Gave in and took cocaine

[LadyRivers1]

Hi, not sure if this is the right place. I've been through a really hard year, left an abusive relationship, went through freedom programme etc and was starting to build a new life for me and my girls. Got a job in a bar, and became surrounded by people who do cocaine. I dabbled in it a long long time ago and I have never touched it since having the girls. This is the first time I've been around it in years and I've managed to hold out for months, but on Friday I took a line and ended up on a two day bender of coke and alcohol. I got my kids back on Sunday and I've been next to useless with them. I'd like to point out that I've never been under any pressure at all to do it, it was totally my choice but I'm feeling very vulnerable at the minute, I don't want to do it again but I'm scared that if I'm around it it's going to be too easy. Basically I feel like I'm on a slippery slope, I know this is addiction issues but I really want to nip this in the bud before it becomes a nasty habit. I feel like I've left myself and my kids down. I don't feel I can speak to any other of my friends or my mum because they are going to think less of me. How do I get out of this?

Lady rivers so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think the most important thing now is not to beat yourself up, that's only going to make you feel more vulnerable and more likely to make it a habit. Its great you have recognised quickly that this can get out of hand. It took me six months of using every weekend for me to see it could become a problem. Can you be explicit with the person/people whom you got it off, not to give you anymore even if you ask for it? Maybe fill up the next few weekends with plans, so you know you can't get wasted.

I think that's what I plan to do to be honest. I think the best way is to avoid the situation and I have my kids this weekend so won't be drinking at all and has fun stuff planned to do. All my money is tied up this month so I can't go out, but there is always that temptation there to go out eh? At least you recognised it, that's great. How are you now, do you still go out?

Print a photo of Daniella Westbrook keep it in your work bag. The inside of her nose died and she had to leave her job as she said the sepsis in her nose was bleeding and she felt people didn't want to see it. Sorry read it in the daily fail. Someone I knew ended up in hospital with abnormal heart rhythms after cocaine.
I think counselling will be helpful for you to get over your abusive relationship. I wonder if the cocaine was so appealing as you are self medicating? You may have depression.

That's a fair point actually. I have had counselling through women's aid but I think I might need more. I was having palpitations this morning and it wasn't good. Don't apologise for presenting me with the reality of it because that's exactly what it does, daily fail or not. Thank you, this is actually helping. I've had a massive reality check.

Lady rivers, I am way further down the line than you, that's why I feel hopeful that you can steer yourself clear of this horrible drug. I have cut down by 75% in the last two months, but can't seem to knock it on the head completely, it's an addictive cycle that is very hard to break. I do it at home with my husband, so unfortunately the triggers are everywhere. Don't feel alone and keep in touch on here, if you think it will be helpful 💐

Ah I see, is your husband the same as you? That's great that you've managed to cut it down even when it's in your home environment. The triggers for me are when I'm out, and there was a kind of inevitability about it if you know what I mean. I don't like it though, and I've spoke to the guy who would get it and told him not to give me any even if I ask, and I know he will stick to it because he did the same when I tried to start smoking again. Well, hopefully anyway. Thank you, I think this thread will be useful for me if I ever feel the need and come across triggers, I have so much to lose (as I'm sure we all do) if this gets out of hand, like I say the last time I did it was before kids and it was a very messy time. More than happy for anyone to pm me as well if feeling the urge.

I think it's great more people are willing to talk about this subject, surely the vale of shame can only exacerbate the problem further. You seem very 'on it' with regards to your issues, and the risks you could be taking. Keep strong x

lady don't beat your self up about it. You slipped and fucked up- you know you did but keep moving forward.

I'd sack working in the bar off as alcahol was my gate way too. I've had to totally avoid people that I know still do it and it's a shame as I really like one of my friends that do it but you can guarantee that if we have been out drinking she will start on it.

i could lie in bed and cringe and feel guilty for all the shit I've done over the years but the person I am now (and I had to change a lot ) is not that person any more.

You can reinvent yourself every time you wake up you just gotta make the changes you need to be the person you want to be.