20 year old son is taking drugs

[Kesykaey]

Hi, I’m new on here and I’m looking for some help and advice. Since my son was about 16 we have had a very turbulent relationship where he knows best and everyone is wrong! I have always suspected he may be taking drugs but my family said I was wrong it’s all in my head and it’s him growing up. His mood swings over the years have literally gone from bad to worse and he’s just not with it he’s distant, goes out in the dead of night at the drop of a hat. He absolutely hates us and the abuse we get from him is now unbearable. You can’t sit him down for a chat he talks over you and usually ends up with an F off to us. He’s lost a lot of weight and looks terrible. We are a normal family who have given him everything we possibly could, he has a loving 16 year old sister who is also upset with what he’s become. Anyway tonight I have had enough and while he was out I thought I’d have a look on his PC to see if I could find any evidence and his phone has downloaded on to it and revealed he is taking ketamine and cocaine. My husband sent him a screen shot of what we’d seen. He phoned up and gave his dad a lot of abuse for snooping. My husband calmly spoke to him and said we want to help him and love him so very much etc. He came home in a flying rage and took some things and left! Obviously we are heart broken and don’t know where we go from here? Any ideas or help would be very much appreciated and really at my wits end! Just can’t cope with this!

Hi, I'm really sorry your going through this. I'm not sure what advice I can give you.
Other than keep reaching out to him, and be there for when he wants your help.
At about the age of 16 I started using drugs and drinking excessively. The reason for this was I really struggled with life, felt like I didn't fit in with anyone, didn't know what I wanted in life, struggled with undiagnosed depression and anxiety and ended up falling in with the wrong people, drinking and taking drugs. I took my stuff and left home at 18 but my parents never stopped reaching out to me.

For me what was unhelpful was the labels and things my family said about me, for example, alcoholic, druggy, selfish, disgusting, and more. My parents were obviously desperate to get me back and safe but all these things they would say made me feel misunderstood and like I could never ever speak to them honestly.

What was helpful in the end was looking into the reason behind why I wanted to use, instead of focusing on the actual drug use.
Someone found me a substance misuse service in my area that worked with me, and explored all these things. Maybe you could speak to a GP or look up if there are any substance misuse services in your area and see if your son can engage with them?

When I worked with services I didn't stop straight away but they gave me an education around drugs that kept me safe and gave me information that potentially saved my life? If you could get something for your son, education around drugs maybe really helpful so he knows how to keep himself safe.

Maybe it's also worth looking into what services are available for parents in your area, so you could get some support and expert advice?

I stopped smoking, taking drugs and drinking alcohol completely almost 3 years ago. I hit a rock bottom, and reached out for help, and my family where there when I did and I'm glad for that. Just don't give up on him, and be there for when he wants the help, also really recommend looking into substance misuse services and if there's anything that is especially for young people.

I really hope things get better for you and your family and wish you the best of luck.

Thank you so much for your message. I just feel like I have hit a brick wall and can’t do anything about it. I have done exactly what your parents did through sheer frustration because I don’t understand! Reading what you have said has actually helped me to realise I have to try to change my approach if I haven’t blown it already with him. I keep telling him how much we love him over and over but it’s like he’s lost his love, care and respect for us and he couldn’t care less. I won’t give up, I will keep trying to help him just want my boy back so badly. Well done to you for getting through this so fantastic to hear and now you’ve helped me too! Thank you xx

Just be there for when he wants to change, keep reaching out to him and hopefully he will take it. I hope you get your boy back, your doing an amazing job. Stay strong, and look after yourself too

Thank you xx

Hello, I work in the alcohol and drug industry, so hopefully can help. All alcohol and drug misusers are doing so in order to change the way they feel. As all feelings start with thinking, in order to change how we feel (and then act, that is, using a substance) we must look at the thoughts behind the feelings.

There are many ways to get well from addiciton. The first thing most parents do when they find out a child is addicted to something is to confirnt with anger, chastise, warn etc. I'm not saying you're doing htis but this is generally what hapens. This rarely works. What Elmer123 said above is right. You just need to be there. Support is the most important thing. Most people with an addiction simply can't help themselves. They don't have the power to stop using themselves. Having said that, families rarely have the skills to help addicts.
I o=would suggest calling Narcotics Anonymous (NA) There are numbers on their sites: www.na.org or for the UK: ukna.org/

Reassuring your son that help is available, you are there fo rhim and that he can live life another way is important. Most addicts can't imagine life without drugs as it's their crutch.

I hope it all works out.