Never feel put together

[dogsbody2]

I’m approaching 40 and really fed up. I feel like I have totally lost my sense of style (probably never actually found it if I’m honest). I have so many clothes, wardrobes full but I definitely need to declutter because I barely wear any of it. The outfits I wear most are just leggings/jeggings and random tops or sweatshirts. I like quirky/emo styles and adore Lucy and Yak fleeces but nothing in my wardrobe would reflect that other than the odd item.

My hair is always a mess despite getting it done semi regularly, it’s just very flat and thin. My face is starting to look old and although I use make up (the same make up routine and products I’ve used since being a teenager) I always look washed out. I definitely need to update my wardrobe and make up with things more befitting my age.

I guess I’m just rubbish at styling myself in any way and would really appreciate some advice from those more stylish!

Where do you work? Does your dressing negatively impact your career prospects?

What’s your lifestyle? Is it best served by spending your days in jeggings and sweatshirts?

What clothes size and height are you?

This is where instagram can be really useful, there are lots of women of all ages sharing outfits, styling tips, make up for specific ages/skin types etc.
Find accounts where you like the vibe and copy it for your budget. Plenty of accounts doing whole looks from the high street (and the supermarkets come to that)

I’m a size 12-14. Big mum belly which makes me quite self conscious about tight fitting clothes. I tend to opt for either leggings and long tops or wide leg trousers that skim my belly. I’m 5’7.
My job is smart/casual wear. Some people turn up in jeans and hoodies but I try to be slightly smarter so trousers and a jumper at least.
I am really really bad at hanging onto clothes I no longer wear. And I struggle to make decisions and part with cash when buying new clothes as well so quite often I’m left with all this old shit that I no longer wear.

I recently discovered a Facebook group called style me happy when I was looking for help picking an outfit for a wedding, it's introduced me to colour theory and I've found it so interesting and helpful when buying clothes and makeup. You can pay to have someone tell you your colour season, and/or body shape and how to dress around that. Definitely worth following the page for a bit to see if it's something you're interested in!

Or you could ask ChatGPT to do that for you, for free.

@dogsbody2 I suggest you engage the help of your most stylish friend, sibling, cousin and spend a couple of hours going through your wardrobe.

Keep what suits you best, is in good condition and looks up to date.

Divide everything else into three piles:

Bin
Charity shop
Sell

Get someone else to deal with getting rid of the unwanted stuff.

Then look at what you’ve kept and assess what those things need to look their best.

I think it helps to understand what colours suit you. There are resources online - you don't need to pay someone. In fact you probably know yourself what colours suit you. Pick a core neutral colour (grey, navy, black, brown,cream etc) and then work around that. My neutral is navy so I have colours like burgundy in my wardrobe that go with the navy.

You don't have to spend a lot of money either. I like Tu for basics, shop from charity shops sometimes or eBay and Vinted. Also sales from more expensive shops.

This is less for actual styling, but might be helpful when thinking about decluttering and looking at gaps in your wardrobe. I've been trying to use this "formula" more to categorise my clothes and make sure my wardrobe reflects my actual lifestyle rather than a fantasy one. Originally read about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/fashionwomens35/comments/13ao9um/fashion_math_levels_of_formality/

Clothes are on a scale of 1 - 5 of formality:
1 = dog washing/major house clean/feeling unwell
2 = very casual/lounging around - you could leave the house but wouldn't wear it to go out for the day.
3 = smart casual - still relaxed but you could wear it to work or on a day out (could include jeans and t-shirts depending on your workplace, but also items like linen trousers or sundresses).
4 = dressier - like a night out with friends/date night, important job interview (obviously the type of clothes are different, but the formality level is similar)
5 = formal event/wedding/party you need to dress up for.

Look at your calendar and mark what level of formality you used for each day for the last two to three months. Then sort your clothes into the 5 categories.

Does the distribution of your wardrobe into these categories match the levels of your actual life? I had quite a lot of 4s when I needed 2s and 3s.

The distribution you need will likely change with life changes.

Even if you have lots of 2s and 3s already I think this can help with thinking that putting thought into these items is worth it, because those are the clothes you're wearing most often. Maybe you do need leggings for your lifestyle, but leggings that are better in some way (what's better is subjective and depends on your taste). I did realise I needed more leggings, but I live in a very cold climate so I bought faux fur lined thermal leggings that are a step up from what I had previously. I also realised I needed to take better care of them and not put them in the tumble dryer.

I think figuring out what you need in your wardrobe is the first step. There's no point learning how to style beautiful clothes you'll never wear! 😊

@dogsbody2 im going through this now, so my small learnings:

1. Always have brushed hair
2. Get rid of anything you wouldn't wear on a date ie dont make you feel happy/dont fit properly
3. Decent underwear which hold you in
4. Try and work out your colours - i like blue but it makes me look really bland so I wear colours that make me pop!
5. Find instagrammers who you like - i tend to wear lots of zara or h&m/uniqlo so look for those who wear those
6. Leggings are for the gym. Wear flared leggings if you must

I bet a lot of that is in your head, but I do feel your fear as I do sometimes question whether I’m being “age appropriate”! 40 isn’t anywhere near old and you should wear whatever makes you feel good, whether that’s clothes or the way you style your hair. Social media and “influencers” like to write us off when we turn 35 but that’s bollocks. All those vacuous idiots would rather die than post a photo that isn’t filtered to hell. You do you and don’t seek the approval of strangers!

