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Should I be involved with a recovering addict.

9 replies

Cleo4leo · 30/11/2020 12:34

I have got really close to a man lately. He's amazing and I can't say I've ever clicked so Intensely with someone like this before. The feelings are mutual. He is consistent and reliable. He cares. He's always making sure I'm happy and ok. We have not slept together yet but we are very attracted to eachother. Most importantly though we can talk for hours. I honestly feel like he's the one for me. But!

He broke his back years ago. It's left him in chronic pain. He still works. He's a dad. He has animals. He's popular. He's kind. But he's basically always in pain.

5 months ago he ended up on hospital several times. Drink, weed and seizures. He took aload of pain killers and text his ex to say goodbye. She sent an ambulance and he was in hospital for three weeks but the pain in his daughters face stopped him there and then. He's 5 months clean of alcohol and has a controlled drug for the pain. He is back working full time.

He told me alot about it on Saturday when we went for a walk together. I didn't realise how bad it had been. But I understand how he got there. Hes depressed from loosing his mum several years ago. But the pain has tipped him over the edge and I also can imagine how being on agony can push you to your limit.

So anyway I did some research online which sounds weird. But I want to make sure I'm doing right by him. All I've seen is that you should not date for the first year. But he's been involved with me for weeks now. To the point we are very close. I'd say we are falling in love. I don't want to give him up. He's done nothing to make me want too. But according to facts he should be focusing on himself. Now I'm thinking what have I done? Have I ruined his chances of continuing forward? Also what if he thinks he needs me but I'm just this comfort?

What should I do?
I have kids too. So I can't gamble on things.

Should I carry on with him and support him? Or is this never going to end well? Thanks

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/11/2020 12:38

I'm not saying you definitely have to dump him right now. But.

Be very cautious. 5 months after a serious suicide attempt and substance abuse issues is not long at all. And the

Starlightstarbright1 · 30/11/2020 12:40

Personally I wouldn’t but that is based on my experience. I was married with someone with drink and weed issues. All can be fine for a while but then it’s just not. That’s somewhere I wouldn’t risk going again

Respectabitch · 30/11/2020 12:42

Bugger hit post accidentally.

And the new relationship euphoria rush is very very good at making people feel "I'm much better now, everything is fine, I don't need drugs/meds any more or ongoing support!" Except then it wears off. Or the relationship goes through an awkward patch and that's a calamity because you depend on it for your sobriety. Been there, dealt with the fallout.

Getting sober and no depressed right then and there in one minute is... Fairly unlikely. I'm not saying people don't have genuine road-to-Damascus moments that are powerfully motivational, but how is be managing his pain and depression now, sustainably, in a way completely independent of the buzz of "someone understands me"? What are his resources and plans to prevent another crisis?

katy1213 · 30/11/2020 12:45

I wouldn't. I don't want those complications in my life and I don't feel the urge to be anyone's rescuer. (Not saying you do!)
But definitely take a step back and put the brakes on any developing romance.

Cleo4leo · 30/11/2020 12:46

Thank you. He has a controlled drug. He took all the help at the time he said and now he feels happy. He said he was happy before he met me and back working but I've just made him look forward to the future.

He seems a very normal guy. His ex is still fond of him. He's clean tidy and keeps his house respectable. He has normal friends and his photos on Facebook are all normal things like family holidays. His pets. Kids etc.

But yeah I do wonder if he will relapse and stuff. I'm mad about him. That's the trouble. I feel like I'd break his heart if I gave him up. I just want what's best.

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/11/2020 13:53

I'm mad about him. That's the trouble. I feel like I'd break his heart if I gave him up.

See, that in itself has a few warning lights flashing for me. However great for each other you might be, he is only a few months post nearly dying and - I'm inferring - from serious substance abuse. It's dangerous to have someone in a fundamentally fragile state investing in someone else for their self-worth and stability right now.

If he is an addict and/or his issues are of some standing, relapses are a fairly likely part of the process.

I would walk lightly right now and maybe give each other some space for a while. If he is ready for a serious relationship and this is it, he will still be ready in a few months and will have some more sobriety under his belt.

TizzDeSeason · 30/11/2020 14:01

It’s much too early in his recovery for him to be starting a relationship.

Cleo4leo · 30/11/2020 15:35

So how do I handle it my end?

OP posts:
Respectabitch · 30/11/2020 18:10

I would really try and slow your roll, take it gently and give it a lot of time. If not back off altogether. And avoid ending up too emotionally dependent on each other or making any big commitments or declarations. If he's serious about staying stable and sober he will understand why.

Maybe you are each other's great love, none of us know for sure, or maybe this is codependency waiting to happen, but I think it behooves you both to be cautious.

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