Cant accept mybody

[GustavaKlimt]

I apologise if this rambles on a bit.

I am 64 and have been on and off diets most of my adult life. A few years ago I lost 5 stone, but I was so miserable trying to maintain it. Some weight inevitably crept back on. It always does

I eat when I'm stressed (as well as general greed) I'm going through a period of immense stress at the moment so am expanding rapidly.

Im now a size 16/18 and 5ft 7. No idea how much I weigh. This is the size I always end up.

I do feel that at 64 I really should just accept that this is me and that is ok. But, I look at myself in the mirror/shop window and all I see is failure and massive fat bits. When I see anyone else my size or bigger, my critical inner voice thinks nothing. I just admire their outfit, or whatever.

Why am I so critical of myself? I cannot stand the thought of another diet or mounjaro. I feel that however long I have left on this world should be spent loving myself,not constantly berating or hating myself.

I was a child of the 70s when everyone was very thin and my mother lived on cottage cheese and ryvita. Hasn't helped my inner voice.

How do I do this? How do I accept myself? How do I look in the mirror and not feel such a failure?

If you've read this far you deserve a medal. Thank you.

I am the same size and height as you. I was always really thin, until I had to go on a psych med a few years ago. It must just affect my metabolism, I do eat more but I don't think I eat that much that I should look like this. It has really affected my self esteem. I get out of breath walking up a flight of stairs, and sometimes even just from bending down to feed my cats. I want to try weight loss injections- what is it about them that you don't like ?

Ive been turned down for mounjaro as I had an eating disorder 35 years ago
I hope I dont come across as whining. I hate that. I just want to know if others can identify with what I'm saying,or if people have managed to silent their inner critical voice.

Out of curiosity, did you like your body when you lost 5 stone? I've lost 5 stone, and whilst I'm happier seeing myself in photos and when dressed, I still really hate what I see undressed. My point is that part of accepting yourself is realising that how you view yourself is separate to what you weigh. Some people are happy regardless, and some are not happy regardless. A few years back, I did make a point of looking at bigger influencers, and it did help a bit with self-acceptance as I was able to view them positively, so could start to see that maybe I wasn't that bad.

You don't sound whiny

I did like myself when slimmer,but hated what I had to do to maintain it.
I look at plus size influencers and think they look fantastic. Love some outfits,dont live others. But I dont look at them and think they are failures and look like an overstuffed sofa.
When growing up my parents were very free with their body shaming comments. A favourite one when I was just about to go out with new boyfriend or whatever,was " as long as you think you look nice,it doesn't matter what we think". Instant mood killer. I wasn't remotely overweight.

That's terrible of your parents

Well your parents sound like shit, and maybe therapy will help, but at 64, it could be ingrained.

if you want to lose the weight snd the disorder was 35 years ago then lying is always a thing, but it’s likely you’d be facing a lifetime of them.

i think I’d focus on how you dress, getting fit and strong, and less worried about dress size, so join the gym work out, build muscle by lifting,

being overweight is always damaging as we age, and you could be into obese range, I was at that dress size and about your height. But focus on strength, toning, and less on diet and dress size could be a way ti help you accept your body,

I hadn't thought of strength training. I do walk the dog everyday,but dont go to a gym.

Sadly I can't lie as the eating disorder is on my medical notes

Whenever I've got private medical care I just don't consent to share info with my GP and it's been fine

I can relate to this OP. I’m a smidge younger than you & also grew up with this type of “parenting”. No matter my size, I was always critical of myself, despite being a size 8 for the majority of my teens and twenties, sadly mostly because of the adults around me. I remained like that until I began working out rather than just dieting. I started regular exercise and healthy eating (straightforward lifestyle changes not faddy diets) mid-40s and realised that feeling good comes from having energy and strength not just from the number on the scale. You don’t need to join the gym for strength training. Find a good fitness app & buy cheap weights from Amazon or secondhand. Start with something relatively lightweight like 2.5 - 4kg. Focus on getting your form right before increasing the weight. Make sure you are stretching and incorporating mobility too, which will help not only your physical recovery but also help reduce lymphatic congestion which will help you feel slimmer. Focus on how you feel rather than numbers on a scale.

I also believe that proper self care helps us connect with our bodies too. Again, I am not talking about influencers fads or complex skincare regimes with 20 steps 🤦🏼‍♀️ But simply taking the time to take care of and appreciate your own body. Buy a shower gel and body lotion that you love and take the time to enjoy it rather than a quick scrub. Get plenty of rest and sleep. Sleep deprivation has a significant impact upon our weight & mental health. Read or watch tv with intention rather than mindlessly consuming. It’s all about taking control and feeling like we are making positive & proactive choices.

