AA support programme help

[WindsorPark]

Hi and thank you for reading.

My step son is an alcoholic. He is following the AA programme. He is at step 9 and written his dad and I a letter to say sorry.

We've been through such a lot with him, to the point of DP and I nearly splitting because of it. SS owes his dad a large sum of money. After a period of no contact with SS we are trying to slowly re build a relationship. DP meets his son about every 6 weeks. It was going ok....then his letter arrived.

The letter has set us back, is that what is meant to happen? We are not involved in the programme. The letter feels like SS's offload and very one way. Some of the letter is inaccurate too so has opened up old wounds.
DP is more ok than I am with it. I feel that the letter is quite a selfish approach, I'm assuming there is no dialogue from us and that we don't have a response to it.
I feel the letter and timing assume that we are ready to receive it without any check on this.

I feel confused about my thoughts, given SS has been sober for 14 months. I feel selfish that I'm even thinking 'but it's all about him...what about us'.

Have I got this completely wrong? I'm hoping an explanation by someone who understands may help us.

Step 9 starts off:
“Make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others’

I’m sorry it has opened up old wounds but surely it is better that he says sorry?
So much damage is caused by alcoholics it’s understandable that those affected feel just an apology isn’t enough. However the clock can’t be turned up and your step son can’t undo what he did.
I hope now he is sober he can start to rebuild his relationship with you both.
Alcoholism and addiction are terrible maladies which affect everyone who is in contact with the sufferer and ruin lives - I would really recommend you and your dp go to Al Anon as you will get so much help and support there.

My understanding of this step is that once he has said his peace he needs to unreservedly hear your response. I would contact him and request that time and space is given for your experience to be expressed, if you feel you are ready

I know a little about this but not much. It is my understanding too that you can give an honest (even brutally honest if it is fair) response and that he has to listen, properly. It really isn't supposed to be a quick exercise or absolution for him. It's supposed to be a real, genuine apology and understanding of what he has put you through with no expectation of forgiveness.

This AA rule as a PP said is that you apologise for your wrongs and make amends - unless to do so would cause further harm. If you feel his apology is his for his own sake not yours and that it will not be beneficial to you to hear that then tell him so. That is the direct consequence of his actions. You don't have to hear or accept his apology.

Also this step is about making amends. Not by lip service; actual tangible amends. So he needs to pay you that money as a priority if he genuinely wishes to complete this step of the programme.