Can’t leave partner alone to go to work - quitting cigarettes

[BillywigStings]

It’s the end of day 2 of my partner quitting smoking.

I’m anticipating being told to leave my partner or give up on him. Please don’t. Not only do I love him and want to support him but even if I didn’t financially it wouldn’t work for us to split. We would lose everything.

My husband is the type that refuses to go to the dr, and when I talk him into it he won’t take the medication, or he’ll try and forget about it. He had a bad childhood and has had depression from a young age as well as malnutrition as a child. Thankfully he has been a kind, gentle and hands-on daddy to our two boys (2and 5)and is actually a stay at home, home educating parent whilst I work full time at a minimum wage job to keep the lights on. However, he has kept this up by smoking a 20 pack of cigarettes a day, topped up with cannabis which helps his depression and joint pains. Please don’t judge us on this, while he is quitting now, it genuinely has worked and even though perhaps might not have been the best in some eyes, it’s the reason at least in part he hasn’t committed suicide yet.

Anyway, now he is quitting, he has become vile. The way he looks at me makes me feel like he hates me. He snaps at the children when they play up though at least is generally sweet with them until our eldest (who has adhd) does something naughty then he storms out, slamming every door he goes through.

I have had to refuse to spend a single penny more on his smoking due to our increasing debt. Because he has relied on it for so long for his sanity (in the past when I talked him into trying he literally had nervous breakdowns) I just kept paying for cigarettes. Our debt is due to repairs to our house, but it really is building and paying it off and paying the bills now takes up my entire wage with little to spare. In the past when I said he would need to stop he just chose not to buy new things - like he has maybe three threadbare outfits and no personal belongings except his phone. He sold his PlayStation for cigarette money. Now though I had to put my foot down and gave him a week’s warning where he tried to cut down before taking the plunge. However now he is saying he isn’t ready and can’t do it. But I literally have no money. Only enough for nappies and groceries. So he is quitting, ready or not.

So basically, it’s day 2. On day 7 however I am due back at work and if things haven’t improved significantly I can’t leave him alone with the kids or he will probably break down. Just to be clear, I know he won’t harm them, but he might have a panic attack and phone me, sobbing and pleading. With young kids it’s not like he can just leave them in front of the tv/games console for the day.

With Coronavirus it’s actually a blessing he can’t go over to his friends to beg for money/cigs, but also he can’t get help from family for baby sitting. Can anyone help me figure out what to do?

As far as I can figure, my options are:
1.) pretend to be ill so I can stay home and support him another week
2.) tell my work he is severely depressed and hope they pay me for being off to support him
3.) tell my work he has a bug and is too ill to watch the kids

With all this, please bear in mind he refuses to go to the dr normally and absolutely will not go for mental health issues at all. He is only quitting because he is forced to. He sits and fumes all day and night and only has kind words for the children, so me suggesting he go to the dr for any reason will not work.

Please don’t judge.

Is he getting sick pay or any benefits? If he is, then I'm sorry but I think it's a right for him to have some to spend.

I understand you're working but as a family, you must have some benefits in addition to your wage.

It sounds terrible for you but as someone who used to smoke, I can fully understand his misery.

When I smoked, DH and I were low income....I smoked only rollups as they were cheaper and didn't buy anything for myself.

Does he have access to money? If not, then it sounds like he's being financially abused.

Can he get a part time evening job to help out with the bills and pay for his cigarettes? Cam he get a phone GP appointment and get some nicotine patches prescribed? It's pretty brutal going cold turkey. When my DP was a sahp, he did tutoring a couple of evenings a week which he enjoyed and it got him out of the house without the kids. This might actually help your husband's depression.

He probably does need them tbh if he is not on antidepressants. My cousin had to come her antidepressants when she was pregnant and she was advised to keep smoking as the doctors didnt want to take that away in case she went completely off the rails as she was very ill, the harm of the cigarettes outweighed the other risks.

You cant force him to quit.

20 cigarettes a day is a ridiculous amount to spend, rolling tobacco is a lot cheaper. Go and buy the poor man some. He doesnt just want it, he is addicted.

I was the wicked witch from the west when I gave up smoking.
Lasted about a week, but I had patches.
Worst was first 3-4 days.
Good luck and use diversions such as cleaning teeth when urge for cigarette strikes.

You talk about "your money" as though it's not a joint thing?

Since he supports you to work by looking after the children without paying for childcare, then income in joint.

This is also the root cause of his frustration with giving up smoking. If you worked together and had "our finances" and what "we" can afford or need to pay for (rather than "I"), then he would feel equally as involved and responsible for finances.

If jointly you came to the conclusion that you needed to save money as a couple, then he might mire readily buy into the idea of not bring able to afford to smoke.

