Husbands an addict and teen now self harming

[Bluebell1984]

My husband and I are currently separated although we are still close friends and he’s currently in recovery for drug addiction and attending regular meetings. He has long periods of sobriety then relapses, although lately has managed to get back into recovery ASAP. We have 5 children and since 2018 when it come to light that he was hiding a massive addiction to cocaine and prescription drugs, our lives were in chaos. I threw him out instantly, then would have him back believing he’d change, (desperately trying to hold my family together). I didn’t meet him as an addict, for 13 years he was teetotal. He is an amazing husband and father, before addiction took hold.

Anyway since finding al anon me and my children are so much happier, our lives are peaceful. Then I’ve recently discovered that my teenage daughter has been self harming. She’s adamant it’s nothing to do with her dad, and all her friends do it. She’s recently started hanging round with a new group of girls, who I knew self harmed. I’d never have imagined she would do that. She’s always so happy and generally the class clown. But I shared my concern last night at a al anon meeting and was shocked when I was told by another member (who’s new to the programme) that it’s more than likely due to our situation and told me a story of her friends daughter that committed suicide because her mum wouldn’t leave the relationship. I now feel horrendous. I’m wondering if I’ve handled my situation badly. I don’t know what to do for the best.

I’m so anxious! I know people who don’t understand addiction say “Chuck them out” etc. I’d have probably said the same if I’d not lived through it. I’m really open and honest with my kids and always told them their dad was sick, it’s nothing to do with us, etc. In the beginning I thought if he loved us more he’d stop, now through working a programme I realise it’s a lifelong disease, I can’t control or cure it. I’m
Trying to protect my kids as well as helping them to maintain a relationship with their dad. They all adore him. In fact my 10 year old son is most upset that his dad doesn’t live with us. He constantly asks when he’s coming around. I feel I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t!

I literally hate the thought that my daughter might now have a mental issue and feel that I’ve failed as a parent by not acting a certain way.

If she says it’s not due to you I’d believer her as she’s been open enough to tell you about the self harm. I would try getting to the bottom of it, there’s doing 1/2 superficial cuts etc
To ‘fit in’ and then there’s actually being emotionally hurt enough to carry it on. You need to establish what this is and lay out the consequences.
Scarring, people judging etc and also the health implications of infections. Perhaps offer to find her some therapy is she does
Need to chat?

My first reaction was that you’re going to end up with ugly scars that people will recognise and judge. Which I know isn’t the best approach. I have ocd traits with obsessive thoughts, no one understands how I feel. So I have realised that I won’t understand what’s going on in her head either. If it was as easy as pointing out that it’s going to scar I guess she wouldn’t have done it.

I need to safeguard her anyway, so I’m going to phone the drs. She doesn’t really want me to, especially not to notify the school. But I think at least I’ll have done my bit, they are the specialists in that area. However I do think, if you’ve grown up in a home with alcoholism or addiction, if you develop a disorder it will automatically be linked with that. I’ve been to counselling myself and they’ve always tried to look back into my childhood, although I was spoilt and came from a loving, stable family home. So I think it depends on the individual.