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Original poster

Codeine

57 replies

AliceScarlett · 12/04/2016 21:22

Over a year off it and I bought solphadine today. So angry with myself. I wasn't feeling well at work, but now I just feel trapped and wrong. It wasn't fun, but today it felt better than sobriety. I'm such a twat.

OP posts:
YoJesse · 16/04/2016 02:36

Hi Alice,
don't beat yourself up about it but see it as another reason to get help. Someone advising me on another of my posts recently said that addiction is like a lift that only goes down. It really resonated with me. That fact you're acknowledging something is wrong is going to give you the strength to get off that lift before you go down any further. You need real life support too.

Strange you're up too. I've crept into the front room, feeling in a similar state, knocking back water and trying not to wake DH!!!! Bit of an expert in fucking myself over too. But, I'm getting support, just like you and am slowly turning it around. I started posting earlier this year saying 'my DH this, and that' and posters pointed out that I wasn't exactly the poster girl for clean living. My DH is high functioning and it's not a good thing as it alows everything to just go on in a bad state. He's amazingly talented in his job and has held it down but even his managers have been on the phone to me saying he needs to get help. They know whats going on. Scarily I've been working recently feeling like shit and scarier still that was becoming the normal. Smoking weed late into the night and or drinking before I go to work early the next day or more often looking after Ds (only work 2-3 days per week). I'm not so good at the high functioning bit and probably just come accross as a bit spaced out and not with it I don't know if I'm just being paranoid but I feel like the people running one o clock clubs and the like know what I'm up too. They give me looks. I'm trying to stop it now and listening to posters advice is really helping. But as I said before. RL help is needed too.

I hope you feel better soon and have a good weekend.

BastardGoDarkly · 16/04/2016 07:18

Oh Alice (and Jesse ) I know those 2am feelings so well. It's crap, and so not worth it, I'm on top of my drinking (for now, it's always iffy) but when I binge drink, I wake up wracking my brains for what stupidity I might have got up to this time. Awful.

Alice did your therapist get back to you?

Jesse they may know, they may not. But I know that feeling too. I hope you continue to turn things around, it's no way to live is it?

Try to be nice to yourself today Alice it's not the end of the world that you had a few drinks, you haven't bought any more codeine, and that's brilliant :)

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 16/04/2016 11:31

Thanks you two.

I'm coming to the realisation that I can't control any kind of mind/mood altering drug. When I look back at my life I've just gone from one drug to another.

I think by being in denial about my lack of control I'm just keeping this going.

DH is a recovered addict. He was wonderful this morning and said he was pleased I was thinking what he had been thinking for years!

OP posts:
YoJesse · 16/04/2016 19:26

Thanks for the support bastardgodarkly . You're right, feeling sick and paranoid for the first half of the day is no way to go on.

alice hope you're ok today. It sounds like you aren't ignoring stuff which is good. It's so easy to. It's good you got someone at home who really understands what you're going through.

BastardGoDarkly · 22/04/2016 12:11

How's it going Alice ?

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 22/04/2016 16:29

Alright, 6 days of completely sober now. Not bought Codiene or wanted too. The more I think about it the more I'm accepting that I cannot really control any kind of mood altering drug. I've never got to stupid levels with anything, like never drank in the mornings or anything, but I think I'll just go from one to another and thats not how I want live my life.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/04/2016 18:49

Brilliant :) well done

PotteringAlong · 22/04/2016 18:54

I've just read this whole thread and I think you're wonderful Flowers

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 23/04/2016 01:48

Thanks :)

Pottering that's very sweet, but it's early days, give it 6 months and I'll be happier with things... Or not actually as I did 1.5 year's before,
I stopped hurting myself about 8 years ago, the day after the 5th year I slipped, took my eye off the ball and wreaked it. Never stop being vigilant. I need that tatooed on Hmm

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FarelyKnuts · 23/04/2016 01:56

Day at a time Alice. Just for today. Too much long term thinking can mess you up and make it seem like an impossible climb.
Thinking of you.
I spotted you asking about DID on another thread (not stalking honestly!) but feel free to PM me.

GraysAnalogy · 23/04/2016 02:42

You're doing very well.

