I just want to feel cool again

[Jones3A]

If you are:

Roughly a size 12
Not very tall (5'4 here)
Super cool woman in your 40s (47 here)

And you are managing to look current and stylish, especially in warmer weather, I would love to know what sorts of things you are wearing?

I am feeling fat, frumpy, and like I have no business wearing many of the current trends, much as I'd like to. I've put on over a stone in the last year, and I don't love hot weather, so the combo is making me feel a bit eek, about the summer ahead.

One of my closest friends similar to me and embraces all of them, and pulls it off. I just feel very self-conscious by comparison.

I just read an article in a stylist email from today, about inexpensive items that look more pricey than they are. I quite liked a few of them, and went down a rabbit hole looking at ASOS design on their website. I can't help feeling like it all looks a little bit cheap, and if I try my luck at wearing it, I will just look crap and I am trying to dress younger than I am.

(Also for the record, I don't really subscribe to particular style being the preserve of particular ages, just trying to illustrate a point).

Specific items, brands, styles, all gladly received.

I wouldn’t worry about being too slavish to trends. But jeans are a good easy way to modernise your look. I’d try M&S who have an amazing range of styles and all around £30 (and great quality). I bought some barrel style ones and I promise they are surprisingly flattering!
Bung on a nice belt, a good quality white tshirt (Uniqlo have lovely linen ones for £25), a nice necklace or maybe even a little neck scarf if you’re feeling brave (!) and you’ll look chic and be comfy.

While jeans are easy, they might look a bit flat footed on the warmest summer days. Particularly in a season dominated by Bermuda shorts in every possible and previously impossible fabric. And balloon trousers in lovely light fabrics. They suit absolutely everyone.

On the other hand, I do agree you don’t have to race after every trend. (There’s no way on earth my everyday life would be improved by a pair of heeled flip flops.)

Was it the SheerLuxe newsletter? I signed up to that because I felt I might be better informed on new High St offerings - most of the emails go straight to Trash, but when I do open them I’m not really seeing anything exciting.

(Roughly a size 12, almost 5’3, super, super cool mid-sixties woman. 😄)

Have you spent any time on the Frankie Shop site? Really great for inspiration on colours, proportions and layering. And at this time of year very High St price-wise.

https://eu.thefrankieshop.com/

I'm a similar age and size, but a very casual dresser so this is maybe not that helpful.

My go-to stores are Cos, Arket, &OS, but I do get bits on ASOS, the odd thing from M&S/H&M. I also like Abercrombie jeans - I am hippy with a small waist and like the Curve Love range which accommodates a big bum. (I wear a 29 waist, the size chart is a total pita to navigate.) I find summer dressing much harder, partly because I live somewhere not especially summery weather-wise, and hate being cold - I much prefer autumn and winter clothes, but really not the weather!

Some recent outfits I've enjoyed have been:

M&S white linen mix midi skirt with a shirred waist, worn with a charcoal grey semi-fitted Cos tee and leopard print Adidas Samba trainers

Cos ecru/taupe barrel leg jeans, worn with a chocolate brown slightly cropped (sitting on the waist) oversized t-shirt from ASOS, and pale beige Birkenstock Bostons

Damson Madder pale yellow striped jeans, worn with a Ganni graphic t-shirt, and white Adidas Samba trainers

It's all kind of variations on a theme for me. I have a couple of pairs of the Cos barrel leg cotton trousers which I wore a lot last summer. M&S have done a "dupe" of them this year which are much thinner fabric but a lot cheaper if you wanted to dip your toe in. I quite like oversize on oversize but I know that is not "flattering" and is generally frowned upon, so you might need to experiment with tops to get a shape that feels good.

Agree with pp that jeans can be a good way of updating things if you can be arsed with the misery of trying loads on. I recently invested in a pair of Citizens of Humanity Ayla jeans which are a wide leg. They were ££ - but I absolutely love them and they look great with a basic t-shirt or striped top tucked in. (Again, size 29 waist in these is a UK 12.) Also agree that accessories can be very useful. I have a few beaded necklaces that sit at collarbone level (a tiger eye one I got on Etsy is a fave, and I recently got a turquoise one from Arket which is quite "I just came back from my holidays in Torquay") which are nice with a plain t-shirt, and I am a big fan of a smallish gold hoop earring. (Plus for me, red lipstick always, but whatever your "thing" is.)

