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38 and feeling lost

6 replies

Ringaroundtherosies · 14/11/2025 09:30

I'm perimenopausal and feeling the changes within myself that come along with it. The last few weeks or so, I've really begun to dislike myself. I can feel myself aging almost. Growing old is a privilege but I just don't feel like 'me' anymore.

I have large fibroids that I can't yet have removed, due to being a single parent and not having the support to undergo the recovery once out of hospital. I suffer with iron deficiency due to this. I have a bulky womb because of the placement of my fibroids, so my stomach feels big and bulky all the time.

Although I earn a reasonable living, most of my money goes on my DD and obviously the cost of living these days. I don't have loads left over for myself, once paying bills, savings and whatever DD needs. I suppose I'm not great at doing things for myself, much of this is because I think I spent the first 35 years of my life surrounded by parents who demanded my needs came last. When I do try and put me first, I'm left with feelings of guilt and worry if I then have to say no to my DD. She's not spoilt by any means but I know what it was like to always be told 'no', as a little kid.

What are us women nearing our 40s or later, who are consumed by mum life and work life, actually doing to survive and feel like themselves? If this was your sister/niece/daughter, what advice would you give them? I don't have much free time, as my ex partner works abroad and doesn't see DD often, DD also has little contact with my parents. So, for a busy single mum, who has begun to lose her way, what guidance would you offer? It's to the point I really don't like looking in the mirror at the moment.

Thank you.

OP posts:
MoreThanRubies · 14/11/2025 09:50

Firstly, you have a lot on your plate. Really, a lot. You should be proud just to be doing the daily stuff.

You have posted in Style and Beauty so I’m going to reply from that angle. I’m 39 and just emerging from the baby years. I don’t feel like myself. What has helped is thinking back to a time when I had more agency and felt more like me, and doing those things.

What would 28 year old me have done and worn? What did she enjoy?

For me that’s meant going back to a centre parting, wearing mascara, wearing skirts even if not in fashion, picking some glasses like my favourite ones ever (again, not fashionable). These are small things but have made me feel good.

I’m even contemplating painting my nails for Christmas!

Was there a time when you felt good? What small things could you start doing (again) that could help you feel like you? Try to treat yourself with the same care you give to your DD and do things that you enjoy.

Ringaroundtherosies · 14/11/2025 10:04

@MoreThanRubies Thank you so much for this comment. Maybe I am thinking too outside of myself, not focusing on what I used to like etc. I will go back through my old pics and take inspiration from a younger me, see how I can get back in touch with her and work it to my body etc these days. The baby years are hard, I hope you're making time for you! Thanks once again.

OP posts:
Somethingsnapped · 15/11/2025 17:07

Hi op! As for your second post, that's, exactly what I've been doing recently! Your post resonates as I have fibroids too, and also diastasis recti after carrying 4 enormous babies. I'm in my forties.

Recently I've lost a bit of weight (a couple of stone) and starting to experiment with the slightly alternative/boho style I used to love in my twenties. Putting a bit more effort into make up and jewellery too. I feel great now actually! Better now than I did a decade ago in my thirties. Basically, healthy eating, a bit of extra exercise, and experimenting again with my old style and things that suit me, albeit with a few tweaks here and there to be kinder on my tummy area.

Ringaroundtherosies · 16/11/2025 21:14

@Somethingsnapped thank you for commenting. It's so nice to hear from someone who has a similar experience.

I have been looking through old pictures and have ordered a couple of staple pieces, hoping they fit well and I can create a couple of different looks from them.

Best of luck with your journey. Mums deserve to be a priority too.

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 16/11/2025 21:22

I totally agree with going back to what gave us joy from the past, I took up knitting again and I'm much better at it now ! And listen to music from when I was younger.

For clothes and style I found a skirt I really liked that doesn't fit me any more and bought the size up which reminds me of when I was in my twenties and a really nice jumper. Vinted is very reasonable so you could potentially buy more and new !

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 16/11/2025 21:22

Sorry for that giant sentence!

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