I assume in all if this you are also giving up something you enjoy to a similar value, to save money jointly.

@FortunesFave he's not being financially abused having no access to money because there isn't any money. The OP can't afford this.

Honestly I'm not sure what you should do if it continues OP, but I think you're doing the right thing. You shouldn't have to go into a debt for a luxury, and it's not like smoking is a one-off cheap thing, it's a repeated (and expensive!) cost. He is an addict, just because it's legal doesn't make it okay, and if he won't go to the doctor for support when he is struggling then that's his problem. I'd try to stay home if you really feel he won't cope with the kids (disgusting btw, he's not babysitting, he's parenting) can you work from home at all? Ive supported a few close friends in quitting and they were awful at first. Good luck!

Can he try a vape?

Is he also quitting cannabis at the same time as nicotine?

I'm another one suggesting a vape.

I could count on one hand the amount of people I know who quit with patches / gum / champix.

I don't know anyone who has quit cold turkey.

But I do know a lot of people who have managed to quit with a vape.

A decent one will cost £30-40 (so two or three days worth of cigs) but after that you can get the bottles or juice online for a pound each (one pound eliquid is the website I know of).

With that out of the way I can understand your husband's behaviour. If you've never smoked before it's impossible to imagine the kind of torture going cold turkey is. I'm getting a bit panicky myself just thinking about it and I haven't touched a cigarette in 5 years!

If you are refusing to buy him cigarettes then you need to do something. A pouch of tobacco or a vape.

StopSpending OP states "I have no money" suggesting he never has any....and that she's in charge of finances entirely.

I have had to refuse to spend a single penny more on his smoking

Also suggests she is completely in charge and he has no choice.

I can't believe those who are siding with the dp. He's literally burning away money they don't have to support a habit that is carcinogenic. If he's smoking 20 a day, then he's also smoking round his children. That's not forgetting the weed he's also smoking. This isn't about her controlling his spending, they don't have anything to spend! He won't go to the gp for support, won't cut down, is threatening to harm himself if he doesn't get what he wants. Yes, he's an addict in the extreme. Would you all say the same about giving him money you don't have if he was spending it on alcohol?
OP, he will get through this and probably thank you for it in the end. As will his children. His health will improve along with the bank balance. If he wants to continue to smoke then he needs to get a job to pay for his habit.
By me and my DH are ex smokers so I know how hard quitting is, I also know it takes very little time to get over the physical withdrawal.

Smoking is an expensive habit that just can’t be afforded.

Whilst it must be tremendously difficult for OP’s OH, if he got in touch with his GP then there are options to help alleviate the symptoms of withdrawal.

I do know people that have quit cold turkey, including someone who smoked 40 a day. Most I know have had some form of assistance though.

My cousin had to come her antidepressants when she was pregnant and she was advised to keep smoking

What a load of bollocks.

OP as pp said can you get some nicotine patches or similar?

Hello,
Thank you for the replies. Wow, I’m actually shocked. In the past, I have been the only one to have sympathy with his side of the issue and everyone else thinks he is just being lazy etc to the point where I have stopped reaching out. I’m horrified at the idea I might be financially abusing him. It’s true, I have ended up controlling the money as he got us in terrible debt a few years ago as he repeatedly did not budget and I used all my savings bailing him out. I trialled giving him the child benefit money direct into his bank account and the first thing he did was take the kids out for a meal and buy them new toys when I told him we couldn’t afford anything other than the usual groceries etc. Btw, I didn’t imply he was the one babysitting, I meant the people who could help (if not for the virus) would be babysitting. Just so you know, I am also going without. I have barely any clothes and have not bought myself anything other than bare necessities (usually even then second hand) for nearly 2 years. Even before that my biggest expense was basic clothing. This year the kids will have to get barely any birthday presents. It’s the first time they have had to miss out so it’s why I’ve had to stop funding him. Basically two weeks ago I gave him £50 worth of cigs and one last £30 bag of weed and said i couldn’t do it anymore. He needed a further 40 cigs (which i had to take money I had put aside for bills) and then that was it all finished after a week and a half. He felt ill using nicotine patches and gum, and over the years I helped him buy 2 different vapes and it didn’t work. Maybe I will try again with that anyway. Also, he never smokes in our house.

Doesn’t exactly sound a catch, does he....? He constantly lets you and the children down and you put up with it. Nothing will change, this is who he is.

