I think I'm addicted to cocaine

[Fellia]

I don’t take it everyday. But I have been taking it on and off for 11 years. It has gone from 3/4 times a week to once a fortnight and everything in between.

It’s got to the point where I cannot go out for “drinks” without thinking about it. And the more drinks I have the more likely I am to order some.

It’s always on the back of my mind. When I take it I feel amazing and then the next day I feel like shit (depending on how much I’ve taken/ drunk - sometimes I pretend I’m fine and it’s a one off)

I never miss work, I function like a normal person day to day but I just cannot shake this thing which is on my mind all the bloody time. Even when I’m not taking it.

If I stop for a few weeks I forget how bad the comedown is and will order some.

It’s like a never ending cycle and I don’t know how to get out

Well done for posting, that's the first step. Maybe talk to your doctor and/or look for a support group in your area, like NA?

Thank you for replying. I don’t think I could face my GP. It’s more embarrassment than anything which I know is stupid.

I think you're so brave to recognise you might need some support and ask for it.
I've not been in that position, but I'd imagine NA would be a great place to start. No disrespect to GPs, but I don't see what they could do for you other than to signpost you to other services.

Try speaking on this thread:

Just Surf, feat Lost and The Small Mercies
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/substanceaddictionn_/3043192-Just-Surf-feat-Lost-and-The-Small-Mercies

Felia I would second glitter and say please contact NA or AA. I had pretty much the same pattern as you, just could not break that addiction cycle. I know it’s not for everyone; but the 12 step programme was the only way to free myself. I am now four months sober and really living.......not just surviving

Hi @flatwhite45 , just wanted to say congratulations! 4 months so far is an amazing achievement!

Thanks Glitter, it does feel amazing I have to say. It’s such a shitty drug to get off, not so much physically, but the psychological pull is overwhelming. How are you doing Felia? I

Well done Glitter that’s fantastic, sorry for the late reply and thanks Pp for the link to that thread I shall check it out.

Sorry meant to say well done to flatwhite and thank you to Glitter! Why isn’t there an edit button

Yes well done for posting. I am just out of a 5 year relationship where my partner took it and I didn't. He hid it from me for the first 6 months of our relationship. I could see the toll it took on him. He couldn't. At weekends he barely got off the sofa except to play golf. He didn't have much energy. It affected our sex life - he either was too tired or wanted drug induced sex once a week/fortnight, not very romantic. The drug was ruining him and making him old before his time. He could be bad tempered and agressive. We argued about it. We lied to his family about why we were arguing. It ruined me. I have a very dear friend 9 years clean with NA. He now councils and supports others. He has helped me on my journey to understand the damage it has done to my ExP. Try NA. I hear such good things. Good luck. x

I had/have a similar history. On and off for 10 years or so.. never daily, usually a few times a month but these would be long endless out of control binges often using on my own.

I decided in September to get rid of all my local contacts, luckily my druggie friends are all in another city although I would occasionally use with DH (although he is someone who can take it or leave it and would never think to get his own)

For me I just kind of got tired of it, and admitted to myself after years of thinking I could handle it that I really couldn't.

I'm still not 100% out of the woods now, I still have a dealer in the other city which is 200 miles away, couldn't let go completely, but I only go there a few times a year now and I fell out with my best druggie friend a while back so I 'm there a lot less than I used to be, used to plan these epic weekend benders and come back broke and sick.

Last time I got some it was more out of habit than anything, and I almost couldn't be bothered to go through with it.. afterwards I realised I'd not really enjoyed myself all night... I think I feel so bad about using now because of all the bad memories that I can't really let myself get in to it as before.

So if I don't enjoy myself on it anymore, and I certainly don't enjoy the aftermath I'm coming to the conclusion what is the point?

I am slowly cutting ties with my druggie mates/lifestyle and hope to be completely abstinent soon.

It is a bitch the way it gets hold on you.

Hope my story can give you some hope that even after long term use you can beat it. I know I'm not there yet completley but I'm 1000 times better than I was at my worst.

