Bipolar and addiction

[revoveryishard]

I am so close to the edge I feel like one small touch will push me over and I won't recover.

I have bipolar 2 diagnosed last year ( late as I'm in my 30's) and my hypomanic states involve usually involve, sex with anyone, saying inappropriate things (these have often got me sacked from jobs), talking fast, being very busy and finally ending with an alcohol binge that leads to cocaine.

I had almost 8 months under my belt and some major things happened in my life and the stress caused an episode. It was a longer than usual episode and I came crashing down like a rock. 3 months later o had a nervous breakdown, was drinking and have take coke 3 times, twice when at home when my kids were in bed. I am so ashamed, I know a lot of this so my illness but I have to stop drinking. I asked what I can do when I'm manic and the Dr and mental health team have said nothing just to ride it out!

I know the answer is not to pick up in the first place but when I'm manic and agitated and anxious, alcohol blocks it all out and I feel great for a few hours. Problem is after I feel 10x worse and that's where I am at the moment.

I feel like an awful mother and person In generally am full of self loathing and don't know how I can pick myself up....again! I'm exhausted, find being a mum extremely stressful as I do it alone with hardly any help from exh and just want to give up.

I have started hypnotherapy, am going to almond support group, have excellent family support but I just feel like absolute shit.

I'm scared people may find out 2 and I don't want to loose my kids. If that happened I would go over that edge and my life will be over 😢

That all all sounds shit for you . Are you on medication at all for the bipolar?

Yes. A mood stabiliser, antidepressant, diazepam at the moment to deal with the anxiety and sleeping tablets. They are looking at upping my mood stabilisers but I am ale sabotaging as drinking stops the mess working and could damage my liver. Apparently after 2 weeks sober I'll start to feel better but that feels like a lifetime away 😢

Do you have reasonable access to the crisis team or MH unit to alter your medication if you can tell you're going hyper? I have heard of some people having some autonomy on altering the doses themselves, but not my experience of the system unfortunately. I gave up drinking completely for similar issues, and it does make it easier to cope with the bipolar stuff. Any way you could clear your calendar of unneccesary stuff for the next couple of weeks to give it a go? Or would that just be impossible? Do you have any family help?

Sorry, I see that you have family support. Enlist them maybe?

What I try to do, if I can feel I'm 'speeding up', is to make my world smaller, and slow it down a lot. Spend time holed up in my room, watching non-triggering/stimulating tv, having baths etc. Excercise and yoga help (you tube videous) and I also have the Calm app installed on my phone. I often fall asleep listening to it, which is not the point of the app, but I badly need enough sleep if hypo to stop it going full blown. I write my sleep down, and if I am consistently getting less than an average of 6 hrs a night I might arrange to see the doctor. A lot of this depends on your work situation/home situation though.

I am under review for meds again and they are probably going to increase my mood stabilisers. I have the calm app also and listen to it to go to bed but I also have sleeping tabs to help. It's just so awful when I feel manic, I told a friend and my dad and they just don't really understand. I feel like such a failure and absolutely miserable. It's only day 2 of no drinking so that's why I feel so bad 😢

Just heard I have been allocated a community mental health nurse which is good and she is coming around tomorrow. I just want this endless cycle to stop and to have a happy healthy life with my kids.

I understand. You will start to feel better not drinking, I promise. I think its difficult for people to understand, if they haven't been there. I liken it to being the 'chad' figure, hanging over the wall, barely clinging on to sanity. Things should be better with a mental health nurse. I found things got a bit easier as my DD got older. If you want to pm me, that's fine.

Thanks. It's just hard to accept this will be with me for life but I need to learn to manage it and giving up the drink will make it 10x better, I just don't know how I'll stop if I'm manic and have no control? Apart from taking diazepam if I notice I'm acting differently.

Apparently we are less likely to go manic as we get older. I find I've levelled out a lot now. There used to be courses to go on to help self manage bi-polar, don't know if you have access to anything like that. Maybe the community nurse will know.

I hope it does leave out, what I don't understand is that I didn't have an episode for 8 months and have now had 2 in 4 months. I'm exhausted, embarrassed, ashamed and fed up of letting everyone down. The guilt really gets to me and i know I'm ill but I still feel responsible. I'm just hoping and praying this time I will get batter and be able to manage the triggers. At the moment I don't really notice until it's too late, how do you notice? Maybe it's something i need to learn over time 🤔

I learnt over time, tbh. I sort of start to feel 'speeded up', and have lots more energy. If you look back, there may have been some stressful stuff around for you that might have started you to to go hypo? Try not to feel guilty, its brain chemicals, you can't help it. I started to make a note of when I was going hypo, and there does seem to be a rough pattern to it, in terms of times of year.