hate how I look

[without]

I hate how I look and feel.

I'm 44, been a single mum for 10 years, and not have a proper BF for over 4!

My kids are 18 & almost 16 so almost grown and flown.

I have very little in the way of a social life, very little spare income but work silly hours.

I wear nice clothes etc but it makes no difference, make-up doesn't suit me, and my hair always looks like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards... I look a bit like Stevie Nicks, or Stevie Nicks does corporate but without the eyeliner ;o)

Anyone got any idea on how I can feel better about myself; sort of on-line Trinny & Susanna or Jok Wan.

I'm not sure what your cash status is, but very "normal" shops do personal shoppers too with no obligation to buy. I believe Debenhams is one such example and as they have such a huge array of clothing I'm sure can help put you on the right track.

I'm probably going to get lambasted for saying this - but it sounds like the hair has to go!

It's a Saturday so stroll in to town and see if you can get a make-over done at one of the counters - no guarantee they'll get it right. I got one done a couple of years ago in Body Shop and walked out looking like Malibu fuckin' Barbie! Still, it gave me a giggle and it's not a look I'd normally have gone for...

As a slim, blue-eyed blonde you've definitely got a look that a LOT of men go for and a lot of women are envious of - and I'm sorry to hear you've been involved with a couple of shits who've clearly knocked your confidence.

Are your children in to style? If yes, why not ask them for some pointers - they'd probably be very flattered that mum was asking.

Beautiful nails always make a woman look classy! Lots of salons will do a 'mini manacure' that will give you the polished look for £10-15. Then you can get some ideas of colours etc.
Try a personal shopper who will give you ideas of things to wear that you may not have tried before.
And WOW size 8 and blonde! Bet your a stunner!

You are probably better looking than you think - it's your confidence that has taken a battering more than anything...

Can you think back to a time you wore something that made you feel fab? then maybe you can get a new version of it to suit your age now? I did this recently with a red spotty dress - the new version is longer and has wider straps but it still reminds me of the happy times in the summer i was 17 even though it's not the same dress iyswim?

Good luck

Get a haircut that works with your natural hair colour and type - that way it is easier and cheaper to maintain.

So go back to your natural colour, and if you have straight hair go for a straight style eg graduated bob and if wavy go for a style that embraces the waviness.

Go to model nights at the hairdressers to save money.

Light and very natural looking make up is the way to go - give a make up counter assistant this brief. I would say all you need to buy is foundation, mascara, lip stain to start with. Have your eyebrows shaped, this makes a big difference.

HAve a personal shopper session to see what suits you, buy one outfit but take notes on other things that suited you. Watch Gok's Fashion fix for ideas. Establish your body type and what will suit you with some internet research.

REgular exercise is good for self esteem if you don't already do this.

Good luck, most of us would be happy to be a size 8!!!

Ok - my hair is now a dark chocolate brown and I have bought some mascara, eye liner and lip stick...

Not sure I'm very comfortable with my new look but well, here goes....

Hi Without,

I've been following your thread as I generally hate the way I look too and just wanted to wish you the best of luck your new look.

You must keep us updated.

For me i always feel better with a haircut (trim) Im currently going to get my fringe reinstated after about 2 decades... sounds worse when I see it written here.

Another thing is eyebrow wax. Find clothes you are cofortable in and then dress them up a bit. For me its skinny jeans or combats. As for makeup if like me you find it difficult wearing lippie (as it slides off) try avons multi stick it works on eyes, cheeks and lips.

Good luck

Have you had any nice comments and what do tge kids say? Is your hair colour close to your natural colour? If new colour is a lot darker it may not suit your skintone.

It takes a while to get used to a new look, congrats on making some changes! Have you done a pedicure yet?

