Alcoholic brother and inheritance

[Grenoble124]

Hi all. Need some advice and don't know where else to turn. My Dad recently died and left everything to me. He had wanted me to give my brother a small amount, approx 10% ish but was leaving it to me to decide. My brother has addiction issues and behaved so appallingly when my Dad was dying I feel he may have changed his mind.

The issue is that any small amount of money will result in my brother buying a car which he will drive drunk. He has lost his licence, been in court, had numerous cars seized. He is in end stage alcoholism and it has impaired his thinking. I couldn't live with myself if he killed a child.

He was abusive to me at the time of my father's death and continues to look for money using emotional blackmail.

I know he is in the later stages of his addiction as my father died from the same addiction. My brother cared for him at home for a short time. He didn't really care for him at all, just the bare minimum.

I feel so guilty but I think it would be a bad idea to give him money. I also know I will be spending approximately half of that amount on his funeral in the not too distant future. He has been homeless but is not currently. He is cocklodging somewhere. He moves on when they kick him out and finds another online, moving from place to place.

What would you do?

Tia.

I am an Alcoholic in recovery,sober almost 18years.Dont give him money,that would be my advice.

Alcoholics destroy everything and everybody in their path,try and detach from him with love.

That's tough, and I don't have any experience, but gut instinct says you're right. If you can resist the emotional blackmail, do so. As well as the very understandable concern about injuring/killing someone else, I'd struggle to live with the guilt if he killed himself wrapping the car around a lamppost. The 'what ifs' would be very difficult.

I'm sorry for your loss too xx

You can always put it aside and potential help him with direct payments of rent/food if required.

Put half of the money away for him and give it to him when he's sober

Don't give him anything, don't even consider it. Does he have children? If he does I would set up a trust for their future.

What does the will actually say? I'm not sure you technically can go against the deceaseds wishes. Who is the executor of the will?

Put the money in a separate account. Use it to pay expenses he incurs- medical, legal, etc. Do not give him cash. Pay the bills directly to those owed. Keep a file of bills paid, in case of questions.

First what does the will actually say

If all money was left to you, but you know you Dad wanted to give him 10%, then if he as children, put it into an account for the children, once funeral expenses are taken care of, assuming he doesn't get sober

No children, 10% into a savings account funeral expenses (assuming he doesn't get sober)

If he does get sober, then you can give him the money, but depending on how much you are talking about, I would be careful on how much money he can withdraw

Thank you for all your help. Will left everything to me. I am the executor. It is done and dusted, money in my account. I have already given him over 1% for rent and bills I forgot to mention.

He has grown up children he is estranged from. My Dad was estranged from them too and his ex wife owed my Dad more than the amount I'm referring to. My Dad would not want it going to them. I could help them out maybe here and there instead.

My Dad wanted his car to go to a friend. I have done this. Again not in will. But my brother doesn't know that and wants the car. I have absolutely no doubt of his intention to drive. He also recently asked for a loan to buy a car.

The nirse dealing with my Dad thought my brother was brain damaged from alcohol. He won't get sober. He can hardly walk. If I tell him to get sober the threats will begin in earnest, I can't even give him my address.

I think future rent, bills etc. I worry even a small amount in his account will open the floodgates for the threats. He doesn't know the house is sold.

Hi @Grenoble124. I've just read your post. How is everything now? I'm sorry to hear about your brother and what you are dealing with. As an alcoholic in recovery, I would suggest not giving your brother any cash, as you say, it will be used to buy a car and probably for moreso alcohol. The guilt and threats for money are more than likely being made to get money from you for drink. In my worst days, my partner took my money and bank cards to prevent me getting booze and I can tell you, I would say anything to try to get those cards back. I can tell that you care about your brother and want to help him but unfortunately, alcohol ruins body and mind and will do anything to continue its take over of mind and body. Only he can change his fate and although it's difficult, you have to do what's best for you and safest for him (even though he may not appreciate or realise it) I hope that makes sense and I haven't waffled too much.

Hi Itsalready. Thank you for your response. Well done on your recovery, that can't have been easy.

Well things took a bit of a turn. He has since found out the house is sold and his latest gf rang me to tell me she is going to help him contest the will. I have never even met her. (We are not in the UK). She also said he is sober and she is supporting him through his problems so his addiction has obviously been an issue in their short relationship. I don't expect him to get anywhere but it's creating anxiety nonetheless. I have text exchanges with my Dad which prove he wasn't being properly cared for by my brother.

Do you know though, until I read your post I was still thinking of giving him money when the dust settles and also writing to the police to ensure he does not buy another car. I can't do this at the moment as he will think it is because of his demands and keep coming back. So deep down I want to give him something I suppose.

Btw I am 100% certain he is not sober.

I would reply to his girlfriend saying that she is free to spend her money on legal fees if she wants but that the will is absolutely adamant that only you inherit and that she would be wasting her money.

As for your brother, every penny would be spent on self-destruction. I wouldn't give him anything. The same goes to your dad's other family. Your dad left his money to you. He clearly had thought about it and came to that conclusion, so if I were you I would put some money by for your brother's funeral and then have the rest yourself.

Hi again. If I were you I wouldn't respond or correspond with the new girlfriend. It has absolutely nothing to do with her and she will be hearing your brothers side only. She could be in addiction herself and want/need money, do you know how they met?
It's difficult to know how to respond to the threat of contesting the will, could it be that he is trying to test you, see if you will back down? Could you offer to pay his rent or some bills directly to his landlord/utilities, this way you will feel that you are helping him and using the money constructively on his behalf? If he doesn't agree to that then you know that the money will be going to waste and more than likely he'll be homeless again for not paying rent or causing problems when drunk (sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be). You said above that even a small amount of money in his account would open the floodgates for threats, why would this be?

Hi both. I won't be dealing with her again. I have had a headache for a week. She is most certainly in addiction herself. My brother doesn't behave in a normal manner. At the moment he is living rent free again. He moves on from woman to woman with speed, hunts them out and if they are any way vulnerable he edges his way in. That's another reason the car is so important, driving them here and there. It actually sounds like a soap opera. If he got a penny she wouldn't even see it. He would gone.

When I say threats I meant the threat of contesting even if I give him money (I did offer to pay a landlord previously but he said it would look bad, it is difficult for him to secure accommodation). So I had to give it to him directly. Then he moved in with a 'friend '.

I am afraid of what he, or her, would do to me. He tries to intimidate and threaten people. He doesn't know where I live and it's hours away.

There is more to the story. He has harmed me in the past, when I was a child. Any dealings with him bring it all back.

And yes I have no doubt every single penny would go on alcohol. He even bought alcohol with vouchers from charity (quite unbelievably that was possible).

My problem is my Dad was soft and so said give him something small but I have taken the advice here on board.

Thanks again.