Today is the day! I need to tell someone, because I'm going need a lot of support over the next few weeks, and maybe this will be a good place for me to vent, almost like a diary. Perhaps there will be others who have been through this.I'm pretty ashamed about it, in all honesty.
Basically, I'm addicted to codeine. It started a couple of years ago, I was taken to hospital in an ambulance with an ovarian torsion. It was hideously painful and I had to be given morphine via a drip. I was in hospital for 3 days off my face on painkillers.
When I was discharged, I was given an extremely large box of Cocodamol 30mg/500mg on a repeat prescription. I was taking them for a long time, and I suddenly realised that I was taking them for the high feeling, because I wasn't actually in pain anymore.
After a while this prescription was obviously stopped. By this point I was quite evidently addicted to the codeine and how it made me feel. I felt relaxed, happy and floaty, if that makes sense.
Before this, my EXH had an affair, we divorced. I quickly met someone else, who was the absolute love of my life however I think it was a case of 'right person, wrong time' All of this will have contributed to the codeine misuse, no doubt.
Anyway, so I started buying and taking over the counter Cocodamol in the smaller strength. After a while, I built up a tolerance to these, so had to start buying the stronger strength.
I'm now at the point where there is nothing stronger I can buy over the counter, and I'm taking extremely large amounts of codeine combined with paracetamol and ibuprofen each day...probably enough to kill me eventually.
The other night, I was mucking around with my DS6 and i told him i didn't know what i would do without him. He said he would be ever so sad without me, and I'm his favourite person ever, he hope's I never die. This really hit home...I don't want to die, I dont want to leave him...and if I carry on this way, that's what's going to happen. I cant do that to him, and I wont.
So, yesterday, I've decided it's going to stop. In a normal day, I would have taken upwards of 32 tablets...right now, I've only taken 8 so far since yesterday. I need to taper the amount as slowly as I can, to try and keep the withdrawal symptoms at bay...although, it's not going to be pretty. It's going to make me poorly and depressed, achy, shakey, and emotional...but I've got to do it...although it should only take 5 days at the most, the worst will be day 3...once I get to the point where I'm feeling okay on a regular dose of 8/500 as per the instructions on the packet, then I'll be in the right place to start cutting them out altogether. I'm terrified, its going to be awful.
I've also contacted a charity in this morning via telephone , who will be able to help me taper safely, they'll be calling me to arrange an appointment. I feel like such an idiot and I'm so embarrassed, but I cant do it anymore. I wont leave my son without a Mother.
I've also told my best friend everything today. Shes been so supportive and wonderful.
I know how stupid I am, I dont need to be told, but this needs to stop now...and it will.