Alcohol support - DH don't know how I can help

[Mehfruittea]

But I don't know how he can keep on with things the way they are.

He doesn't think he's an alcoholic, but does accept he drinks too much and it's a problem. He has always drunk to excess, as do all them men in his family and his best friends.

There never seems to be a point where he can see how much of a problem it causes. He had a breakdown a while ago, after having spent 4-5 years of drinking every day minimum 6 cans of strong larger but often add a bottle of wine and 1/4 bottle of spirit to it. DS is hard work and DH is very caring, does a lot for us in the house and works in a stressful job. He drinks to unwind, but stays up late to keep drinking, then tries to be amazing on only 4 hours sleep with a hangover. We argue over petty things, irritable and short with each other. I have chronic pain and find it hard to contain my irritability when I'm trying to keep a lid on my pain.

Last night I had a glass of wine. I don't drink very often, once a month, and he finished the bottle off. I fell asleep and woke This morning when DS came in to our room. Daddy have you had a nose bleed? Deep red/brown sick all over his side of the bed under his pillow. We stuck with the nosebleed excuse and DH cleaned it immediately while I distracted DH.

There's been countless nights where I've stayed up, shaking him awake to be sick and scared he will drown in his own vomit if I don't. Then we argue big time and nothing changes. I was too exhausted to wake last night when he was sick and he was to drunk. He could have died. I know I can't make him change. I don't want to leave him or threaten. What can I do? I don't want our son to walk in one day and say eurgh have you been sick? Or worse case, find his dad dead. Am I over reacting?

But you can't quit for him and if you're unwilling to leave what solution do you see?

I'm the child of an alcoholic and it was hell and the only thing I've ever blamed my mum for is that she didn't get rid of him.

What would you like to happen?

He's a wonderful Dad. I want him to control his drinking. He thinks he can, and often tries too. He has gone 1-3 months without drinking. The impact is low level depression, bickering and then these kind of occasional episodes. Life could be so much better without the drink, but life isn't shit right now.

Is there anything you think would have got your dad to cut down or drink sensibly?

He sounds like a classic alcoholic i'm afraid. It doesn't sound like cutting down is really going to work. He has to recognise he has a major problem. If he isn't willing to face up to that , you have no future with him. Do you want your kids growing up thinking this is normal or acceptable behaviour? It sounds really sad and very worrying, please don't minimise how serious this is. If he won't go and get help - GP, AlAnon whatever, you need to give him an ultimatum.

I'm afraid that my dad simply never had the willpower to prioritise his family and himself over drinking [shrug].

But make no mistake, living with him shot my mental health to pieces and I spent his last couple of years wishing him dead.

It's tragic and a bit of me does understand it must be terrible to see someone you love hurting themselves and hurting you and not being able to stop.

But you haven't caused this and you can't fix this, only he can.

I know AA isn't for everyone, but it could be a good start. Would your DH be willing?

Also have a look at issues children with alcoholic parents are predisposed to- becoming alcoholics themselves, anxiety, depression and even food addictions. Hell, tell him to read about it, maybe it'll be a wake up call.

That's a a vast amount of booze he's drinking.

And, the thing is, it gets worse. A family member of mine has been an alcoholic in denial for decades. Now, approaching 60, his life revolves around booze. He misses family functions because he's rather stay home and drink to oblivion. His daughter fretted that she'd ruin her wedding. He's had numerous seizures happen out of the blue, including one at the wheel of his car (and he lied to the police and said he was reaching for something in the back of his car and lost control. Didn't want to lose his licence on medical grounds).

Being a good dad isn't enough, especially when your son witnesses horrible things and will continue to do so.

And as for you, being woken up by him vomiting and having to help him? What a grim life. I'm sorry you're having to life like this OP, but you don't HAVE to, you know.

Thanks for your comments. He doesn't want AA but is reading a book about taking control of alcohol. His Dad is a heavy drinker and so his drinking has always been 'normal' for him. I'd say every other part of life is pretty good (apart from my disability and the shit that brings, but that can't change). If he had 2 beers a night and stopped or drank only 2 nights a week, I'd feel a bit better about it. I know health problems haven't caught up with him yet and he doesn't behave badly when he's drunk; except verbal diarrhoea and the occasional puking. It's been about 6 months since the last time he was sick, but he often gets hiccups and that's what keeps me awake and scared he's going to be sick.

I really don't know how to handle it. Obviously we need to talk, I have avoided it today while DS is awake but he will be asleep soon. Thing is, DH is already on his 2nd beer. I've always avoided serious conversations until sober, just because he forgets what he's said and can't remember the conversation at all!

I think I will ask him to stick to no more than 2 drinks a night. Wish me luck!

If his alcohol addiction is this severe I'm afraid he needs to quit, not just reduce as he'll just slip back into bad habits.

Would he accept to go to the GP for counseling especially as you say he gets bouts of depression?

I wouldn't bother having the conversation with him tonight as he's already been drinking, but maybe record it and let him listen to it when he claims he's forgotten it.

Could you explain to him the impact his drinking has on you? Or how would he feel if his son saw him drunk/ passed out and got frightened?

for you and if you need someone to talk to I'll be around until quite late tonight.

@Mehfruittea
Did you speak to your DH in the end or have you decided against it?

I really hope he realises not drinking can be the norm and is the norm for a lot of families.

Sorry but he has a serious problem with alcohol. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. He needs to stop. Or leave.