I’m 43 and am feeling really down about my appearance

[pinkpeonytuesday]

I’m a 43 year old single mother. The past few months I feel I’ve been so harsh on my appearance. I don’t have Botox or filler (don’t want if I’m honest). I try and do strength training 3 or 4 times a week and go for a couple of five mile walks. I’m 5ft 4 and weigh ten stone! My comfortable weight is 9.7!

I use lots of nice skincare try and drink water and eat moderately healthy (to be honest I don’t eat a lot but tend to graze rather than proper meals and know this is my downfall)! I just feel so depressed with how I look. I used to be really confident and want to age gracefully but I just feel like I’m puffy,
overweight and old! Genuinely I do think this constant trend to be stick thin, the insane amount t of weight loss drug adverts I see and the fact that so many women in the public eye have had fillers, Botox or surgery gives me an u realistic view of what women in their 40s look like. I’m actually shocked these weight loss drug companies are allowed to advertise so much, it’s so dangerous. I do believe social media etc is giving me body dysmorhphia. I am online dating and use unfiltered natural photos (nice ones with makeup on thoug) but I am so scared to actually go on a date as I will be a disappointment. I genuinely can’t imagine anyone fancying me! Has anyone felt similar? Could it be hormones? Am I just in a funk!
I am in desperate need of a good haircut and colour so that could be it 😂😂😂 sorry for the pity post, but as other single mums will appreciate we don’t always have someone to talk to about our inane problems xxx

I’m same age as you and feel the same, so completely empathise, I actually deleted instagram today as I’m sick of it! I bet you look great and that load of men would fancy you - you sound like you’re much healthier and fitter than I manage to be! I think the answer is to spend more time in the real world, with real friends, invest time and money in your mental and physical health when you can, and avoid social media as much as possible. Also, I also don’t do all the Botox etc, but I did invest in a full head of balayage recently and it did give me a MUCH needed boost!

@Runningshoes99awww I bet you’re looking fabulous too! Maybe it’s the lack of a good haircut cut and colour that’s bringing me down. I was really focused before Christmas then got ill and started a new job an all healthish routines go out of window! But I do use Ladder app and it’s helped me stay consistent and get really strong. I highly recommend it xxxx thanks for your reply it was like a nice warm hug

Step away from social media, you sound fit & healthy. Real attraction comes from being confident in your own skin. Work on that. I’m 55 and bloody fabulous :)

@Lesinareally wise words and you sounds bloody fantastic! You’re so true, it’s all about confidence, kindness and seeing the best in life! Not about being a size zero and wrinkle free! Thanks for the reality check

I relate to this a lot but sorry to learn that others are going through it, even so.

Sometimes, I get really down on myself when I know that I've not been the best with my diet, or have drank too much or haven't slept enough etc.

I think there is something to be said about diet and sleep and the way it can affect our moods and our perception of ourselves and the world.

FWIW, I was 9 stone last August and now I'm 10 stone something. I've hidden the scales so I don't weigh and make myself feel worse. Focussing on eating healthy this week and resuming weight loss attempts after Easter.

Maybe you just need a maintenance 'reset' so you don't feel you have to be great at everything all at once for now.

Social media is so weird and unrealistic. Why is Demi Moore 4 stone? Why is Kelly Osbourne 3 stone?

I don't know! I don't want to be like them but I do feel like a whale next to them! It's a vicious cycle! I feel like it's 1997 all over again!

I’m almost 43 and feel the same as you, I’m a stone overweight but I’m reasonably at peace with that but my face depresses me so much! I used to be really happy with my face but it’s changed so much in the last few years! I was really happy in my 30s, felt confident, empowered etc. but the 40s not so much appearance wise! I’m hoping I won’t care when I’m in my 50s!

If you ever see pictures of indigenous tribes on tv the middle aged ones are always a bit chunky and a bit saggy I.e it’s totally normal! Our culture is so obsessed with youth so when women start to age we hate it. It really doesn’t help that men often seem to age better.The most radical thing we can do is bloody well ignore it. Get a nice haircut and colour and make sure you have well fitting clothes you enjoy and stay youthful in your attitude. I hope you can find some peace with yourself x

My husband died when we were 38 and I realised over the years that no one remembers you for what you looked like. When I think of him I don’t really see or
notice his appearance and yet he was a stunner. You need accept that we look different as we age, that’s perfectly ok. Go live your life carefree, it’s the greatest thing ever when you realise that appearance doesn’t truly matter. Life is far too short to be arsed.

