Request for help and please be kind.

[MrsNorton]

I fling myself on your collective wisdom and mercy. Long time poster but n/c out of shame.

I'm getting married (for the first time) in October in Portugal so it will be warmer than the UK. Every time I think about a dress, I feel the surge of a panic attack.
The thought of lots of people (albeit a small intimate wedding) looking at me and assessing my outfit makes me want to run screaming for the hills with a bag on my head.

My body confidence is at an all time low. I am overweight (much of it gained on the past four years due to lockdown followed by two years of ill-health), aging (57), unable to wear heels, with sagging boobs (used to be my best feature but alas - no more), one of which - post breast cancer surgery - is higher than the other. I'm as blind as bat without my glasses which means I can't see to put on any makeup which - I don't really wear anyway and never learned how. Oh and just to help with my body confidence, the stress of this has led to an outbreak of eczema on my face which - three mothst on - shows no sign of shifting. Oh joy.

I'm apple shaped, 5'4 and a size 14 -16. I'm at my highest ever weight (75kg) and actively avoid looking at myself in mirrors. I know I need to lose weight but i feel shit enough about myself without anyone else weighing in (pun not intended). Post chemo my hair is now an acceptable length but a long way from the mid back length it used to be. Oh and it grew back darker and greyer.

I don't have a life that involves much dressing up - smart business is about as glamorous as my wardrobe gets. So whilst a fabulous dress would be lovely, it's also not very eco-friendly for me to invest in a dress I will only wear once and I'd rather have a dress I could get more wear out of. I'm not keen on anything approaching a traditional wedding dress.

I hate hate hate clothes shopping. I have no idea what suits me.

My favourite colour palette is sea colours - more blue / purple than green. I have a weakness for sequins but that probably lies outside of my other requirements.

I want to feel comfortable - able to eat and dance without feeling unduly restricted. I don't want anyone to laugh at me.

Any help gratefully received.

What kind of budget are you thinking? I’m sure we can help with the dress. I wish we could help with your confidence though. You have been through such a huge thing and you are getting married! Congratulations 🥂

I am sure you are but how you see yourself, the mirror does not reflect laugher, movement and sparkle which you have having overcome all that!!
ask the venue for contacts of Someone to come and do your hair and make up. Invest in a lovely bra and matching items. October light is beautiful and you’ll be beautiful. Share budget and Mumsneters will suggest options. Congratulations on getting better and lucky the person who is marrying you !

You will look fabulous, just needs a bit of planning.

Others better at things than me will help with the dress, but off the top of my head, if you can go to one of the big stores and get a stylist/personal shopper to guide you might be worth it. They are great at choosing items that you would never think of yourself, and most of them are WOW.

Secondly, can you arrange a makeover morning in Portugal before the ceremony? Hair and makeup done professionally. Nails + pedicure etc. can be done a day or so beforehand.

Oh I am so rooting for you and wish you every happiness.

Can you wear a light suit outfit? Almost linen/silk like? There are so many wedding suits women wear as dresses now.

https://nouvo-london.com/products/elegant-two-piece-garments?variant=48291073327442&currency=GBP&utmsource=google&utmmmedium=cpc&utmcampaign=google%2Bshopping&gaddsource=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwmSzBhAsEiwAXE2Cv5b7cqkI43eGSswCFyo3hTXV8Q8OzBhhUFXuAhxZ5QqqbGtDShgyhoCbRAQAvDDBwE

I am pretty terrible with wedding dresses, as I got married in a sari. But I suggested this on another thread and as you don't want a traditional dress and want something in blue or green you can wear again, I am going to suggest it again. It's on sale, cotton/silk so will be cool in Portugal, and you can wear it to other occasions.

https://www.poetryfashion.co.uk/product-RB51/silk-linen-pleated-dress.htm?_gl=119lassk_up*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjwm_SzBhAsEiwAXE2Cv_r5DuEowbbqM807P-gGgnVEOwo9PhfvHSsf9c92WeU_7kcSD8or3xoCWQgQAvD_BwE

This is a Dutch brand but the dresses are international brands so if anything caught your eye you could order it direct from the specific brand.