This is the size I always end up.

And there’s part of your answer.

The other part is the (presumably non-weight related?) immense stress you’re currently living through. I can only guess, but we’re a similar age and probably afflicted by similar enormous life worries. Sometimes wine and crisps at the end of a hard day are all that gets you through.

Look, it may be that your weight has reached an unhealthy level - but I’d imagine at 5’7 you might also look rather grand and statuesque. Why on earth not do the strength training, and Pilates and yoga and even running rather than walking with your dog - just for the fun of it. You can be sleek and toned and elegant at any size.

I have always loved clothes anyway, but I’m damned if I’m going to spend the last thirty (or more) years of my life not dressing as well as I possibly can. (I don’t mean comedy glasses and purple hair - I mean Margaret Howell and Studio Nicholson and really good boots.)

I think you could do both. If you could join a gym or at least get out of the house more often for exercise that might offer some relief from the life stresses. (If you have a caring role try your best to find an alternate carer for maybe a couple of hours twice a week.)

And invest in your appearance in other ways. The best haircut. The best skincare (including carving out money for facials and massage). And really beautiful clothes that make you look your best self. At size 16/18 you can shop pretty much anywhere. Forget failure; embrace adventure.

Your mounjaro provider won’t see your notes.

They will send a generic email to your gp telling them you are on the drug and I highly doubt your gp will make any comment at all unless they have a genuine concern about your health, in which case the gp will contact you.

To be honest, given the state of the nhs these days I doubt your gp will even know who you are let alone read your notes or the email.

I would not usually suggest concealing medical information, and am in fact quite fiercely against this being a retired nurse, but a condition which affected you 35 years ago and has not recurred seems of minimal relevance and I do think perhaps this is just a tick box back covering refusal from one specific provider.

So if you really do want to try mounjaro you could but is that the real issue unless the excess weight is badly affecting your health?

At a size 16/18 and 5ft 7 you are overweight but fairly average tbh.

I am sure nobody is thinking negatively about your appearance but I understand it is more about your inner voice.

You could choose to focus on fitness and nice clothes which flatter your curves and spend time doing whatever makes you happiest in life.

I’m not far off your age and agree life really is too short.

Thank you all.
Sadly the mounjaro providers did look at my medical notes. Is that not the case for all of them?
Lots of helpful suggestions from everyone and lots to think about.
I just wish I could silence that bloody inner voice.

You need to put something in your mirror that thrills you. Whether that’s a new hairstyle, groomed eyebrows, some fabulous earrings, an argyle tank top, a beautifully fitting pair of trousers …

The more you concentrate on these external things, the less time you’ll have to worry about your body.

Sertraline almost completely silenced my very critical inner voice - it was like someone flicked a switch. I wish I had started taking it years ago.

Have you heard of intuitive eating? I would highly recommend the book Intuitive Eating: A Revolutionary Anti-Diet Approach by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. Don't rely on social media to explain the principle, the book is where it's at.

If you want a very thorough break down of what the building blocks of intuitive eating are, there's a good podcast episode with Evelyn Tribole on 10% Happier with Dan Harris called The Anti-Diet.

But, in a nutshell, it's a practice to allow you to enjoy food as food, something to nourish you, not something to fear. It uses mindfulness tactics to engage with food positively and actually honour your hunger and your fullness and be aware of when you're using food negatively - either to diet or to ignore unpleasant emotions.

I would also encourage you to take up a sport/exercise you would like. Anything - walking, yoga, swimming, zumba, tennis. Anything you genuinely enjoy and want to spend time doing. It will make you feel better and happier. I would encourage a skill based sport so you don't feel tempted to focus on how your body looks (like bodybuilding), but so you can focus on the skill you're honing.

Expect the process to take time and to take effort, be kind to yourself and if you fall off the wagon and get back into the old habits, say to yourself: "it's ok it's part of the process", and begin again.

I say all this as a person who has successfully recovered from anorexia and bulimia and is enjoying food and exercise for its own sake. It's possible to stop warring with your body and food. Just takes time.

Yes it’s apparently true now that mounjaro providers can look at your notes - part of the tightening up after people were using fake photos and information.

My mum is on psych meds and barely eats anything and still has ballooned. The meds probably have a lot to do with it.