Would you change your style to fit in with a group?

[onesinglepringle]

There's a group of mum friends I've known for about a year and we have recently started going out for meals as a group.

It's really nice, only I sometimes feel like they all have some unwritten communication or something, because they often all turn up wearing similar things!

It's all neutral, geometric patterns, similar hoop earrings etc. I think they are just on some wavelength that I am not (or maybe they follow fashion more than I do).

I tend to just wear colours and prints that I like, which aren't necessarily trendy but feel like "me". But I'm starting to feel like the odd one out. I'm a bit arty/ alternative so although I dress nicely (I think), I don't particularly follow what's on trend etc.

I really like these people though, our children are the same age and I really enjoy their company and chatting over dinner, it's nice to get out and have a nice meal once a month or so!

In my shoes, would you change your style to fit in more?

I'm not talking a complete overhaul but would you wear something a bit more neutral?

Last time I was literally the only one wearing anything colourful in a group of 8 people.... just not sure if I'm overthinking or if they are all secretly thinking WTF is she wearing... 😅

No way, they like you for who you are plus might be puzzled at you suddenly turning up dressed in beige or whatever. Be yourself.

Just be yourself, it's always a good option. Fashion forward looks are about to re embrace colour. It might take a short while to filter down to those who have taken into a neutrals groove they like. An indicator is the hoop earrings, which aren't very contemporary.

It's different, but I'm tall and have a group of old friends who are all under 5ft 3. Even in my flats, I feel conspicuous.

Do they even notice what you’re wearing? It sounds like they don’t as nobody has made a comment as far as I can see. Maybe it’s just your style thinking they all look the same, but in their eyes they think they all look very different?

If people want to get to know you or want to be in your life the clothes on your back have nothing to do with it.

Yes this is sort of similar. They are people I've met because I have a child the same age as them, so not necessarily anyone I would have otherwise connected with.

They are quite different to most of my other friends but as I said, I really like their company and chatting about our kids etc.

I don't think they would ever comment but they might be thinking I'm a bit 'out there' in my bright colours 😅

We were in the same antenatal group so I get invited because we're all on a WhatsApp group, but sometimes I think they all get on better with each other and I'm a bit of the odd one out.

Paranoia probably, I guess I want to fit in and be in their circle, it is all a bit 'high school' I know and I'm not normally like this! But do we ever really grow out of wanting to fit in and be accepted??

Yes, we do grow out of it.

It's actually quite strange you're even thinking about it after school!

There's supposed to be a switch from worrying if you fit in (teenage) to being comfortable with yourself.

Read up on the authentic self.

I wonder if you've focused in on your clothes but it's not the real aim of the concern. Most adults wouldn't consider a potential friend based on their style choices. You've got a new group of friends brought together through a shared experience and you're all still finding your feet in the group. You enjoy this group and want to maintain membership, so your thoughts have started looking at aspects of your identity that can be more easily tweaked, like what you wear, when what you want is to be accepted for who you are, which is not so easily tweaked but more reliant on the relationship being a good fit.

That said, we have company this weekend, and I am thinking about what I'll be wearing too. My clothes are noticeable and often commented on, but I'm feeling a bit shy and want to limit any focus on me.

Nah.

I mean, I sometimes play up an aspect of my style for certain crowds. If I’m meeting my old media friends (years since I’ve worked in the media), I’ll be slightly more fashion conscious. If I’m meeting up with my teacher friends, I tend to leave my very expensive trainers at home, as similarly to a previous poster I get the ‘fashionista/look at you with your fancy gear’ comments, which can be tiresome.

But I wouldn’t completely change my style to fit in with a group who all dress similarly (which in itself is a bit…weird).

No, I don't think we grow out of wanting to be fully accepted in our circle, wanting to belong. It hurts to feel excluded at any age.

But we do grow out of judging people purely on how they look or dress. If these women are pulling away from you because of what colour top you wear, that really is pathetic.

Stay strong - show them that a little nonconformity is nothing to be afraid of!

To be clear they aren't pulling away from me! (That I know of).

It's just that I notice that they are all very similar in the way they dress and to some extent the way they behave, and I am a bit different, but I like them 😊

I'm not really talking about completely changing my whole look, more just like... should I buy a more neutral top so I blend in a bit more... obviously I'd still need to like it.

But I think this thread has convinced me not to😅

This!

If they notice you changing your style to fit in, that will look weird. Don’t do this.

I did get comments, and to my face, ‘Ooh look at you, aren’t you trendy!’ type of thing. That was when I showed up in wide leg trousers (admittedly a few years ago when wide leg was less mainstream). As I’ve said, not in the least malicious, but tedious after a while.

It’s not so much about wanting to fit in but I don’t want to become a topic of conversation so I tone it down now. I wouldn’t do it if I saw them regularly but this is only a couple of times a year and I do enjoy their company.

I dress to feel good and express my personality. Not everyone will gravitate to my personality and that is not a bad thing. I don’t think you want to be making friends based on a personality that you don’t have OP.

This is very school girlish op, and shows a low self esteem and lack of self confidence, which I think you need to address.

I dress differently to my friends, as in I’m always well dressed, they are more jeans and t shirts, I can’t imagine changing how I dress so I look like them,

It's not particularly helpful to tell me I am being 'school girlish' - I doubt that ALL of them actually just happen to love neutrals and geometrics.

They are dressing for conformity and a lot of people do.

No way! Your style sounds brilliant! They probably all wish they could emulate you! Just be yourself. I honestly don't think adults care. And if they do, that's a reflection of their own hang ups, not ours. Just be your lovely self xx