How much do you relate to my identity/style/aging crisis ?

[MomWithChinHairs]

I wish I knew how to articulate myself better instead of multiple threads that may start to make me seem like a crazy person. 😂

The chin hairs, wrinkles, age spots, hot flashes, excessive sweating, body odor, grey hairs, body changes, all that stuff has made me feel old.

As pathetic as it sounds, growing up and as an adult being " the prettiest" was basically part of my identity. Not the healthiest mindset in hindsight.

In talks with my gorgeous young-looking husband, he said he honestly prefers the way I look now. He said he likes the mature look.

In talks with my 13 year old daughter, she said she prefers the way I look now. That I'm now "mom pretty" instead of "model pretty."

Maybe the nuances isn't relatable but does anyone has/had a similar feeling ? It's hard to explain and I hope I'm not being offensive. I feel old. I feel like an old mom instead of a hot mom. Even after giving birth and having a little weight on me, I didn't feel this way. I feel like I lost my it factor. If you made in this far, thank you for reading.

You really need to stop this, especially the chin hair thing, this is the third thread about it! - yes, ageing is not fun but my mum always said its better than the alternative so we just have to soldier on.

You are more than your looks, do you have any hobbies other than your appearance that you can throw yourself into?

I’m 55 and have all the things you are moaning about but make the best of what I have, I enjoy my family and pets, my home, my beautiful clothes, my hobbies and job and am grateful for the good health and financial stability that allows me to enjoy all these things.

If you’re having menopausal symptoms have you seen anyone about that? I had a menopause ‘MOT’ at the womens clinic where I have physio and reformer classes and it was very helpful.

The menopause is pretty shit but once you are through it things start to settle down.
Everything seemed disastrous when I was going through it but not now. Its temporary.
I certainly don't smell at 63. Im having my chin hairs zapped next week by electrolysis and My hair is balyaged. I only need to go back every 8 weeks. If you keep fit and your weight stable you will come out the other end in one piece.

But why do you have to look like a “hot mom”?

Are you taking HRT? That can help with lots of symptoms. It won’t stop the aging process but will help with other issues.
Why do you want to look ‘hot’ what’s that about?

I can relate to some extent. There are benefits though. I like that people now take me more seriously than they did before and actually going out and not getting grabbed by every stupid idiot is also very nice. I can dance and it is just for me and no one else. There is a real freedom.
We all get old at some point. It is something to embrace. A different phase of life but an equally good one. Just needs some adjustment.

Are you ok? You seem to be starting numerous threads on it and clearly courting opinion with your family, your appearance seems incredibly important to you. Like obsessively so.

im afraid other than the wrinkles (and grey hair but it’s dyed) I don’t have any of the issues you mention, but they are all fixable if you do.

I was also considered attractive and still am. Just really if these things are bothering you then get them sorted, see your doctor about menopause, get rid of the chin hairs, invest in good skin care ie retinol etc or Botox, and dye your hair. It’s really worth all this introspection.

I used to obsess over my looks fading, so much so I had the list of treatments and surgeries I 'needed' ready to go for when I hit 30.

Then my best friend died. She was in her late 20's and left behind two small children. She'd cry and say she'd give anything, absolutely anything, to see her little boys grow up.

It cured me of my narcissim almost over night.

I still take care of myself, but I dont obsess over every little perceived aging flaw anymore, because I remember her and how much she wished she'd get the chance to have some wrinkles.

You are very fortunate to have had a period in your life where you felt good looking, you are lucky. You sound shallow and needy, why the need to be "hot' ? Focus on the good things in your life and make the best of how you look now.

With the kindest possible intention - please take a breath! Slow down and give yourself some time and space and grace to adjust to this new phase of life.

First off you really need to stop fielding views on your looks from all around you. Particularly not your 13 year old daughter!

Second - speak to a health professional about changing body, new symptoms etc. I found my anxiety spiked around peri menopause.

Third - lean in to this new stage. There is so much out there that is positive messaging about women in their 40s and 50s. I sense there's no point in telling you not to care about the surface image - which is fine (but limiting!) - so get a look on Instagram for some amazing style accounts for older women.

Fourth - consider counselling or at least exploring why looks became your whole identity. See if you can develop a richer sense of self. This is important for you and essential for your daughter to see.

It sounds like you have a loving family. Good relationships don't come from good looks...There must be more to you than a pretty face! Recognise those things and elevate them.

I get that you feel your identity has changed and you don’t know who you are anymore.

Do you work or have a career? Is that fulfilling for you?

The trouble with a heavy focus on appearance is that we all get old (we hope) and maturity and wisdom help us appreciate there is so much more to life.

If one is used to being the most attractive, one can get too used to not having to try that hard. Being the chosen one. Feeling special or entitled without making too much effort. And of course there will always be younger, prettier women. Like your daughter.

As we get older we hopefully evolve. We groom and care about ourselves but embrace life on every level.

You need to get some interests outside of yourself and how you look. You are going to get old and not be "hot" anymore. Channel your energy into something more life affirming. What are you passionate about? Try to pursue that rather than focusing on how you look to others. I know it's difficult when that has been a big part of yoir identity but you must find an interest to replace that.

I agree it’s very damaging to be asking your 13 year old daughter, and it means it’s gone far too far now. You need to try to restrain yourself constantly seeking validation on your appearance, but never from a young girl

Yeah, discussing this ad infinitum with your 13 year old is definitely not healthy, OP.
your teaching her that looks are more important than anything else, and setting her up for a life of being dissatisfied with herself too.

Nope. I can't relate at all.
I've never once thought 'now I'm old I'm only regular pretty and not model pretty....poor me!'.

But thank you for making me appreciate never having been pretty. I've literally never wasted a second of my life worrying about this!😂

Well, I can only speak for myself but I for one won’t be leaning into aging.

Im doing every damn thing I can to keep fit and toned- jogging, weights etc I get Botox and expensive haircuts.

I have regular facials and a red light machine.

If age wants a fight to the death it will get one!

I’m 40 and have really noticed my face losing its bounce, and it’s depressing. I’m considering a brow lift and upper bleph.

I’ve also developed an allergy to hair colour and being naturally dark with some greys coming through is making me feel worse.

I’ve also got a belly, which I didn’t have for the first 37 years of my life.

OP is going to reveal that she's 35, isn't she?

“Mom pretty” instead of “model pretty” is quite the stealth boast. Stop asking your daughter if you look pretty, it’s deeply unhealthy.