I'm exactly the same. No style, rubbish shopper
Years ago I went to a personal shopper in Debenhams, free of charge. No obligation to buy. Currently saving to do it again as i need some new clothes desperately. It was amazing, they will know what will look good on you
Get your friends to help declutter before u buy anything

You've had lots of good advice up thread- particularly about getting a stylish friend to challenge you! are there any outfits that do make you feel better? If so, look for updated versions of those. And do be brave about ditching things that make you feel down. Try on some things that are not “you”, you could be surprised

If you are truly wearing the same makeup since your teens, book an appointment in a large store. I think John Lewis have some beauty consultants that are not brand specific, and don’t feel pressured to buy everything they recommend. Pay close attention to the methods/application they use. Most people look better with tinted moisturiser, subtle blush or bronzer, bit of definition around the eyes (eyebrows/lashes/eyeliner but not necessarily all 3) and lip balm. If you buy some products, use them! Not just for “best”. And maybe look at your skincare routine too, your skin definitely changes as you age.

I think the issue is I just don’t know what suits me. I buy things and never wear them because I hate them as soon as I get home! So I revert back to the same old leggings and can’t be bothered shopping anymore.
Make up wise yeah I’m still using the same brands and routine - a bit of foundation, powder and bronzer, eyeshadow mascara and eyeliner. By lunchtime most days it feels like it’s worn off and I look gross again. I do cleanse and tone but that’s probably not cutting it anymore.
Thank you for the helpful advice, really appreciate it.

Spend some time on TikTok and watch some videos on make up and some on clothing choices. I’ve revamped my make up this year thanks to watching others do a better look for older skin. I think it’s the first time I’ve known what to do in my life!

Find some people with style you like and work out how they piece their outfits together. You might only need a couple of items to switch everything up.

I swapped a few years ago from almost all black and grey to almost all colour. It’s made my feel a new woman!

In terms of the face focus on good basic skin care like Cerave cleanser, spf 50 as moisturiser and retinol serum. Instead of make up use a tiny bit of tinted moisturiser like bare minerals rescue or a cc cream to cover some redness

Eyeshadow rules are very different post 30. If, for example you put colour only on your actual lids and leave the skin above it bare, it will make your eyes look old and sunken.

Search on YouTube eye makeup for hooded eyes, and you’ll get an idea of something more flattering.

Also, buy a good primer to make your foundation stick, and even out pores and fine lines. I use the ELF one, which was cheap.

@dogsbody2 what sort of budget do you have? I tend to order a lot from H&M or M&S as its free delivery. So i try different styles of jeans from M&S out as theres a whole load of different ones. Then i return most things but usually keep the odd thing and then go from there. H&M has great flared leggings which are my alternative to leggings.

Go shopping with a stylish friend who can tell you honestly what looks good.

I went through most of my wardrobe and got rid of anything uncomfortable or which i didnt feel good in. This meant loads of court heels, unflattering denim jackets or shackets, coats which didnt button up etc, jeans which i couldnt squeeze into, bobbled jumpers in colours that didnt suit. I wfh so i didnt really care how i looked on calls but the moment i put a bit of lipstick or had a tighter top, i looked so much better.

With makeup - worth getting a free tutorial or buying one decent item at a time

The key is feeling good whatever you wear.

There's nothing wrong with leggings. I feel good in mine because I team them with baggy jumpers. If I go out I wear Adidas Campus/courts, a nice shacket or cropped oversized teddy bear jacket.
That's my casual style and I'm happy with it.

My other style is wide leg trousers with a fitted top. All about proportions for me.

I used to just order loads of stuff from online shops and use it as a personal shopper service. I'd spend hours in front of my mirror trying stuff on and seeing how it looks. Or I'd spend an afternoon at a local shopping centre and try loads of stuff on. That's how I found my style.

It doesn't matter what your style is by the way, as long as you feel good and comfortable in it.

Think about which parts you want to draw attention to. For me it's my waist. I don't like highlighting my arms or legs. I have weird shaped hips so wide leg trousers with a fitted top look good on me so I tend to opt for that for smart casual clothes.
Casually I'm more comfortable tight down and loose on top. Sporty clothing suits me casually as I often do home yoga/pilates workouts so I don't have to change for example. I just take off my baggy jumper so I'm in leggings/cami top.
Lifestyle plays a part too!

John Lewis do this - free of charge personal shopper. I’ve used them a few times and they’ve been great, really lovely, knowledgable, and no pressure to buy.