trouble he would rather sit around and wallow in self pity rather than doing something to occupy his mind, his dad's always believed that if he tottaly cuts him off it gives him no hope and he may end up killing himself but yet U can see my partner's mental health going down the pan. My younger son is on the autistic spectrum and most if the times hates his guts (although I have to say my son who is an addict had to put up with younger sons s reaming meltdowns for hours on end every single evening for years as we had no support) I think this had a huge impact on him mentally. My older son does not want to know the son with addiction as it has caused him anxiety.

OK.

I can see that you are really at the end of your tether with this, and trying to protect your younger kids too.

Maybe for that reason, there isn't a lot of compassion for him. And that makes sense.

Addiction often has roots in trauma.

I specifically asked what his childhood was like from his perspective...and your answer was that he was hard work.

It now seems at some point his parents split up.

I'm not challenging your decision but he is very, very, very young. And it sounds rather that with his addictions he has become 'bad' and problematic in your eyes.

There are or could be ways where you could approach his addictions as a response to trauma, and support him without tolerating abuse....

I'm not sure if you can still see a baby you loved, who is suffering....or if his behaviour has pushed you to a point where you just see him as bad.

I think your partner is both right and wrong...he is likely to go down not up and that's why I asked about his childhood...if ousting him reinforces a childhood experience of being rejected, he may not be able to cope with it.

But you can't tolerate behaviour which threatens your younger children out of fear of his response.

I do see it is difficult.

Hi op I haven't read the full thread but as soon as you mentioned he's a bright lad with high anxiety I wondered if he could be undiagnosed autistic. Then I saw further down you have an autistic child, so I think the chances your older is ASC could be high.

YouTube has a video of Tony Atwood and his son talking about how his son was undiagnosed with Aspergers and became addicted to drugs as a way of reducing his terrible anxiety.

Tony Atwood, ironically, is one of the leading world experts on Aspergers. He didn't even spot it in his own son until his son was in prison in his twenties.

Yummy there is no doubt that my son had a difficult child in the last 5 years that he lived with us due to his brother's meltdowns so he did miss out on a lot of attention and I get that sometimes I swing between feeling really sorry for him and then really disliking him a lot but we have had so much to deal with his dad had a heart attack 7 years ago and has been agrophobic ever since, we have had so much to deal with and I don't want these other kids going through anymore and I don't want to put myself at risk of another thyroid storm.

Joobly the son with addiction problems got a diagnoses of aspbergers last year the trouble is he doesn't see his behaviours as wrong do will he ever change?

Bettyboopawoop I was also wondering about ASD and whether he was self-medicating. Do you think there could possibly be co-morbidities like ADHD too?

There is an amazing young man called Harry Thompson who has written a book and has videos up on YouTube. He has ASD/PDA and has had a long journey with drinking/drugging and may be interesting.

If your son also has PDA traits (look at www.pdasociety.org.uk/) then he won't respond to anyone trying to force him to stop. You might find help there on the forum too as there are other parents with very challenging situations. Might be worth talking to the NAS too.

However, in the short term, you need to take a break from him and concentrate on your own health until you can regroup.

@Grimbelina

Bettyboopawoop I was also wondering about ASD and whether he was self-medicating. Do you think there could possibly be co-morbidities like ADHD too?

There is an amazing young man called Harry Thompson who has written a book and has videos up on YouTube. He has ASD/PDA and has had a long journey with drinking/drugging and may be interesting.

If your son also has PDA traits (look at www.pdasociety.org.uk/) then he won't respond to anyone trying to force him to stop. You might find help there on the forum too as there are other parents with very challenging situations. Might be worth talking to the NAS too.

However, in the short term, you need to take a break from him and concentrate on your own health until you can regroup.

Grimbalina I often thought he had ADHD he had been buying ritalin off someone and he said it really helped him get stuff done, his old alchol/drugs worker tried telling me he diddnt have aspbergers after he got his diagnose I know for a fact he definitely has it, ADHD I suspect very strongly he says his mind never shuts off, I've never looked into PDA he is definitely self medicating it's just really taken its toll on me hence why I am coming across with no compassion.

I have a bright anxious DC with ASD/PDA and ADHD, and know drugs etc. could be a problem in the future, as I also have adult friends with this profile who have had serious substance abuse issues. So much harder when they are adult to help as they have to take control of he process. You aren't coming across with no compassion, you sound very compassionate just exhausted and burnt out. We all have our limits (and don't want to discover those limits healthwise if we can help it). If he knows that ritalin helps him then he needs to pursue an ADHD diagnosis and get a prescription. Sadly you can't do it for him.

@Grimbelina

I have a bright anxious DC with ASD/PDA and ADHD, and know drugs etc. could be a problem in the future, as I also have adult friends with this profile who have had serious substance abuse issues. So much harder when they are adult to help as they have to take control of he process. You aren't coming across with no compassion, you sound very compassionate just exhausted and burnt out. We all have our limits (and don't want to discover those limits healthwise if we can help it). If he knows that ritalin helps him then he needs to pursue an ADHD diagnosis and get a prescription. Sadly you can't do it for him.

Grimbalina when I have mentioned him Persuing a diagnose of ADHD I just get told the waiting lists are too long and then it's left at that. It certainly would explain a lot of things.