It's not cheap but the dresses will not date and can be recycled for any future dressy up occasion. The Double J dress might fit the bill.

Pauw

La Double J

I know this is green but I think something like this is lovely. Also comes in blue...

This is lovely https://www.johnlewis.com/scarlett-jo-isabelle-velvet-flock-maxi-dress/dark-navy/p111172999]

Hello and congratulations!

I'm about your age, your size and height and have the sagging boobs and glasses make up problem.

Can I suggest you go to a proper bra shop and get measured up for a well fitting bra. I went to one and was amazed how helpful the ladies there were and what a total difference my new bras made to how I looked. I'd been wearing completely the wrong shape and size bras and putting on the new one made me look slimmer. I went from matronly to my old self in an instant.

With the glasses, my optician friend gave me some specs that I think you can buy anywhere - magnifying glasses where one lens drops down so you can see to do up that eye, then swap drop the other lens down. Perhaps that and a make up lesson at your local John Lewis or something.

Lastly, if you aren't normally a heels and dress person, can you just have a more relaxed outfit with a beautiful summer dress/trouser suit, shoes that are lovely but that you feel comfy in.

You don't have to conform to the norm. Do it your way and it'll be perfect for you. I hope you have a lovely day.

Getting refitted for a proper bra. is a good idea.. Go to Bravissimo if you can.

You don't have to wear a wedding dress.

I got married in a blue mid-length bridesmaid's dress because I wanted to feel like me, not 'me dressed up as a bride'. Most women look great in a bridal dress but I never had any interest in one so I didn't wear one. Also I always spill things so I didn't want to wear white. You could wear a nicely cut suit, a jumpsuit or a coloured dress if you'd rather.

thefoldlondon.com/product/tivoli-midi-dress-light-cornflower-blue-crepe/

Could be worth a look!

Glittery, beautiful colour and will give you a great shape. ( you didn't mention a budget).

https://www.theoutnet.com/en-gb/shop/product/rhea-costa/dresses/gowns/draped-glittered-jersey-gown/1647597319783486

Look at Debenhams, occasion dresses, they have a huge range of dresses and brands. A midi would be an elegant length, perhaps something floaty, with Angel sleeves, which you could wear again for holidays, and special occasions.
Monsoons have embellished dresses, embroidery, sequins , that are a bit different, and lovely for weddings.

Book a style consultation at John Lewis. They really are amazing at finding you lovely garments to your style and need.

Then go to Bravissimo or Fenwicks for a bra fitting session, or even stay at JL for it.

I'm sure other shops do style consultations, but JL is the only one I've used. The shops I listed for bra fittings are also places I have had excellent service at.

You will be gorgeous. You don't need to fit to anybody's idea of a bride, just your own.

FWIW I did not want a traditional, white bridal gown, but didn't feel bridal in any of the colourful gowns that I tried. I ended up in an ivory suit with a big hat. Unconventional, but I felt like a bride. What's more, I felt good. Fat, no makeup, no heels, just me dressed in a way that felt good. So will you feel good. Outsource the search to experts, just as you have outsourced to MN.

Congratulations!
Firstly, if you've invited anyone to your wedding who you think might laugh at you because of your outfit, now is the time to uninvited those people!
I agree with other posters who've recommended a bra fitting. I'd look for a local independent lingerie shop and ask them for a bra fitting and shape wear advice.
I'm very short sighted but wear a full face of makeup every day. I apply using a hand mirror a bit bigger than my phone. That way it's easy to hold and I can just about see most of my face at the same time, holding it very close to my face.
Would you like to do your own makeup? If so I'd go for a make session at a counter like in a big Boots or John Lewis and ask for advice on a simple routine. Otherwise contact your wedding venue, I imagine they'll have a list of local people they can recommend.
With the outfit would it help to pretend to yourself you're not looking for a "wedding" dress and just look for outfits you like the look of, to take the pressure off - imagine you are shopping for an outfit for a friend's wedding.
Good luck!

