My husband can't stop gambling and I'm out this time after 23 years!!!!

[Helpstoptime]

I am 50 years old, my husband is 61. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am petrified. I sent my husband a Whatsapp yesterday afternoon which said "I want a divorce, it's over" I now need the immense strength and courage to carry this through but I don't think I have it. I'm gripped by an icy fear of loneliness and uncertainty, totally petrified.

We have been married for 23 years and have two beautiful children aged 11 and 14. I have spent 23 years trying and wanting to believe that he would stop gambling. I now know that very rarely does a gambler ever stop. I have endured 23 years of worry.....casinos, betting shops, scratch cards, lottery tickets and online gambling. I am very stupid. I believed he was no longer gambling online. I turned a blind eye to the excessive lottery tickets (around 10/15 tickets per week) because after 23 years I've learned to pick my fights battles.

I tried to put through an online payment yesterday from our joint account and there they were, reams of online gambling payments, over £500.00 last week alone, £289.00 one day. Why?????? He controls all our finances, always has, never allows me to know anything or get involved. He lies constantly about how much things cost he brought a car a month ago which I now know was 4k more than he said. He just turned up home in it, no discussion, nothing. He needed one badly and we'd talked about it, but he spent way over what we'd agreed and lied to cover it up.

I know you are all reading this and thinking what a total moron I am and you're right. I'm just so tired and worn down from a lifetime of checking up on someone. Can I survive this? I have no idea how to move forward, I'm frozen with the terror of what else he has done.

I hope that your post above is the last time you will ask 'why????'. You will never know why an addict engages with their addiction, it defies logic but - more importantly - it isn't your problem. It sounds like the addiction has been the third person in your marriage (to use Diana's phrase) this whole time. Now it's time for you, and putting yourself first at last.

Financially you need to sever ties between you and your H as soon as possible. I'd imagine you have no idea what debts he may have accrued over the years? I assume that his (unreasonable) control over the finances is only possibly because you don't work? Or has he been controlling your own wage as well? Assuming the former, it's time to start looking for a job, as well as what benefits you may be entitled to.

In terms of accommodation, are you hoping he will move out so the children's lives are less disrupted? Do you have a back-up plan if he refuses to go?

In terms of your fear of the unknown, I think you should be more afraid of the known. You know exactly what the rest of your life will be like if you stay. How will you manage when it's his pension that he's gambling away and there's no realistic prospect of more money coming into the pot? It's essential that you get away before it's too late.

Have you told anyone in real life yet? Breaking down the secrecy that surrounds an addiction is both liberating and essential for you to gain the strength to break out of its orbit. All the while it's a secret, he will know that you don't seriously mean it when you say you want a divorce.

How much money can you ring fence where he can't touch it? You have access to the joint account, can you move the money elsewhere? If you don't have an account of your own, this is the first job for today.

Good luck - you can do this.

I can't add much to the excellent post above other to say well done, I too had a 20 year marriage with someone who was a secret gambler (among other things).

Initially it felt very scary to be alone but actually after a little while I loved the freedom. You can do this.

No advice, but a big WELL DONE 👏👏👏 and welcome to the rest of your stress-free life!

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Nothing can be worse than this.

Can you afford to leave? Do you own the house?

Do you have any debt? How does he find his addiction?

Thank you for all of your kind words. I am new to mumsnet (haven't posted for ten years I guess) so forgive me if I'm a bit rusty. Trying to figure how this all works.

Trying to condense this and not go on too long. To answer your questions Tribpot I work three days a week, get a small wage which is paid into my personal account. Our joint account is overdrawn by £250.00. He has an account in his own name with Barclays, god only knows what that looks like. Two months ago he received 24k from an old policy he cashed in, paid into his personal account. Since getting this he has really upped the gambling with the looks of what I found yesterday. I have 7k of my own money plus about 5k in shares, none of which he can touch and we have a very tiny mortgage. We are partners in a business with another couple (I won't say what it is on here) but I know nothing of what goes on, am never invited to meetings or included in anything. I am a director in name on,y and have no involvement whatsoever. I know there are debts and our home was used as security for the loan ten years ago.

I am just in the process (or was) of starting a small business that requires no financial outlay other than a small amount (less than £100) for advertising and I have just got my first customer.

I have been here so many times in the past. We have split up twice, once for a year and then for six months but he came begging telling me he'd lost 15k and I let him come home as I was terrified if I didn't we would be lose our home. You see I am weak. I have no one, parents deceased and no siblings or living relatives and few friends. I don't think I can do this. He has no pension fund as he cashed that in last year (was only 15k) and I know he will now quickly get rid of the 24k on his addiction.

Is there anyone who has been in a similar position and survived. I know nothing of our finances as he has controlled it our entire life. I am dumb and clueless and have no idea where to turn. I'm so afraid!!!!

He will always say "have I not looked after you financially and provided for you all"? And bizarrely the answer is yes. Somehow he has done that and has never been mean or tight and our children have what they need etc but two years ago our Lloyds account was put into debt collection (can't remember the correct term) which blacklisted me too as it's a joint account. The problem is like most gamblers he lies so much I have lost sight of what the truth is.

My son who is 14 knows everything, my daughter not so much. He is starting GCSE's next year (year 10) and I'm terrified it will affect him. Both my children are exceptionally loving and kind and have never given me one moment of trouble or worry. They deserve so much more.

Has anyone been as stupid as me and survived?

Please forgive long post but there is so much to explain.