So what I think I am trying to say is, can you put in any 'roadblocks' ie deleting /blocking dealer's number, cutting ties with using friends.. for me it was the only way. Change your mates and your playground. I only have two people in my life now who use - my brother (very occasional, a few times a year and lives miles away) and a friend who uses ocasionally but not coke (she does speed which I hate)

Having said that, I was ready for it. If you're not ready to stop you'll find a way around those road blocks, houdini-like. I think we all now the thing of deleting a dealer's number on a Sunday but somehow retrieving it from phone records or other people when Friday comes around! But if you are ready they may just help.

I've been through this and the only way you can do is stop seeing the people you do it with. I still do it on a big night which is every couple of months which isn't ideal but I don't feel bad. At my worst point was doing it about 3 nights a week and then recovering the next day which takes up your whole week really.

How are you Felia? I am now seven months clean as sober. The 12 step programme has transformed my life. It’s not the only way I know. But I just wanted to communicate that there is hope

Fully recommend NA. I know so many people who've been helped by 12 step programmes for a rant of issues.

Have you tried CA? Being supported by others like minded is often the most beneficial

Hi all, OMG, I can't tell you how glad I am to have found this thread. Although obviously it's sad to hear someone is struggling. I think you are very brave to have posted this. I've been really scared to, incase the police come or something!
Can I first apologise for my small novel I'm about to write? Need to get it out. :(
I am struggling, I just wondered if I could just have support?! (although I wouldn't be surprised if people wanted to be angry with me)
4 years ago my husband started taking coke, as a result of us becoming friends with a very nice couple, who are super smart and professional and high achieving, etc etc. But who also don't seem to worry about their health! They drink and smoke and take coke regularly.
I think my husband thought it was pretty cool (sad, I know) as he'd reached the ripe old age of 40 and never touched drugs. He realised he liked it...He's not really a drinker.
SO, of course I found myself in a situation with the 3 of them, and basically I'm a sheep. I follow the crowd, I don't like being on 'another level', so I took it too. I'd never have taken it had I not been drinking though. I also smoke with them. I hate smoking!
Now we have it every other weekend. It's always my friend / husband who instigate it. They buy it, I wouldn't know who to ask. They love it.
I take it, and I hate it, but I still do it. (I must kind of like it....It's got a real pull) Because of the quantity you have to order, we often find ourselves "finishing it off, so it's not there. We'll not do it next weekend". That can often mean taking it to get through the next day, since we've depended on diazepam to sleep from the night before and generally had very little sleep.
I have 2 kids. I love them more than I thought could be possible. And I know I'm a god mum. But we do it upstairs, with them in the house! I mean, what the hell?!
I spend days after feeling like shit, I have panic attacks, pain in my arm and chest, huge anxiety. So of course that's my body telling me to stop! But I can't seem to convince my husband to stop, and I can't seem to stop if he has it. (I think I thought I was helping him by halving his consumption. I know, stupid.)
I spend my days worrying I'm going to die. I can't cope with it.
I'm a healthy eating fitness freak. So this is all wrong.
I just can't seem to limit my drinking, which leads to coke-taking, which includes smoking fags.
I'm really scared.

Not god mum. A good mum! But am I? :(

tired if you have no willpower to not indulge and I get it. Last party I went to with a certain group of friends I quickly realised they were all on E. It didn't make me want any though and was tiresum by 10pm to be around all these people on drugs. You need to cut contact with the crowd who take it. Tell your husband that includes him as well.

If there was an emergency with one of your kids and you had to go to hospital while off your face then they will notice. Do you really want that kind of attention?

Time for a proper conversation with your husband and give him his choices

Focus mentally on all the poor people killed, enslaved, or in other ways brutalised by the drug trade abroad. That will surely put you off.

I was addicted to coke, then crack and heroin, for a long time. The only way I can stay away is by not drinking alcohol because if I do my willpower just goes. And by deleting/blocking dealers numbers, and avoiding people I used with.
It's hard and can be lonely but it's absolutely possible and so worth it. You can pm me if you want to

Tired I could have written your post. The husband, being early 40’s, the kids the taking it the next day.... my using got worse where we were doing it every weekend then twice a week. I tried for a year to stop on my own but in the end had to go into a 12 step programme, it’s been a total life saver. It’s not religious, no one will judge you and it totally works. Please google your local CA or NA or AA