Newbie here, and saw the title whilst first time browsing...and my heart sank

Not wanting to get too deep with you, but changing how you look is the easy part. It's how you feel that I'd say needs the most attention. Address this first, and how you 'feel' you look will also get a boost.
A starting point would be to compile a list of things you like doing, or did in the past before the kids took over!
Then choose one and take action - all the better if the activity involves other people, as it sounds like your mind needs stimulating!
Re-discover yourself as an individual, then...and only then...take up all the great cosmetic tips you've been given to complete a new you.
Men love confidence as much as women love that in a man, so put the man aspect out the picture until you've got your strength back (otherwise you'll just attract the wrong type who'll exploit your lack of self-esteem).

Best of luck and don't give up!

For me I have gained in confidence by getting to grips with new things...so for example I had been a crappola cook all my life (never taught by anyone) until aged around 39..and now I cook all sorts and do lots of baking for charity events etc. my whole family is proud of my cooking skills and I cook from scratch so we all benefit from that.

I am also very unfit and unsporty but started the couch to 5k - haven't made 5k yet but I can now run without stopping for 10 mins which I am amazed by!

Agree with natalie that it is defintely about how you feel as well as how you look, but they do go hand in hand to some extent.

How are you feeling at the moment?

I had my colours done.

I feel so much better knowing what suits me, i buy my cosmetics through them too.

Google House Of Colour.

Well done, without, for taking those first steps.... how are things this week?

Well, 1 whole week wearing make up and getting used to my dark hair. I've bought some curling tongs to try out so I can add some proper curls...

I've never been one for hobbies so have nothing to go back to. I have bladder problems so running is an impossibility (that does nothing for my self confidence I can tell you), and I don't swim well so a lot of exercise is out.

I did used to cook years ago so maybe I could try pick that up again. I was never good but used to experiment far more than I do now. I have absolutely no talents whatsoever music wise, creatively or lingistically but maybe I could try some drawing.

I really do need to sort out my self-esteem issues so any more pointers would be useful

Without, I agree with natalie that what you need most is a massive dose of self esteem. You could even go to classes to learn this - they do exist. Or do The Artist's way course - as that really gets you to find out what you want from life in a really positive and fun way.

With hobbies, you don't have to be good at them. So long as you enjoy them and make some mates they're right for you. I'd probably do something girly first - like a salsa dance class or art to make some new friends.

I teach adult ed and one of my favourite things is secretly watching all these nervous single women starting a term and by the end of the year I overhear them mentioning a film they'd been to together or all meeting for lunch after term breaks up. They get a brilliant new social life along with class and end up doing other classes together or even going on holiday together. TBH I wish I could join them half the time as they seem to have so much fun.

Also invest in a new perfume as another sensory pick me up, may I recommend LOLA by Mark Jacobs.Make yourself feel special go for it.

two things which may sound weird or over the top but might help somehow

1. have you thought about counselling for yourself at all? sounds like you have not had great, healthy relationships in the past and having someone who could help you go throgh that a bit and understand that it wasn't all down to you and you (in your eyes) unattractiveness/unworthiness might be useful. I was receommnded a Human Givens counsellor by a GP friend before as they are fairly pro-active/non-hugely navel gazing (iykwim) and I must say the counsellor I had was great. It felt quite (I hate this word but am going to use it anyway) empowering to have someone like her in my corner, reminding me I wasn't actually crap!

2. meditation...I do regular meditation now...it's all about learning to be calm, to accept yourself, to allow things to come and go and realise not all of them are about you or matter - helped me a lot with self esteem isses - althogh I know it may sound weird!

Good luck without - totally agree that you sound like there isn't anything wrong with you at all (I'd kill for your figure btw) but that you've had a hard time and don't have much left in the sef-esteem tank - it can happen to any of us

Many thanks for the ideas. Counselling seems a sensible way to go, and maybe meditation too. I shall have a look for AE classes when term starts back as that probably would be a good way to meet people.

Wearing make-up is a big step for me; perfume may be one too far really but who knows. I like the name Lola at least and will check that out.

I'll let you know how I get on

Sorry to hear you have bladder problems - have you had this investigated?

I know a couple of people who have had minor surgery for this problem which has sorted them out. Hope you are not suffering in silence on this one?