We are exactly the same age, height and weight and I feel like you as well! After having been 9-9 1/2 stone all of my adult life I’ve put on almost a stone in the last year that I’m finding it so hard to shift, and it is really getting to me.

I have had some strong words with myself and recommitted to trying to eat better and cut out the rubbish. I’ve bought a rebounder (mini trampet) which I jump on for 20-30 mins a day and I’ve started doing push ups.

I’ve also treated myself to some new jeans and a couple of new tops that fit me well. Yes I was not happy buying a size bigger than usual but they look and feel better, and I have resolved to sell them on Vinted if I get back to my normal size.

Lastly I’ve started taking a collagen powder (Elavate) to give myself a bit of a boost. It’s only been a couple of weeks so too early to say if it is helping but I figure it can’t harm, and it feels like I am doing something for me.

If the weight doesn’t come off I will just have to accept it, but at least I will be fitter, hopefully my skin and joints will improve, and my clothes will look better.

Sorry for the essay - it’s just we sound like we’re in a very similar spot! Feel free to pm me if you would like to try and lose a few lbs together.

Yeah feel similar on a bad day, feeling undesirable. Worsened because of the no. Of women getting botox etc now - but at same time i dislike that freaky unnatural look that some have. Im trying to focus on strength & fitness & being thankful!

You sound very fit and healthy OP, well done for being so disciplined with your exercise, I wish I had your motivation! I think you should get a couple of new outfits to give you a confidence boost and book in at the hairdressers. That will still be cheaper than Botox and I agree with others who have said they dislike the Botox look anyway, it doesn’t make people look younger. Life is not a competition with only those who have perfect looks being worthy of love. All the people I truly love in my life I think they are wonderful to look at because I love them!

Hey ladies just quickly popped on to read all your lovely messages to empathise and also offer woe words! So brilliant! Thank you. Will reply in socially later but thank you so much xxx

I know from bitter personal experience that you need to change the way and times you eat as you enter your forties, you say you're a grazer and don't eat large meals. If you flipped this and stopped eating later in the evening (hard I know) and had two really good filling meals a day, you might drop a bit of weight (has worked for me anyway) if that's troubling you. Our metabolism changes and slows as we age, why didn't someone tell me that?!
As for Instagram - those are the saddest most insecure people on Earth and you really wouldn't want to be them.

I feel you OP, you're not alone! But you're not behind too. You’re actually doing a lot right already. Strength training several times a week, walking regularly, eating fairly mindfully, & using skincare. Honestly, most women in their 40s don’t look like the curated versions shown on social media. We look like real people living real lives! Attraction in real life is way less about “perfect features” & way more about presence, warmth & energy.

I am also 43 and last year finally managed to get my yo-yo weight under control. I told Chat GPT all of my issues around food, my weight, height etc and it coached me through my food each day. I have honestly learned so much about how to lose weight without restricting myself and how to prevent my usual stuff and starve cycle. I lost a good 6kg and got down to 55kg.

I threw out all of my postpartum/breastfeeding/elasticated waist clothes and have been gradually restocking my wardrobe and am being much more mindful of style rather than exclusive comfort (physical or mental!). I have been much more observant of what young people are wearing and having a new wardrobe means I am less likely to start gaining weight again, as I wanted to fit into my new clothes!

I have lots of accessories, paint my own nails regularly and keep on top of my greys. I have the temporary spray to blast on my roots so I never have a visible line. I do a full face of make up each day but its light and doesnt take long; I just like to have a lot of subtle definition in my face.

I follow lots of style accounts on Instagram for women in their 40s and get ideas there. I look at fashion websites and see how they style the clothes. I have friends who love style and get their opinions on what to buy.

I do have to say that, for me, weight loss helped me get my sparkle back and freed me up to wear clothes that didnt just hide my body. I think I look better than I did at any other time in my life but I am very intentional about it. No both or filler either, but I do look after my skin well and drink loads of water.

Botox

Google French actresses in their 40s and 50s. Great inspiration for ageing naturally and beautifully from a nation that perceives life experience and self assurance as highly desirable qualities. I actually aspire to the regime you are following, you're doing great at keeping yourself fit and healthy. A good cut and colour can be transformative. I am also for the first time at 40 using a good quality fake tan and find it makes me look more vibrant and healthy somehow. If you haven't had your colours done, ask ChatGPT based on your skin, hair and eye colour what you should be wearing. I found that made a big difference e.g. whenever I wear a jumper or lipstick in burnt red orange (my best colour) , I get compliments on how well I'm looking.