Boundaries for porn, alcohol and cocaine addict husband

[applecurrysauce]

Hello

I'm hoping you can help me. My DH has been in rehab for the past month for his porn, alcohol and cocaine addiction. I'm attending family sessions and have been asked to come up with some boundaries. I'm really struggling as I feel like he will say I am controlling. Can anyone help me with reasonable boundaries given the above addictions that I can ask of him?

Thanks!

@Wolfiefan how long is it usual to stay for? He says others tend to leave after 3 weeks and I think that's what's making him think it's fine. It feels like he got a nice holiday while I had to cope with the kids alone!

Honestly applecurrysauce, can you not see that leaving rehab when he's barely begun and refusing your totally reasonable request for disclosure shows that he's not engaging with it at all? He's not recovering. He's not sober. He's not even trying to be.

What keeps you in this relationship, truly?

Your children deserve better than this, you should put them first and not even entertain supporting this liar and addict.
He has done such a good job on you that you can't see that the children come last in your relationship.
I don't blame you and not having a go at you, but surely enough is enough and it's time to put your children first.

I do @SoHotADragonRetired but he seems to have the support of the rehab centre so it's making my arguments that he should stay longer feel rather flimsy.

@RomanyQueen1 I do try very hard to make sure they don't come last Romany. I'm a SAHM but would rather be working and I do try to spend my days focused on them. I hope I've given them stability. I'm trying my best.

You are flogging a dead horse, op

Offload him before he brings you all down

It doesn’t matter how long he stays. He can’t come back to live with the kids.
Rehab works when someone is truly committed and not pushed into it. It doesn’t even always work then.
He’s only there as you’ve thrown him out. He thinks he can stay away whilst you calm down and then you will have him back. He’s not being honest and is refusing to be open about the scale of the problem.
Don’t take him back.

I think perhaps you need to be clearer as to what a boundary is. It is not a "law", e.g. banning porn or cocaine in the home.

It is expressing what behaviour you will accept. He can behave how he wants; however, you need to spell out what the consequences will be if he does x, y or z.

Then he can decide whether to behave within these boundaries or not.

E.g. you could say if he uses porn in the house then he will need to move out for one month. Be warned, if you set boundaries and fail to follow through with your stated consequences, you are giving him free rein to ignore everything you ask of him.

From what you have said, I think you would be far better cutting your losses now and getting rid of him. Your children will be better for it - I say this as someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent.

He's using the 12 steps to suit himself. One of them is about making a list of who has been hurt by the alcoholic's behaviour and another step is about making amends. Just saying sorry is not making amends. Refusing to engage with you regarding his financial behaviour is like shouting in your face that he's not sorry.

Go and see a counsellor - for you, not for him. You deserve better.

I really doubt that the clinic do "support him leaving", in the sense that they think he's doing great and will stay sober. (Unless they are absolute charlatans, which is possible.) They probably just recognise that he's not at all engaged with sobriety or recovery so he might as well leave; they can't stop him or help him until he actually wants help.

Have you read Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes? It's really well worth reading if you haven't already. Her main character thought she was going on holiday when she went into rehab.

What's the point?

Walk away from him and take care of your children.

If he isn't willing to be fully open and truthful about his addiction it isn't going to work-rehab and the relationship!

I feel worn out just reading your posts

What is the actual point? He either wants to become a better person or he doesn't. Not in your control and completely up to him.

He sounds like he doesn't want to truly get better and hasn't quite hit rock bottom. You should what the next step is for you in all of this.

More you write the more I think the only boundary you can have is him living elsewhere.

The fact he will not be completely honest with you suggest that he is only paying lip service to rehab. The fact that he thinks if he has to stay longer in rehab then he wants shows he is not ready to leave and come home.

He is not ready to give his addictions and be a better husband and father.

And if he refuses to live elsewhere? Which he sort of has...

I need to go?

No, you don't go.

What's your situation in term of renting/mortgage/work and children?

We are renting. I don't work but I receive dividends from my husband's company though. It would probably be sufficient to get a new rental though. I'd have to look into it.

Sorry, on my phone and didn't notice some things.

You have three children and are a SAHM. Do you have any help with childcare?

He has his own business. What's happened to that now?

No I do all the childcare, other than clubs and preschool etc. He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time.

The business is still running while he's away. He has staff and I help out.

He’s a gaslighting arsehole and it sounds like he’s never going to face up to what he’s done, he’s just going to twist you asking for information as being “controlling”. He bloody needs someone to control him tbh as he’s clearly incapable of doing it himself.

A coke addled, alcoholic, porn addict. Jeez what a catch. I agree with those who have said the boundary would be the front door he wasn’t allowed over. And he wouldn’t be getting to see the children unsupervised either.

He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time.

Oh sure he will, the courts will be just falling over themselves to let such an amazing father have 50/50 custody

"He's told me if I divorce him he will get the kids 50% of the time."

He's a fucking drug addict for fuck's sake.
Skip "family therapy" and get legal advice.
Try Women's Aid and/or the Rights of Women family law helpline.

The people who I know who have the 'strongest' recovery via rehab usually stayed for months - and often were begging to stay longer. They appreciated the value and wanted as long as possible to do as much work on themselves before attempting to live normally again.

The people who bounce in and out for a couple of weeks here and there invariably end up going back to their addictions and, sorry but it's true, quite a few end up dead.

If you work there, can you find out how much he transferred to his own account? I hate to think of the tax situation if he's been helping himself.

He wouldn't get 50:50 and he wouldn't want it, either. It would stop him enjoying himself.

OP, rehab has a tiny percentage of success the first time. Paired with the fact he's not prepared to be transparent with you, it's not sounding very hopeful I'm afraid. Especially as nothing changes for him, no consequences to his actions, so no reason to make a change. He wants you to carry on like before and not question him.

Apologies if already suggested, but are you having separate counselling yourself for the co-dependency? Believe me when I say living with an addict who doesn't want to stop is a living nightmare