I think my husband's an alcoholic. What do I do?

[churchmouse84]

That's it.

He drinks about 2 bottles of wine on a Friday plus two bottles on a Saturday. Sometimes spirits too.

It's not so much how much he drinks but how he drinks. It's often alone after I've gone to bed. I can't remember him going a weekend without drinking.

He's started smoking again too.

My main worry is he insists on driving the next day and refuses to acknowledge how much he drinks.

If I talk to him about it he gets very angry and defensive.

What do I do?

But not taking the kids in the car is a line i can't let him cross

You're still not there in understanding your need to set your own boundaries.

What is unacceptable is that he has sole parental responsibility for your son, having been very heavily drinking.

This isn't your FIL's responsibility to manage. You should have not allowed your son to go with your DH.

So why didn't you?

DS is 12. And is with DFIL & DBIL too. So although DH is the only parent there he's not the only adult.

I think I'm comfortable with that boundary for now.

That is what enabling is - making it easier for him to continue drinking by managing life around his alcoholism.

• just because your DS is 12 doesn't mean he is old enough to have to face the effects of alcoholism.
• it is not DFIL or DBIL responsibility to override your DH parenting role, should it be required
• If an accident happens, who's fault will it be?

As @Squeegle said, make sure you educate yourself about alcoholism. It was an eye opener to me to see how much my behaviour was enabling, and what I could do to change things

Where would I go for information about enabling?

I definitely do this.

Al-Anon, vivarium.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria definitely Al Anon. Or there is a group called CoDa I believe, for codependent behaviour which may suit you more. I'm a recovering alcoholic who's been in AA for nearly 11 years so clearly a fan (!) but I appreciate that it doesn't work for everyone. Regarding comments earlier in this thread, there's a subtle difference between being a heavy drinker and an alcoholic; I'm not even sure that I can explain it but "we" just know. I didn't drink to excess until I was 29, was happy all through university and training in the City with one Diet Coke and wondering what everyone saw in alcohol.

It's not how often or how much. It's how you drink that defines an alcoholic. We tend to drink to blackout, with no respect for anything or anyone that might come in our path. We can easily go days, weeks, months without a drink but revert to our old ways within one drink. You kind of know if you're one of us, it's not a select nor an enviable group to be in.

I’ve been living existing with my husband for the last 5 yrs every 4 weeks he goes on a bender 2 bottles of vodka a day me and my kids have to move upstairs why he does this it’s hell I’ve tried to get out and carry on trying to get out the system makes it impossible I am currently I’m my bedroom been here for 5 days now my husband has been arrested for drink driving 4 times over the limit and carry’s on driving I Hope I’ve made someone feel better off now for there situation

Start making plans to leave him. My father was an alcoholic. My mother had a shit life even when he gave up. Save every penny you can and make a life for yourself and your son. If your Dh isn't even willing to engage in an adult conversation about it then he is a long way off admitting he has a problem. Put yourself and Ds first now.

emms - this is an old thread. You'd be better off starting a new one just for you.

Thankyou I'm new don't really know what I'm doing but Thankyou

Read up on codependency. Alsonattend AlAnon meetings for partners of people with alcoholism. You take care of YOU number 1.

My stbxh is a heavy drinker, he would actually sit outside under an umbrella in the rain so he could drink and smoke, whilst me and dc were inside. After work he always had to go to the pub for a wind down despite me working too. Always had to speak to such and such who happened to be in the pub. He never thought it was a problem because it was evenings but I thought, and still think, he's a functioning alcoholic. We split up and it's not my problem anymore