Skinny flares, or boot leg jeans are my go to and they go with everything. I don't suit barrel/balloon/bf/wide leg as they just look ridiculous on me! I find less is more, don't try too hard, and wear what suits your shape.

I'm a similar size and age OP and I think the issue for me (and perhaps you too) is that we're quite small and so even small weight gains can make us look and feel fat. And when you're middle-aged and short and feeling fat, it's extremely easy to feel (and look) frumpy. So, some solidarity!

As to your dilemma, I think it's tempting to go for linen and loose clothes in hot weather - but actually I feel they are incredibly unflattering on me. Yes, they are cooler, but linen always looks crumpled and messy after 5 mins and loose clothes just make me look wider and actually I think wide-legged linen trousers on short, slightly overweight, middle-aged women are frumpy unless they're black. For me, loose white/stone/beige trousers are a no-no and just scream 'frump'.

So after much trial and error I've realised that I look better in tailored styles and I stick to a fairly limited palette of black, navy, white, grey and splashes of red and emerald (which work with my colouring). For keeping cool, I wear cotton as much as I can, avoid synthetic fabrics, and I avoid fast fashion. I think you can get away with cheap stuff when you're young, but when you're middle-aged it's better to buy fewer things, but better quality. I don't wear stiff fabrics or styles, because they make me look bulky. Also recently I've started to look at women in the public eye whose style I like and I try to emulate their look, because they all have stylists and I don't!

i have a similar approach to @Judystilldreamsofhorses (love the specificity of your necklace reference 😂 btw).

I love a midi skirt with pockets and flats, I like a cropped boxy tee and a racer-back vest. I also like a fitted vest with wide trousers. These are all outlines and combos I've loved for years, it's just now the shapes are perhaps a bit different. I wear a lot of cotton, linen (I will die on the hill that the whole point of it is rumpled-ness and that's fine with me really 😀) denim, and viscose mixes. I don't often wear really polyester but it deffo has it's place, when I want something to drape properly!

I wear tan leather sandals and plain black Tevas in the summer, and have a selection of vintage/ancient tan leather bags and a Rive Droite banana bag that I love.

I also have a very useful shacket and what of I think of as a French market jacket - you don't see them as much here but all the time on French markets. They're sort of collarless/edge-to-edge - a bit like the Roake Studios one but smaller and neater. Cheap and very useful!

I’m the same age, height and size as you and I’m living in v neck ribbed vests (from M+S, Uniqlo and Next) with range of bottoms - barrel leg linen trousers, wide leg striped linen trousers, light weight brown balloon trousers, denim Bermuda’s, a white cotton midi skirt or a utility style midi skirt. All worn with either Mary Jane flats or flip flops. If it’s cooler I tie a sweater around my waist or put on a cropped barn jacket or a boxy cropped denim shirt… hope that gives you some ideas!

I'm a little shorter, older and a 12-14.
Living in light colour jeans - currently levi 501 90's style with lacy boho style blouses in white or cream with bronze flipflops. Lots of similar blouses in Tk Maxx currently.
Or a khaki barrel leg trouser from Zara with white vest tops or above blouses.
Cotton skirt in white muslin or a crinkle black cotton lace edged handkerchief skirt from M&S worn with a vest or cream lacy camisole.
A ramie Nicole farhi blouse from Tk Maxx worn with light colour barrel jeans - old sienna miller.

Avoid ASOS design - you absolutely get what you pay for (speaking from experience)

I went into my nearest town last week for the first time in about 4 years. I caught sight of myself in a mirror in one of the shops and was shocked by how middle aged, dowdy and plain I looked. Unlike you however OP, my response has been that I will not go into town again and I will not look in shop mirrors anymore. So at least you are making the effort...

Ooh TYSSM for all these! Will sit and read them all this evening 🙏🏼❤️

You need to work out what your style is or what you want it to be otherwise you’re just going to be buying into random trends as they come and go. If you’ve found your three style words and worked out what you need your your lifestyle at least you can immediately bin off those trends which don’t work

I’m taller and chunky. Lucy & Yak Alexa trousers in plain colours are my hot weather got to trousers. Birkenstock Mayari or Adidas Gazelle Bold oN
my feet. Slightly fitted cotton or linen shirt tucked in for work. Scoop neck T for casual. Ancient linen blazer from Vinted via M&S seems to be doing a lot of heavy lifting at the moment!

