Readiness to relinquish femininity?

[BettyBottersButter]

I want to get my hair cut short, even though I know I'll be relinquishing any remaining "prettiness" and will probably look much older. I'm in my mid-40s and can see definite ageing now, but this is off-set to some extent with relatively feminine hair and make-up. I've always loved masculine hair styles, but known that I look much better to everyone else when it's softer and longer. Now I have a big urge to get it properly cropped. I know lots of women have short hair and still look pretty and feminine. I will not (and that's not what I'm after). I'm weirdly nervous - will I get a real shock in how people treat me? Any positive experiences?

Hi all.

Thank you so much for the posts.

I'm sorry for any upset I've caused by linking femininity and hair length as I did. Obviously there is absolutely no relationship between hair length and femaleness. I should probably have clarified more that 1) I mean a certain type of publicly perceived feminine image/look (one which, frankly, is probably associated with preferential treatment from most males), 2) I only mean for me, specifically, and 3) I don't think "femininity" as I meant it here is/should be value-laden/necessarily "positive" anyway. In a way, that's the whole point - I've suddenly realised I don't want/need to play that game any more.

In my particular case, a main signifier of femininity is hair - my face and other aspects of my presentation have quite traditionally masculine aspects. Plenty of other women look very feminine with very short hair (Sinead O'Connor's already been mentioned). For me, that would not be the case, and - crucially - nor would I want it to be. I certainly don't see femininity as superior when it comes to women's appearance - but I also think it's probably associated with "pretty privilege" in how others treat women.

Anyway - thank you all again. I need to stop thinking/prattling on about it and just get a hair cut.

If anyone can think of a better word for what I'm trying to describe than femininity, please say - I'm struggling to articulate!

I don’t see femininity as ‘superior’ - I see it as a birthright. I am female, therefore everything I am, and do, is feminine. No one gets to question that quality, in me, because of the length of my hair. That’s all I mean.

(Can’t really explain any better - on a train full of chatty people!)

OP, I have lost my hair due to chemo and have no breasts thanks to a double-mastectomy. I have not relinquished my femininity in any way.

Length of hair has little to do with femininity. I think it's rather reductive that you think like this.

I really don't understand the concept that having short hair automatically means your are less 'feminine' (whatever that means) and less pretty...

According to whom?

Men who have decided women must have long hair and wear pretty dresses? fashion magazines?

I have a blonde pixie cut and I don't feel less of a woman for it.

Could not care if people find it pretty or not.

All that matters is that I am happy with it.

My hair is quite fine and looks dreadful longer anyway but I rock shorter hair!

@BlossomBlossomBlossom

'' I see it as a birthright. I am female, therefore everything I am, and do, is feminine. ''

Exactly! having a bald head would not make less of a woman... I had a hysterectomy when I was still young-ish. I have no womb. Did not make me feel any less 'feminine' either.

Have we really not moved on from the idea that a woman needs long hair, a pretty dress, make up and heels to be 'feminine' and attractive?

So I totally agree with you that, as females, everything we do, everything we say, every way we appear, is female.

But don't you think there's a social construct of "femininity", which involves stereotypically female traits? Are you saying that there's not a set of characteristics which women (and men) vary on, which are perceived as socially feminine? Can we not say a woman wearing long curls, a push up bra, a flowery dress and make-up has a more "feminine" presentation than the same woman with a shaved head, combat trousers and bovver boots? And are the people (maybe predominantly the males) around the person not going to act differently to these two different presentations? Clearly, it's the same person, and female both times. But there's a difference, no? Maybe "femininity" is the wrong word for it (in which case, what is better?), but it does relate to a social stereotype associated with females, doesn't it?

@Startingagainandagain
"I really don't understand the concept that having short hair automatically means your are less 'feminine' (whatever that means) and less pretty..."

I don't think it necessarily does, and don't think I said so. In my case (because of my particular physical attributes), I will be perceived as less "feminine" (defined, loosely as above) with short hair. Perhaps the phrase "stereotypically feminine" would be better?

@doublec of course - you are as female as you have always been since the moment of your conception, and of course chemo and mastectomy do not mean relinquishing of femininity. I hope it's clear that, as I've at least tried to explain above, that's not what I was saying.

Do it OP. Been short since covid. In my early 40s. Very freeing and much more me. It can look so much more stylish than just bits hanging.

I think perhaps we're not disagreeing - just using different terminology. Your and my female sex are immutable. The OED definition of "feminine" is "having qualities or an appearance traditionally associated with women or girls" - surely that relates to mutable aspects of appearance like hair length. Not in all cultures, but certainly in the one I've grown up with.

I've had short hair a couple of times in my life. I always felt so confident with it at first and loved it!

It will quickly look bad without regular haircuts though. So I think it's worth being sure that you have the money, time and organization to keep up the salon visits. Much like colouring hair I guess - coloured often looks better than before, but it looks significantly worse if not maintained.

The other thing is that I'm frankly fickle! I'd get bored after a while and wish for long hair back, but it takes so long to grow out, and if you're growing out very short hair there are fewer style options whilst doing so. Nowadays extensions look fantastic if you have the money/time/etc.

I appreciate that many women successfully prioritise going to the hairdresser and also know their own minds better than I do mine - but I thought I'd share just in case you (or someone else reading this) is a bit flaky like me!

🤷🏽‍♀️

I’m not white. I don’t give a fig for long blond hair. My ideal of female beauty looks very different. As a heterosexual woman the women whose appearance I find most attractive generally have very short hair. But I also don’t associate short hair with combat trousers and bovver boots! Show me the Cecilie Bahnsen frock and … I dunno, wellies, maybe. It’s not one thing or the other - we are multiple.

Cut your hair if you think it will please you.

See how it feels.

I always had long hair and a hankering to see how short hair would look. So I had it cut - I think it's good to satisfy one's curiosity. I quite liked it, but didn't feel it was 'me' so grew it back. No biggie! That's the beauty of it - you can fix it if you hate it.

If you are concerned (for want of a better word) about your personal style, then consider how you might like to alter make up and clothing to compensate/accommodate a shorter hair style. I would want to maintain the more stereotypically feminine look, but if you aren't bothered, happy days!

I do think there's something very liberated in no longer caring about public opinion.

I'm weirdly nervous - will I get a real shock in how people treat me? Any positive experiences?

I've had very long hair and a buzzcut and I've never noticed a difference in how other people have treated me, in my personal or professional lives.
I'm currently debating a longer pixie - the only thing that's putting me off is the upkeep.

Thanks again, all...

I've booked a haircut :)

👍🏾

Hope you enjoy your new haircut.💇‍♀️