Thank you so much by the way, I have never had advice from anyone who actually saw things from my husbands point of view before. We have been together twelve years and I’ve felt like every time I ask for advice I have ended up defending him and explaining why I won’t leave him. None of my friends or family smoke or have been through this kind of thing

@Splitsunriseits the nature of this question that I am telling all of his worst points. What I haven’t done is explain what a brilliant father he is (honestly, strangers see him out and about home educating and always comment on how amazing he is with them) and how patient he has been with my own different issues over the years. No point in going into it here but rest assured I would leave him in a heartbeat if he was a terrible husband all the time

If his addiction has its roots in trauma this could take years of intensive therapy to resolve. If he's not willing to see a GP or to contemplate changing his behaviour then the prognosis is extremely poor indeed.

Your children are very young at the moment (pre-school/ y1?), realistically at this rate they are going to spend a large chunk (if not all) of their childhood living with an addict. Would you maybe consider contacting Social Services to see if they could refer you and the kids to early help services, or your partner to a substance misuse service? If you are too frightened to pick up the phone for fear that your children would seen to be at risk then you've got some serious soul searching to do.

Update: I just went and asked him if he would consider going into town and buying a vape (understanding that it would get us into money issues potentially but is better than an ongoing high cost ). He told me that it was just another thing to get dependent on and I had tortured him for two days and he might as well suffer through the third. Ugh. Am having to continuously remind myself he isn’t normally like this and try not to get upset. Anyway, after being told by @FortunesFave I’m potentially financially abusing him as he is basically allowing me to work more in return for free childcare...I think that when the next child benefit payment comes through I will just give what we can afford to him and hope he spends it wisely. I haven’t done this in the past as I would rather put it towards paying a little extra off credit cards but you are right in that he would feel more responsible if i allowed him to actually have some responsibility. I’ve sadly started acting like a controlling parent in that regard due to his past mistakes but he can’t grow if I don’t give him a chance

I get it. I'm an ex smoker (now vaper), but I also controlled our family finances for some years. My husband had been financially reckless one too many times, and I was fed up of bailing him out.

I must've controlled the finances (literally banking both incomes, then giving us each 'spending money' per month) for about three years.

During those three years we had periods of decent (maybe even 'high') income and periods of very little income due to the nature of our jobs.

I asked him regularly if he was still okay with me managing finances, I was aware it was unusual and patronising. But we needed to survive financially and it was safe (he'd take a good month as a sign to spend, whereas I'd recognise we'd need to save to cushion bad months).

He's been managing his own money again for a further three years now. Sometimes he spends in ways I wouldn't, most of the time he keeps his spending under control.

It's not abuse if it keeps a roof over your head, it's abuse if it's done for power or for control.

@NotMyUsualNameNoSiree thank you. I will try what you have done I think and hopefully end up with both of us able to be responsible with money too.

Doesn't he work OP?

I think a fair few people on this thread haven't experienced someone who is useless with a limited pot of money. Personally I think you would be happier without him. He sounds like a waster.

You are not financially abusing him. There isn't enough money to squander by the sounds of it and you'll grow more resentful when he does waste whatever money you give him while you use a credit card at the end of the month for food I'm guessing.

You seem to take ownership of his problems.

You went and suggested he vape instead of asking him if there is anything you can do to help him.

You seem to try to resolve his underlying issues rather than asking him what he needs or telling him what is no OK with you.

I would be inclined to give him 4 days of being like a bear with a sore head. Especially as he has now told you his plan is to stick with the cold turkey. Then if he is still being a git on day 5 I would say "All this door slamming is driving us crazy while we are in isolation. Would you please keep it under control."

OP have you spoken to any debt advisory services? You sound like you're struggling so hard....there are ways to reduce repayments you know.

I only know about National Debtline but maybe others on here know of other free, safe advisory charities which can help you re-jig your repayments so you've got more.

Yes he had a job but most jobs at our level expect to be able to give you different hours every weekend do overtime too and it was a nightmare coordinating them and we were both getting a reputation with our managers for being difficult trying to make sure there was always someone home with kids. so instead as mine was a better job (less soul crushing) and I enjoy working as opposed to being at home all the time more than him we decided that i would take as many hours as possible and support us both. Less stress meant we were better parents and had a better relationship. We don’t regret that. He is happy with this too.
@TorkTorkBam I have actually asked him what I can do to help, he just wants to be left alone so i’m respecting that, but was also looking for ideas to suggest to him
@FortunesFave I will get in contact with them if it gets that bad, we’re just on the edge of needing to if I can just cut back a little we’ll be able to get by.
@gamerchick he home educates our kids. Not sure if you’ve ever tried this and running a household but it’s certainly not easy and I would consider it hard work. I understand where you are coming from just remember this smoking issue is one part of our relationship and sadly in order to get advice I have had to highlight his absolute worst attributes. Sorry if I’m being a bit sharp but I’ve found stay at home mums rarely get as much flack compared to him.