I was addicted to them. I still struggle with it - still prescribed it. The added problem is that I'm a HCP. It doesn't affect my work, but it made me feel like shit, like a fraud. That's the first time I have ever admitted that on this forum. hope it doesn't come back to bite me on the arse.

I was taking 8 at a time. Was having routine bloods and everything came back fine so I thought I was fine until it clicked one day that it's not fine. I'd go mental if it was anyone else doing that yet I did it to myself.

I took them because I liked the feeling, the relaxed feeling. Better than any anti-depressants I'd had. I would look forward to coming home and having them. My friends would talk about having wine and I'd be imagining popping tablets.

But then I'd run out and I found it hard to wake up, I'd feel like crap, achy, loose stools, all sorts.

You will have your wobbles, but the thing is you acknowledged it and got back on track. Thats good

PotteringAlong · 23/04/2016 08:25

One day at a time and I still think your marvellous. Flowers

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 23/04/2016 11:08

FarleyKnuts Nowt wrong with a good stalk Wink I've not been following that thread.
Well reminded about one day at a time. Too much forward thinking isn't wise. Thank you.

GraysAnalogy I'm a HCP too. I feel like such a fraud too. I think it just shows that all the knowledge in the world can't save you from addiction.
I don't think it will come back to bite you. We all cope in different ways, like you said it doesn't effect your job. Are you getting any help with it? 8 is... Idk, it's the daily amount isn't it, but obviously all in one go. I used to take the boots own ibuprofen ones just to avoid the paracetamol.

Thanks Pottering Flowers

OP posts:
GraysAnalogy · 23/04/2016 13:51

alice I was taking 8 at a time, about 3 times a day. I don't know how I didn't end up in hospital myself. It got to the point where I learned to separate the codeine and paracetamol and would do that. I didn't get professional help no, because I had this fear that it would get out and effect my job. I went cold turkey. I still have a couple every now and again even when I'm not in pain but that's like once a blue moon not every single day without fail. I don't have the dependancy anymore. But still the craving. I think it's more rife amongst healthcare workers than we know. I know a nurse I worked alongside had a problem with them too.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 05/05/2016 22:02

Crikey, I'm surprised you were not ill. Really glad you don't hardly take them anymore.

20 days sober. Feeling much better, brighter, calmer, I can see clearer now. 20 days is nothing in the grand scheme of things, but it's a good start, role on 20 years.

OP posts:
YoJesse · 08/05/2016 11:15

Congratulations on your sobriety Alice. Sounds like you're on the way to better days. Enjoy the sun Smile

wonkylampshade · 08/05/2016 22:41

Well done AliceFlowers - and keep going! 20 days is fantastic and it's great you're feeling so well.

My XP was taking 900mg per day at one point. It's horrible stuff.

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 17/05/2016 09:31

Over a month now and feeling confident. It's hard sometimes in the short term, but overall it's feeling really worth it.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 19/05/2016 17:16

That's brilliant, you've done so well.

Horsegirl1 · 30/07/2016 23:48

Anyone else out there struggling ? I need help asap

BIWI · 30/07/2016 23:50

What's up, Horsegirl?

Mummylyons · 30/07/2016 23:56

Hi, sorry to but in this thread but I know EXACTLY what your going through I am going through a very similar thing with codiene it's a pain in the arse and you always think il try agin tomorrow or when they are gone but somehow I always end up repeating the prescription ! I need help to much to afraid to admit to family as I've been warned so many times about how they will affect me xx hope you all didn't mind me posting here xx

Original poster
AliceScarlett · 31/07/2016 08:07

Post away everyone Star

OP posts:
Horsegirl1 · 11/08/2016 16:54

I am so ashamed I take far too much and don't know how to stop. I appear to have it all to friends and family but codeine is my confidence and without if I'm a miserable cow. I have everything a girl could want so why can't I just be happy with out this poison. I never took ANY drug or smoked and was prescribed codeine for a back problem and now I'm so hooked it's all.I can think about. I hate it when my script gets low. I get panacky and often by otc to tied me over till I get my script. It's so so shit and I'm disgusted in myself. I need off them but am so scared

Bambamboo · 02/09/2016 22:38

Just wanted some advice really, currently taking codine (have been for about a year) I no I take too much and don't need to tAke it but now I take it to stop me feeling shit, wondered about going to me gp, will he stop giving me codine straight away?