I love Style and Beauty but...

[thedevilinablackdress]

I'm increasingly saddened by every other thread (if not more) being a catalogue of things that posters don't like about themselves (arms, legs, height, age, hair, etc etc etc). I get it, we are often here asking for advice about dressing for something outside our comfort zone, or when life and/or our bodies have changed. But it's so pervasive, how we see ourselves as a catalogue of flaws to be fixed. I wish it was not so.

Of course it’s negative, if someone popped on and said I’ve great hair and love my body people would rip them to shreds, so people point out the bits they don’t like, it makes women more empathetic.

Why on earth would I do that?

If I was looking for help, I’d probably say something like, ‘Please show me your favourite wedding (or whatever occasion) outfits under £….. I normally like the Margaret Howell look and / or 1950s/Jackie O-style vintage but I’d like to see something different.’

I might add something about colours but that would be it. The whole point of asking would be to get ideas that I wouldn’t normally come up with by myself.

i kind of get where you’re coming from and I used to be the same. But after three children, an open hysterectomy and now menopause I hate my shape. Even though I am objectively the same weight and height as I was 20 years ago, it’s in different places. So yes, if I were asking for a recommendation I’d be looking for something to hide pretty much everything between knees and collarbone.

The thing is, @GenieGenealogy, probably only you are conscious of your being a different shape. Everyone else just sees a ‘normal’ looking woman, wearing clothes.

And we apparently only get one life. Why not spend it wearing the most beautiful clothes you can possibly access? Clothes so beautiful no one would ever give a thought to the body underneath.

It just seems a terrible shame to me that people aren’t looking to enjoy clothes. (And I am undoubtedly considerably older than you.)

Um it wasn’t aimed at you specifically?

It doesn't have to be one or the other. We can be neutral about our bodies. And surely that's something those with children should model? I know I picked up negative thinking about my 'fat legs' directly and indirectly from my DM.

The thing is, and I'm not trying to be arsey but to explain where I'm coming from, that implies that anyone with the same shape looks horrible and you would also secretly hate the look of me if you saw me (if I was the same shape as you).

That's what I mean by all the posts desperate to cover wobbly arms or a large tummy - the assumption that everyone finds these hideous and unbearable to look at and anyone who shows such things is unreasonably inflicting ugliness onto the world at large.

Why would posters rip other posters to shreds about being positive? I haven't seen that and there are often threads where posters say they have good legs/great boobs.

I don't post on threads where the aim is to hide or accentuate parts. Both are so alien to how I choose clothes I wouldn't know how to start, particularly the hide approach.

Lot’s of people aren’t coming here to discuss fashion, or being stylish. They are here to get help with a problem. The women who don’t have a problem with what to wear, who are comfortable with the clothes they have access to, don’t pop up to get help.

No one’s going to say, ‘I’m going to a wedding and need a dress, budget £200. I don’t have any self esteem issues and can wear anything.’.
They are much more likely to say, ‘Everything I tried on looked wrong, made me look pregnant, exposed some white flabby bits I prefer to forget and were uncomfortable!’.

I enjoyed the recent thread about dress code ‘Bold’.
I think if you start a thread about a problem, you’ll get people focussing on problems. If you start with an aesthetic, you’ll get fewer self critical comments.

And as I said in my OP, I get it. I just wish that a) society/culture/marketing/the patriarchy hadn't taught us to see our bodies as a collection of problems (are the men doing it...) and b) there was more chat about lovely clothes and style and ideas and inspiration.

Some guidance is useful- I need a dress for a black tie event but I have big boobs so need to be able to wear a normal bra and I prefer my upper arms to be covered is factual but you could reword it in a really negative way which I think is what the OP means?

I definitely try to dress to make the best of the good parts of my figure and lessen the impact of the worst( short dumpy legs) I don’t see what’s wrong with that. It’s helpful for me to hear what other women with the same issues do to help.
I regularly read style and beauty but the thing that really irritates me is when people sneer about other folks suggestion. You only have to be here 5 minutes to realise tastes are very different. That good. Sneering about someone else’s choices is unnecessary. Especially the folk that suggest very expensive, usually shapeless pieces with the implication that they are the arbitrators of good taste

I’d never thought about it and it is depressing.
It would be great if someone said I need a dress for an event, I have great insert feature to highlight and look good in green/blue or whatever.

Yes @Twilightstarbright I think I'm seeing more threads leading with a list of 'flaws' or where the OP is really doing themselves down. I was beginning to wonder if it was AI posts, some sort of clichéd parody of women asking for advice. Or maybe I'm becoming more sensitive to it and annoyed (see previous comments re. patriarchy etc.)

I absolutely love seeing actresses being interviewed, being themselves, dressing as themselves. It really accentuates what clothes do for us. When they are dressed in character they look so different.

That’s what people are aspiring to, I suppose. Trying to get the character costume that works best for them!

Especially the folk that suggest very expensive, usually shapeless pieces with the implication that they are the arbitrators of good taste

This is fascinating! Why, exactly, would you reserve particular ire for someone suggesting something expensive rather than supermarket? Why do you assume the former is implying more about their skill / knowledge / taste than the latter? It makes no sense at all to me.

I know! I just found it an odd suggestion and I responded.

Because the poster knows perfectly well that £500 is likely to be out of many people's price range. Frequently people will say 'I have max £100 to spend' and still get 'This (£400 top) is lovely op'

There is quite a lot of middle ground between supermarket and designer.

Tbf, there are some threads starting from that point. I've never seen anyone being ripped to shreds for doing so.

Where posters do get annoyed is the occasional "I'm so fat" posts from a size 10 or 12.

I’ve noticed that, the lady with the black skirt to the wedding thread, she clearly is buying low cost clothing, as linking primark etc, and wanting stuff she can wear again, and some posters are like how about this £££ top to go with it.

Tbh I don’t see posters suggesting £500 tops to someone clearly stating they have a £100 budget. What often happens is that an OP will post asking for ideas and inspiration - with no reference to any budget. And it’s only after several posters have responded saying ‘have you looked at this brand, or this?’ that the OP comes back and says ‘Oh, I couldn’t possibly justify spending more than £50’ …

The other pitfall is where an OP says ‘Can you suggest some brands I can look for on Vinted?’ And posters do exactly that. Then others pile on, frothing that people are showing ‘designer’ brands to someone with a Vinted budget. It’s an impossible situation.

@MsAlignment because it’s hard to see why an item involving no discernible skill, technique or labour, in a shade of beige, costs so much.

And it’s hard for the average person to look good in said item.

I know it doesn’t appeal to me, because I’m more of a maximalist. I appreciate the stylishness, but prefer other looks.

the lady with the black skirt to the wedding thread, she clearly is buying low cost clothing, as linking primark etc, and wanting stuff she can wear again, and some posters are like how about this £££ top to go with it.

Are they? One helpful poster suggested heaps ranging from £15 on Amazon to Whistles at the top end with lots of Mango and M and S in between. I didn't see any 3 figure suggestions.

I find it hard to read for this reason. Women going on about their fat ankles and other horrible flaws etc etc. They share a photo of themselves and they look fine. It's disturbing. I was surprised by this attitude as well and it's not one I come across often in real life.

The cognitive dissonance going on here is fascinating. Don’t sneer, followed immediately by sneering.