I got married in my 40’s 3 years ago, my hair went to crap post cancer and my boobs resemble my spaniels ears. We are about same height/weight.
good bra is a must.
have you considered contacts? I’m blind as a bat without my ‘eyes’ on or in, but the flip down glasses are fab.
I wore a really simple Biba dress from HoF with a high low hem, low heels and did my own hair and makeup (we ran away to Gretna and it was tail end of a storm!) simple make up is easy to master, at 47 I wouldn’t know what to do with a blending sponge if it smacked me in the face.
but the one thing that really has helped my confidence are hair extensions and a cracking dye job! If your hair feels good then it really can boost your self esteem. My hair is the same length as my extensions so they just fill it out. Just remember, your FH is marrying YOU, he sees you every day, and loves you for you.
slightly jealous you’re getting married somewhere so beautiful!

prettykittyfashion.co.uk/products/dark-green-floral-cap-sleeve-crossover-v-neck-wrap-top-swing-dress?_pos=15&_sid=7ac09327a&_ss=r

prettykittyfashion.co.uk/products/teal-wrap-over-butterfly-sleeve-swing-dress?_pos=177&_sid=83cd66bed&_ss=r

uk.chicwish.com/splendor-of-the-sunset-gradient-pleated-maxi-dress.html?gc_id=17725549102&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwm_SzBhAsEiwAXE2CvyXvmCvcUwfOjh2tD1EqhYGVTAzenHovaTetKNrP0TWj1vu1uw3LlRoCIVwQAvD_BwE

www.debenhams.com/product/oasis-all-over-sequin-v-neck-maxi-dress_baa08594?colour=navy&size=14&istCompanyId=76f7277d-6e78-4dc2-aaff-1eb77fae16b0&istFeedId=258a4886-8f3c-47ef-9369-d1eda8d84501&istItemId=laqiprtar&istBid=t&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwm_SzBhAsEiwAXE2Cvz88xl15B_aS6pmD1nEwAXWXKp_iLiUouBfLVa8X6yYagcW2g5VIvBoCKMUQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

cicinia.co.uk/products/juliet-gorgeous-convertible-velvet-bridesmaid-dresses?currency=GBP&variant=43331060990191&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Google%20Shopping&stkn=57091c7e89a7&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwm_SzBhAsEiwAXE2Cv9jWSB1ssruwqn3dMO34Um4yB70nIt9GnR0CsQp65t-p3EZFgSuBrxoC4kAQAvD_BwE

I had a very low key wedding for similar reasons.

I wore a long black flowy skirt with a black and purple sleeveless top, purple floaty wrap and strappy flat silver sandals. It hid my excess weight well and I felt comfortable and not too exposed. Just go with what you feel most comfortable in. No one will be judging you, they'll be happy for you, especially if you look happy and relaxed. I hope you have a lovely day.

Absolutely beautiful !

I am apple shape and 14-16. I am getting married in this. They do other gorgeous colours I think. It is so flattering.

Thank you so much everyone. Some of your comments have made me cry - I think I need to go and give my head a bit of a wobble. Thank you for being so kind and offering up some excellent suggestions.

To answer some of the questions:

Budget: I had thought around £500 but I can go higher if needed.

I will definitely go and get fitted for a bra and I like the idea of booking an appointment with a personal shopper / stylist

Today, one of my guests asked if I would like to make use of the talents of his plus 1 - a hairdresser and makeup artists as my wedding present. I have eagerly and gratefully agreed! (I have seen his work - he's very good) but I will also be investing in a magnifying mirror.

I hadn't considered trousers - I'll add them to my list of things to try!

So many good suggestions - I am especially drawn to the cornflower blue crepe, the glittery Rhea Costa, the teal wrap dress, the maxi dress with sequins from Oasis, the velvet bridesmaid dress and OMG that Ghost dress is divine but I definitely would need to see it on first.

Thank you again to everyone who took the time to make suggestions - I actually feel hopeful now and if you'd seen the state I've been working myself up into you'd know what a huge deal that is.