The journey to recovery

[FabbyChix]

An abusive relationship led to a six year coke ha it to survive the mental abuse which was horrific. Then a year trying to get out of it. Then losing job, being so ill mentally I used drugs to try to know where to find myself as I’d lost the ability to even watch tv, brush my hair or live. I moved my life 100 miles away leaving all I ever worked for my whole life. Now here we are four months later where I am she become an addict. It’s got out of control past ten days my dog died. But like before I know if I do it again the suicidal way it makes me feel will end up in me dying. I don’t want to live like this I came here to change. My mental health recovery was a miracle. I’m able to work. But coke makes me feel after a few hours ashamed, gutted, and I won’t live another month the same as before. I told my sister yet a day later it happened agajn. I can’t move agajn now. I have bpd and I know that’s why causes the addiction as it makes me feel I need saving. I don’t. So I will write here everyday to not go into deny the next day.

This is my diary to my recovery. I will write when I fail and when I succeed. I haven’t gone two weeks off it in three years. Past ten days it’s every other day. Even didn’t do that before. I told my sister I’d rather leave and be homeless. But I’d course the next day your normal you don’t feel like that.

I’m not an idiot and I know that I have to do this. Albeit there’s is a part of me that knows dying would be easier than living. 55 lost my home, room in someone’s house, no dog, kids that could have saved my home but didn’t even ask about my health or see me move or help pack.

I’m happy off it on it it makes me look at my life and the future and think what’s the point.

I have two kids yet I will never have grandkids doe xmas or visits. I know that I could achieve stuff and be happy here but the coke makes me a victim. If I don’t stop I will die and I’m not sure I want to.

Back tomorrow

This is a very brave step to admit that you have a problem and want to stop - well done!!!

Have you had any experience of NA or similar group recovery?? I literally couldn't get sober without support so I would strongly recommend trying your local groups. Most places have moved to online meetings and details are on the website

cocaineanonymous.org.uk

It’s for bad because at 5am Thursday I drive two hours to collect then 2 hours back. I’ve spent 1800 in 12 days. I’m ok lucky has some work this time of year but then I could have saved that I don’t have any savings. Just ran my bank down to zero. It’s how I’ve lived for three years but before I’d spend all my bills and rent in a day and have to get someone to help. I’d never borrowed a penny before. I don’t even drink because I don’t want to get to need it. Now this. I have to do it or I have to leave here and just be homeless or I have to drive two hours get loads wait till I’m manic depressed and suicidal and top myself. I knew I’d do it where I was to stop it. It’s like I am in the same place and it kills me. Off coke if don’t even register. Not depressed on it unreal that’s my bpd as it works to make you need someone.

Sorry about this but I’ve got to do this to see it when I’m not on drugs or on downer. I have to face fhis. Don’t help I’m furloughed if I wasn’t this would never happen. I’ve told her that’s it. Now he is selling stuff that’s shit and cutting the weight.

I always say this then do it again so that’s why it’s here.

Embarsssing tomorrow

I went as did weeks used to leave there and go buy some. It didn’t work. I’ve also had cbt my son paid for they don’t know. She told me to visualise a stop sign one week and that was it. I also asked my gp for help. Psychological torture the kind they use in prison makes the person lose their self you use all your kentap strength to survive the abuse. I lost the ability to do anything. But to make such a drastic change and I’m where I was I feel like shit and I came here to get better. Mentally I have as I was so ill didn’t think work agajn. Then a month I was fully recovered now this.

I keep thinking tell my kids. I would have walked before and got in the car to get away. Now here I am driving four hours to get it weekly as well as paying some conman to sell me rubbish. I ain’t this weak but it’s my sister she drives it.

Here I am today. More positive. Realising that boredom creates the problem and primarily all the idea and wanting to get it is down to my sister. I’ve made plans to start her up a business doing stuff I do that doesn’t require experience. She has had a different life to me. I work in a professional capacity office based she has worked in cafes and cleaning. I’ve always been financially independent she never has. Also due to this we are like two different social classes. I’ve never been around aggression shouting or calling someone names and swearing. It’s part of who she is. I’ve never been around people who embarsss their partners in front of others. They have no money yet drive a 30k car. She works for her husband for free and he doesn’t give her a penny so she has no income. Others would see this as financial abuse they don’t they like from the fifties. Man works pays bills if woman wants anything she asks. But she smokes he don’t even wonder where the money comes from. So I give her weekly rent she keeps it.

I’m 55 and just lost my own home rented and all my stuff. So have a room. I dunno if I can live with never having my own place or a dog agajn. I’m not sure. I think I will get some qualifications I need then decide. I thought take two years to get well enough to work. And took a month.

Well I’ve discovered that it don’t work anymore anyway whether it’s my head doing it or not. Twice no effect. Blinding. Besides I’ve managed to save nearly a grand this week and moved it. That’s something else for me

So I have a gastric problem now that’s caused by cocaine abuse. I’ve canned it since my dog died at the beginning of the moth more than ever. So now I can’t take it anymore because my stomach reacts immediately with gas and retching and severe pain. No one takes drugs to feel ill. In a way it’s a blessing

I’m so happy. 7 years it’s over and just like that it’s gone. Had an immediate reaction severe stomach cramps bad bubbly noisy tummy. Retching. Overuse. Probable peptic ulcers. It’s a blessing can’t ever touch it agajin. Could get gangrene intestine. My sister is on her own I’m not getting it. Or paying for it. 4 grand in a month all my seasonal money gone. Could have bought a new car. Thank god or I might have started selling my stuff. I’d told my sister I never craved it so it was co dependency and if didn’t stop I’d have to leave. Seriously my stomach is so painful. Had it yesterday then gone this morning didn’t realise it was run coke. Fuking spent 300 and I’m not touch long what I got. Can’t risk needing hospital.

Good luck &carry on you are stronger than you think , keep safe x