This is such a good point. I’m a marketing lecturer and the three word thing is so important in branding - and this is essentially personal branding!

Another useful tip is to think on your life like an orange (or a cake if that’s your preference!) and “slice it” into segments depending on how you spend your time. Then if you realise you spend 20% of your time grubbing about after toddlers, 50% in a corporate workplace, 20% going out to fancy events, and 10% doing the garden and walking the dog, that’s - in theory - how your wardrobe should be roughly divided up. For me there would be absolutely no use in having loads of smart workwear or fancy black tie dresses, for example. (I don’t count lounge/home clothes in that, things like joggers or pjs that I wouldn’t wear outside, or exercise clothes. I do reformer Pilates so do have sweatshirts that cross over from my real wardrobe, but have leggings, vests etc that are purely studio clothes. I know some people do include those as a slice of the orange/cake though.)

I pretty much fit your criteria. I’m also told I look stylish by colleagues etc, but obviously it’s a matter of opinion!

Really boring, but ironing your outfit helps. As does identifying your style preferences and best colours. I have a handful of neutrals and bright colours that I wear, and that’s it. So I’ve got lots of coral and bright blue, but no burgundy or grey, for example. It makes putting outfits together so much easier. I also don’t suit high necks, so tend to wear a v neck or a shirt.

One tip is to focus on putting interest into your outfit with accessories, and to look intentional. So one day this week I wore cream wide legged ankle grazer trousers, a yellow and cream crisp shirt tucked in, with a gold belt, gorgeous sculptural gold earrings from Cos, a couple of gold bangles and a simple necklace.

I also never thought I’d say this, but exercise really helps me - I move much more confidently from doing Pilates and weights. I’m never going to be the slimmest, but there’s something about feeling and looking strong that gives me a boost.

So how do you find your three style words? Would love to know!

Three style words? I've never heard of that - it sounds a bit gimmicky?? And also restricting!!!

@SmallTreeDeepRoots @EleanorMc67 the three word thing is a way to define how you want your style to be. It’s obviously not a rule book, so it doesn’t have to be restrictive - and your three words might be different in summer and autumn for example. So eg “sporty, edgy, comfortable”, or “boho, polished, neutral”. When you shop or get dressed, does it align with your three words?

It’s just a bit of fun, doesn’t have to be taken too seriously. Ignore it if it doesn’t sound like your thing. You can even think about your three words for you as a person - kind, smart, chaotic or whatever. It’s a technique used a lot in marketing/branding. (I do freelance work as well as teaching, and I always ask what three words sum up the business, and that helps to shape the way we communicate in social media posts etc.)

Thanks - I thought it might be along those lines! I'm used to the idea - having had branding/marketing consultants come in to practices I worked at in the past, plus a partner in advertising.

But I'm afraid it is something I would personally feel constrained by. My style can vary according to my mood & how I want to look, so I have a rather eclectic wardrobe. I can certainly see how it would help someone feeling a bit diffident about their style though, in that keeping it simple is less overwhelming.

TBH writing that I had to really think what my words would be - I just enjoy when marketing concepts can be applied to real life! I don’t think people live and die by it. I guess if your words were glamorous, sophisticated and refined you are not going to be perusing the sportswear shopping pages though so it can help focus you a bit. It’s maybe better to think of your three not-words - I hate anything floral or embellished for example, it’s just not my style at all. (No boho here!)

Mine would be along the lines of comfortable, polished, and edgy. If you could see me right now I am comfortable in joggers and a t-shirt, looking pretty un-polished after cooking dinner and cleaning the kitchen, and my definitely edgy haircut is like a birds nest because I had a shower after work and haven’t even brushed it, never mind dried it.

https://www.vogue.co.uk/fashion/article/allison-bornstein-three-word-method

it’s not a new concept but it was popularised by Allison Borstein who became big on social media and then published a book about it. I find it a useful framework for purchases although I deviate from time
to time ( usually something from a charity shop that’s not an expensive gamble ). If I have something that’s not working, when I examine it it’s usually because I’ve deviated too far from my core style. I still enjoy playing on my wardrobe and will lean into one word more than others.